The Big DumpTruck

Okay, I could sell these diet plans and make a bunch of those little piles of cash that you see in cartoons, you know the little bundles that thieves are always pulling out of wall safes? Okay, those.

Now these weight loss plans have not been verified as safe or effective by anyone, including me, doctors, or the lady who has to re-fold the shirts after I pull some out and hold them up to see if they have long sleeves or not.

Plan 1: Laptop Fat Melt
I'm pretty sure that I'm rendering the fat off my legs with this laptop. Even through the laptop lap pads I'm using (YES! TWO OF THEM AT ONCE!) it's still pretty damned warm. I like to think of this as George Foreman Grilling myself. Of course, this should only remove fat from your thighs and not from any of the rest of you so be prepared to have people stare at your new Popeye-like calves.

Plan 2: The Airplane Diet
This plan is only as expensive as the destinations you choose. So you start at an airport near your home and find a flight that will cover at least one meal, preferably two. Then you fly and only eat the food they serve on the plane. Except that food is so gross that nobody wants to eat it. Voila, weight loss. The key would be to just keep picking up new flights in each place you land so that you never eat any meals that aren't served on a plane. You could very well die of starvation, so please use this plan under the supervision of a qualified travel agent.

Plan 3: Pica has a Purpose
For you gals who've been pregnant, remember when they warned you about pica? Ya, I guess pregnancy triggers pica in a lot of people. Also kids between the ages of 1 and 6 tend to get pica, and you know most of THEM are pretty thin! So according to Google health people with pica (or on the Jody Pica Diet) may eat

• Animal feces
• Clay
• Dirt
• Hairballs
• Ice
• Paint
• Sand

I'm going out on a limb and recommending you stay away from any kind of feces. Look, we want to lose weight, not get thrown in a mental hospital.

I know they tell you to consult with a doctor before starting any kind of diet. I'd like to point out that if you consult with a doctor before beginning any of these diets, I'd rather not have my name mentioned. Ever. I've never seen you before in my life. Get out of here, you knuckleheads.

Labels: diet, food, funny, health

This weather makes me want to nap. A lot. Had to get up early for a 9am appointment and ran two errands but now the rest of the day is free. Except for the need to get groceries, but who wants to do that. I'm sure I can make a meal out of items found around the house. I can pretend I'm on Iron Chef, or that show they used to have where you would hand a chef $10 worth of stuff you bought at the store and they would have to make a meal out of it. My $10 worth of food could be made up of canned goods. What can I make out of baked beans, canned yams and chicken noodle soup. Mmmmmm, that's good eatin'!

Labels: cooking, food

Junior plays in the City Championship for Little League Baseball tonight. I think it would be REALLY cool if they won. I mean, who doesn't go into these things hoping for a win. I've never been on a team that won a championship. Thinking back to my Lassie League days, I was on the team that got stuck with all the strays. There was one girl who quite literally could not figure out how to swing the bat. What's weird is that I can totally see the faces of some of these girls in my head, and we're talking about not seeing them for 30+ years. Just as long as you don't ask me their names, we'll be good, I think.

Thanks to everyone who donated to Junior's Jimmy Fund fundraising efforts, whether in person or on the Jimmy Fund website. You people rock, seriously. North Leominster Little League had 4 teams playing in the tournament (at various levels) at raised a total of $15,000. I think that's very cool. I should not be hitting you up for anything here in the foreseeable future. Wait, no, I think I'll start accepting pastry donations. Please, help support the, uh, American Pastry Association, with your kind contributions of pie, cake, danish, brownies and cookies. The APA is a fine and worthy cause, and, um, fresh, homemade pastry (or one of those big danish rings from the Dutch Kitchen) is greatly appreciated. Remember our motto - The APA: Fill Our Your Piehole!

Labels: baseball, food, fun, pie

It's fish stick night at Chez Dump. I can't tell you the last time I had fish sticks. But we're having them tonight, and I think that's great. I'm trying to remember what we would have had in elementary school to go with them. I'd call my sister to ask but I don't think she's home right now. Okay, I know she isn't. So maybe some fruit cup? I don't think we have any fruit cup in the house, but I have some blueberries we bought yesterday. That's a little classy to try to recreate the school cafeteria experience. I just realized that what we need is tater tots, and we don't have any.

I hope to remedy that problem soon.

Junior's baseball team is on a horrible downward spiral. I don't think they are going to win a spot in the tournament playoffs, but hey, at least they're getting a chance to play.

Labels: food, school

I lost another battle that I didn't know I was in. You know the tune - Jody likes something, and the company that produces it decides to pull it from the market. We've talked about it here before, how food staples like Raspberry Kool-Aid and Primavera flavor Chicken Tonight simmer sauce left a hole in my heart that nothing can replace.

Last night we learned that Chili's is not going to have the Caribbean Chicken Salad on the menu any more. Nor will they have Junior's favorite dish, the basil pasta (which wasn't on the menu under that name but you could order it as a vegetarian entree). The reason? They are cutting out menu items that require them to have an ingredient for just that one dish. (I'm probably explaining this wrong). So the salad is gone because they won't be carrying mandarin oranges, pineapple chunks or honey-lime dressing (used only for that dish), and they are doing away with mozzarella sticks which means they won't need to carry the marinara sauce, which is needed for the basil pasta. Oh, and the onion (blossom, or whatever they call it) will be gone too.

I know they offer pasta on the kids menu, so I'm having a hard time picturing them removing one of the few kid's items, but someone made a decision somewhere. But how hard is it to keep a can/jar of sauce on hand for the kids? Or for the vegetarians, for that matter. Not much else on the menu that doesn't involve meat.

Labels: food, restaurants, sad

On a day like this, I'm very very happy I'm not made out of chocolate.

Because I'd melt? No, just because I hate to be covered with ants.

Labels: food, status

I like Junior - he's a funny kid. I don't know what I'd do if I was stuck with a kid who didn't have a good sense of humor. And by good, I mean one that amuses me, personally.

This may not translate as well as I'd like, because it was part of a larger conversation, and you have to know about the kinds of snacks that parents buy for their kids these days. If you are unfamiliar with the concept of Fruit Roll-ups or Froot-by-the-Foot this is going to whoosh past you, granny.

I admitted publicly that I like pudding skin. Mr. Dump started to propose a method of exposing as many sides of the pudding as possible so that you could get a LOT of pudding skin out of one cup of pudding. And then Junior suggested Pudding Skin by the Foot. Well, that did it for me. The concept of a long strip of pudding skin that you unfold to eat brought me to tears.

But looking back, I don't think I'd buy it. Because part of the beauty of the whole fruit roll-up product is that it doesn't require refrigeration. If you leave pudding skin out, you'll really have pudding jerky, and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Labels: food, junior, snacks

Yesterday was Mother's Day here in the United States. (Hey, I have at least one international reader that will admit to it, so let me just pretend I'm I web sensation the world over, would you?) I got my mother's day present earlier (some high quality headphones for my iPod to do a better job of blocking out stray conversations at work) and certainly wasn't expecting anything on Sunday.

But Junior wrote me a poem (I will share it tomorrow, because I don't remember it verbatim and I want to make sure I don't miss a thing) and gave me a little pot with seeds planted in it. I believe the flowers will be marigolds, but he was calling it something else, so we'll see.

We packed up and headed out to Newport to meet up with my brother-in-law and his wife who were up here taking their belated honeymoon. And my new sister-in-law presented me with my "other" Mothers Day Present: salt. I got salt for mother's day! I'll bet nobody else out there can say that!!! I got salt hand-carried all the way from Houston! And I'm beside myself thrilled!

You see, we eat at Bertucci's a lot, and they have Cefalu Sea Salt grinders on the table, and I love this salt more than many many things in my life. Every time we go there (a couple of times a month) I threaten to steal the salt off the table, because we have never been able to find it for sale anywhere. Apparently, Mr. Dump wrote down the name and phone number of the import company and did a ton of footwork to try to track it down. The company would only sell it by the case but apparently there's a liquor store chain in Houston that carries it, and he somehow convinced my SIL to wait in line for 40 minutes (!) to buy me 5 shakers of Cefalu salt (she also bought one for herself). And they gave it to me yesterday and I was bouncing with happiness! No longer do I need to fight the urge to steal!

This is darned tasty salt. It's hard to explain how salt can taste good, but it just tastes, well, salty. It's 100x better than anything you pour out of a round box into a shaker, and you grind it yourself with the built in grinder-top. The bottle says it's imported from Sicily, 100% natural, made only by the Sea and the Sun. Maybe it's the sun that makes it extra good. I recommend that you all go to Bertucci's and try some.

So yes, I got salt for mother's day. And I couldn't be happier.

Labels: food, gifts, happy, holidays

It's my official 2nd day of being an Utter Wonder Hall of Famer. Things are still going exceedingly well in the Hall of Famer department. I had no idea what it was like to be a Hall of Famer, I mean, it's like all of a sudden my life was converted to HD when it used to be just normal regular TV. You don't really know what you're missing until you get that HD TV, and then you scorn the people who are still living with the technology of the 60s and 70s.

That's what it's like being me.

I highly recommend you all become Hall of Famers so that we can start getting together on the 2nd Wednesday of the month for a luncheon. (That's a good word, isn't it? Luncheon. Not just a sandwich and a drink, it's a luncheon, because special people don't just eat lunch. They attend luncheons.

One of you will have to be the guest speaker, though, because I'm going to be busy trying to eat my lunch. Luncheon. Sorry, still not used to all this.

Labels: famous, food, happy, nothingness

I am a happy girl. I have in front of me

1. My MacBook Pro with a wireless connection to the internet
2. a cup of coffee that Mr. Dump made from whole Dunkin Donuts beans ground by the coffeemaker right before brewing
   
3. a bowl of Special K Red Berries

All of these things made more special because I am enjoying my breakfast for the first time out on the deck. Goodbye, winter, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Labels: food, fun, spring

I'm kind of a freak. I'm over forty and I love Nerds candy. Basically crunchy sugar nuggets, they make me happy. The other day we were in Rite Aid and found a bag of candy that I had to buy just on principle.

Nerds Bumpy Jelly Beans

And I loved them. LOVED THEM. But because I fear they're going to be limited to Easter season, I'm about to take out a small loan to buy all the bags they have on the shelf and store them in a secret location in my house. (That's because both boys love them almost as much as I do. We're all doomed.)

Has anyone else tried these? Do they make you as happy as they make me??

I had another thing I wanted to review, food-wise, but I can't remember what it was. I don't know if that means I did not think it was good enough to remember to tell you about it or not. Did I hate it? Who knows.

I've been busy learning how to play Halo 3. I stink at it. Okay, I don't stink, I'm just not very good at all. Last night my approach was to hide in a corner and hope that someone walked by me. Now I hear this is a perfectly valid approach, but I'm trying to picture a game where all the players are just hiding in corners. I'm guessing not very much would happen. That's okay with me, because as I may or may not have mentioned before, I hate having people jump out at me. I never liked playing hide and seek as a kid. People can say what they will about video games making kids do violent acts, but my playing Halo does not in any way impact whether or not I want to play hide and seek. Which I don't. People who would blame this game on a violent act are way off base - anyone with a normal psyche is not going to run out and buy assault weapons and plastic armor, okay?

Labels: candy, food, review, videogames

We filed our taxes about a million years ago. Or maybe it was a week ago. Anyway, we are due for a refund and I would really like for them to pay me because I have some bills that aren't going to pay themselves, doncha know! Plus Mr. Dump's vehicle was making a $386 noise. When he took it to find out what the problem was and get an estimate...oops, we fixed it without calling you to tell you how much it was going to be. That's so not cool. I won't name the place because I really like them, and the work they do, but this was a big stinkball to have to pay it today.

Also, for those of you in the Leominster area, we popped in to the Blue Marlin for lunch. You have GOT TO SEE THIS PLACE! The decor is beyond excellent. I'm not even going to spoil it for you, but you have to go. I know, it looks ultra swanky from the outside, but the menu is definitely not. Heck, I could have gotten a hot dog for lunch. Or dinner (because the menu is the same). Go go go and then come back and tell me what you think of the place. (p.s. I can highly recommend the clam strips.) Everything is freshly prepared on-site except for some of the desserts, which they get from Auntie Ellen's Creative Confections next door. Oh, by the way, we popped in there to check it out. Take your wallet and GO. We took the triple chocolate mouse and the bananas foster cheesecake home with us, and we couldn't decide which was better.

Labels: food, Leominster, money

I am the only person who eats peanut butter toast by dipping it in coffee. This strange breakfast treat comes courtesy of my dad, who is also the person responsible for my sister and I calling Kool-Aid "Bug Juice" our entire childhood. I believe we have the United States Navy to thank for both of those.

I think I'm going to have peanut butter toast for breakfast, because I've been thinking about it. Yesterday we set up the coffee maker we received as a Christmas present from Mr. Dump's business partner. This thing is what every home should own - you put coffee beans in a thing at the top and it grinds them into the basket as part of the brewing process. There is a water filter built in to take out the yuckies. And it drips into a caraf so it will stay hot for hours without being on a burner. I think today's peanut butter toast is going to ROCK!

Labels: food, gifts

I will share the question of the day, as posed by Junior when I was talking about the little girl who was born with 4 extra limbs being able to go home.

"What if Britney Spears had a baby she named Spears Spears and it had two faces."

Well, that is is good question, isn't it? I'm not sure why we're discussing Britney, specifically. I'd be interested in discussing anyone who has a baby and gives it a double name and oh, by the way, the baby has two faces.

So there you go. There's your question of the day.

Here's my question of the day: Shaws was out of peppermint extract, which is needed for this ultra simple dessert I was going to make. I don't want to go to a different grocery store the Saturday before a nor'easter because I am not stupid. I went to Shaws before 9am for a reason. What other store do you think might carry peppermint extract?

Labels: celebs, food, quiz, shopping

Competition # 2 is tomorrow, so we need to carbo load, right? Right? Cause that's what you do before the big competition, right? You eat carbs because of some kind of thing your body does and it needs it, I guess.

I haven't figured that out because I was on South Beach and they said [bad] carbs are bad because they peak and drop really quickly. Oh, and then they stick to your hips and throw spitballs at you. So even assuming you carbo loaded whole wheat pasta (Ya, right), how is that going to help you 12 hours later? Wouldn't you be better off having a pancake breakfast that morning?

Also (as we cover a lot of important questions today), in the movie Shrek, don't Shrek and Fiona torture some frogs, by turning them into balloons? Minimally, that is because I can't remember what they ate roasted over the fire.

So when it turns out her father John Cleese was really a frog - where was the continuity person? I'm distressed.

Labels: food, legos, movies

This afternoon I went to Gove Farm to see if they still had tomatoes. They are definitely out of corn for the year, but they still have squash, tomatoes, beans, etc. I was VERY VERY excited. They'll be open through the end of the month, and then the stand will be closed but they'll have a self-serve table (honor system, I assume) for as long as there are still veggies to pick.

I'm recovering from a bout of something or other that I ate yesterday, so I'm staying away from eating these today, but you can bet your butt I'll be having one of these beauties for lunch tomorrow!

Labels: food, photos

Before I forget, I just wanted to say "goodbye" to the fantastic tomatoes I enjoyed this summer. I'm going to miss each and every one of you over the next 9-10 months. Life looks pretty bleak when you think about the mealy, orange tomatoes we'll be forced to endure, instead of the huge, juicy, deep read beauties of the summer.

I'm hoping to get another week or so from the local farm stands, but I don't have a lot of hope. Goodbye, good tomatoes. See you next summer!

Labels: food, sad

According to ABC News, Venezuela made the worlds' largest pot of soup. That's fantastic. I'm a little ashamed that I didn't think of it first. 3960 gallons of soup, that was. They claimed it was enough to feed 60-70,000 people. That's crap load of people. Let's do the math, shall we?

For 60,000 people, 15 folks would share a gallon of soup, give or take. We should round up, because there are 16 cups in a gallon. So I went and poured a cup of water into a bowl. Alright, that's not bad. But really, what if it's my favorite soup? A cup isn't bad, but do you think I'm going to the end of the line of 59,999 other people to try to get seconds? No way.

Labels: food, News, soup

You can have my 100 Calorie Lorna Doone shortbread cookie crisps when you pry them from my cold, dead hands.

What you have here are animal crackers for grownups, people. Do you hear me? 100 calorie packs of sweet, buttery goodness.

Go. You can thank me later.

Labels: food, happy

The Leominster Target once again has Pepsi Icees! All is right with the
world.

(And don't try to shake me with the "Burger King has Coke Icees" crap.
These are amazing and the BK drinks taste like foam. No comparison.

I just hope they don't disappear too quickly. I'd like to have another
one next week.

Labels: food, Pepsi, Target

Storm's a 'comin! Did you run out and get milk-eggs-bread yet? Cause you know it's a law that you have to. We need to go grocery shopping for realsies, and now I dread it. You crazy french toast making people...you'd better leave some bread and milk behind for those of us who actually have none left. I will not be buying in anticipation of 6 inches of snow (the current prediction). I've been living in New England for 42 years. Funny thing about snow storms. Outside of the beast like New York State had last week, snow ends, the roads get plowed and sanded, and voila, you can leave your house.

I actually have four or five whole cans of soup at my house, that in an emergency, I could probably survive off of those. Or a boxes of Near East Rice Pilaf, or the massive pasta stores we are required to keep on hand thanks to Junior's pasta addiction. I think I have a way to go before I start eyeballing the dog food.

By the way, I know in the distant past I covered Mr. Fussy's eating habits. Updating you on those, did you know that he now actually orders steak, shrimp or grilled chicken instead of pasta? Did you know that? He has eaten pot roast (Oh, hey, you know, maybe that's what we need to get for the snow day...) and roast chicken and ham and bacon. For any of you with fussy eaters (and I mean, he ate pasta with red sauce for lunch and dinner every day for a couple of years) there is hope. They do add items to the menu! There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Labels: food, junior, snow, weather

If "burning" was a flavor instead of a feeling, that would cover these.

Every time I try to figure out what the flavor is (I think closer to Cool Ranch except, of course, for the Cool part) the Blazin' Buffalo kicks in. This isn't really a flavor, though, is it?

I'll say that if you like spicy, you'll probably like these okay. Me, I prefer my Ranch cool and my buffalo heat with blue cheese. (What kind of neanderthal restaurant chefs decided to pair buffalo sauced products with ranch? HEATHANS! I shall not darken your doorstep again!)

So I give these a 5 out of 10, but only because I don't like mouth blisters.

Labels: food, restaurant, review