The Big DumpTruck

Okay, I could sell these diet plans and make a bunch of those little piles of cash that you see in cartoons, you know the little bundles that thieves are always pulling out of wall safes? Okay, those.

Now these weight loss plans have not been verified as safe or effective by anyone, including me, doctors, or the lady who has to re-fold the shirts after I pull some out and hold them up to see if they have long sleeves or not.

Plan 1: Laptop Fat Melt
I'm pretty sure that I'm rendering the fat off my legs with this laptop. Even through the laptop lap pads I'm using (YES! TWO OF THEM AT ONCE!) it's still pretty damned warm. I like to think of this as George Foreman Grilling myself. Of course, this should only remove fat from your thighs and not from any of the rest of you so be prepared to have people stare at your new Popeye-like calves.

Plan 2: The Airplane Diet
This plan is only as expensive as the destinations you choose. So you start at an airport near your home and find a flight that will cover at least one meal, preferably two. Then you fly and only eat the food they serve on the plane. Except that food is so gross that nobody wants to eat it. Voila, weight loss. The key would be to just keep picking up new flights in each place you land so that you never eat any meals that aren't served on a plane. You could very well die of starvation, so please use this plan under the supervision of a qualified travel agent.

Plan 3: Pica has a Purpose
For you gals who've been pregnant, remember when they warned you about pica? Ya, I guess pregnancy triggers pica in a lot of people. Also kids between the ages of 1 and 6 tend to get pica, and you know most of THEM are pretty thin! So according to Google health people with pica (or on the Jody Pica Diet) may eat

• Animal feces
• Clay
• Dirt
• Hairballs
• Ice
• Paint
• Sand

I'm going out on a limb and recommending you stay away from any kind of feces. Look, we want to lose weight, not get thrown in a mental hospital.

I know they tell you to consult with a doctor before starting any kind of diet. I'd like to point out that if you consult with a doctor before beginning any of these diets, I'd rather not have my name mentioned. Ever. I've never seen you before in my life. Get out of here, you knuckleheads.

Labels: diet, food, funny, health

The Boy came home from school sick yesterday. Sore throat, headache. My yesterday evening, I felt like I had been run over by a truck. Or a bus. Or a truck carrying new busses. Something like that.
So we're both home sick today, because a)I have a horrid earache now, and b)he's sick and someone has to stay home with him. Isn't this fun? Oh it's fun, all right. Things are WAY too busy at work for me to be sick.
Maybe I'll watch some RiffTrax today. That would make me feel better!

Labels: health

I think I ate too much sugar today. I was eating gumballs. Ya, you know you wish you had a box of gumballs! But I've had about 10 of them and they are not playing nice with my lunch. Well, not the gumballs themselves, I throw that out when they flavor is gone. The sugar though. Or maybe it's just my lunch. Damned cafeteria food. Always attacking delicate little me.

I'm several thousand words behind on NaNoWriMo and I've only processed Disney photos from a single day of vacation.

I'm such a slacker.

The good news is that I didn't have an cavities Tuesday night, in spite of my gumball addiction, and my annual boob-squishing went off without a hitch and the radiologist said I'm good to go for another year. So that's a dental visit and a mammogram in the same week. Oh, and I need to see the eye doctor tonight for my contact lens fitting.

I should have scheduled a pap smear and had my taxes done. Sheesh.

Labels: gumballs, health, too_much_info