The Big DumpTruck

I think I have swan flu. I've been reading about it in the paper, don't you know. It sounds very bad but in reality, if you have swan flu you cough a lot and want to sleep in on Monday mornings. I have both of those symptoms. I'm very concerned that my swan flu will be catchy, so I am trying to avoid doing yard work, which I believe will make the swan flu worse.

You should thank me for being so concerned about spreading my germs.

Labels: illness, News

You know, this is why I don't go skydiving. You can ask anyone, my sister, my husband...whenever we do something, I'm the one who gets the screwy equipment, or has the weird things happen. So if we all went skydiving, I would be the one with the dead instructor strapped to me.

I feel horrible for both people - especially the poor guy who died at 49(!) but really, that is just the kind of thing that keeps me from jumping out of a plane. Well, that and the fact that I would crap my pants if I had to jump out of a perfectly good plane.

In other airplane news, I finally got around to watching the National Geographic Channel special on Air Force One, and I now officially want to be President of the United States cause I really want to travel on that plane. It is sweeeeeeeeet! And the food looks pretty good too. Sure, there would be the pesky "leader of the free world" job responsibility crap, but it's got beds! And a nice office for me! And they would give me a jacket with my name embroidered on it!

Labels: News, politics, sad, scary

I know you are probably figuring that with my recent $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, I'm probably doing pretty well in the cash department. Well, sure, I have $150,000 in enhancements, but you can't take a pair of shoes down to Chilis for a dish of queso, now, can you? I didn't think so.

So in the fine tradition of Massachusetts politicians, I am willing to stuff my bra full of any bribe money you want to give me. I'm not exactly sure what you'd be bribing me to do (or not do) but let us not focus on that. Let us focus on the fact that I think the best way for you to provide me with the bribe money is in anything larger than a ten dollar bill. I mean, really, ones? Do I look like a lap dancer to you?

Oh, and by the way, if you are going to take photos of me taking the cash and sticking it in my bra, can you make sure you use a flattering camera angle? The whole "under the table" thing really accents areas of my being that we should probably all just ignore.

Thank you for your bribe. It was a pleasure *cough* doing business with you.

Labels: money, News, wierd

Saw an article on FoxNews.com (I know, I know) that totally enlightened me on how awful my life must be.

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — A judge has brushed off a Connecticut woman's claim that
L'Oreal Inc. ruined her social life when she accidentally dyed her hair brunette with one of its products.
Charlotte Feeney of Stratford said she can never return to her natural blond hue, a shock that left her so traumatized she needed anti-depressants.
She says she suffered headaches and anxiety, missed the attention that blonds receive and had to stay home and wear hats most of the time.
A Superior Court judge dismissed Feeney's 2005 lawsuit Monday, saying she never proved her allegation that L'Oreal put brown hair dye in a box labeled as blond. The company also had disputed the claim. Feeney's attorney, David Laudano, declined to
comment and she could not be reached after the judge's decision.

I had no idea that my life sucks because I am a natural brunette. I seriously had no idea. I mean, I pretended I was blond that one day, but it wasn't like I was making a major life change.

So I'm just going to start staying home and wear hates "most of the time." Because obviously, having brown hair is a horrible, horrible affliction. I did not know this, but any headaches I get from now on, I'm going to just know it's from brunettitis.

By the way, someone will have to explain to me how a woman who was buying hair dye and using it is concerned that she cannot ever get back to her "natural blond hue". How natural was her hue if it came from a box? Besides, I'm pretty sure a halfway decent salon could resolve that issue.

Okay, off to go hat shopping!

Labels: cranky, News, odd

We get it. Every day, gas his a new high, be it in barrels or at the gas station down the street. It's no longer news, it's more a persistent buzzing in our ears.

Howzabout this: You report when it hits a new LOW instead. That will be something we all want to hear.

Labels: money, News

This was a story about a parrot that was able to provide the authorities it's name and address. Keen eyes at CNN.com missed the typo shown here.

I like the twist on the lost parent, because that's a trick used to keep a lost kid calm. You don't say the kid is lost, you say the parent is lost.

Labels: humor, News

Over on the Fox news website, they have a list of the "most popular" stories. I found the juxtaposition of these two headlines rather jarring.

I don't really have anything else to say about this that you probably aren't already thinking to yourself.

Labels: News, sad

Okay, now that we're over the lady with the toilet seat embedded in her behind, we get this lovely headline:

"Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead"

I'd rather have my ass absorb my toilet seat.

Labels: holy_crap, News

If I can say "Well, at least my ass didn't grow around my toilet seat" I'm having a good day.

Labels: fun, holy_crap, News, odd

Longtime fans of the Big DumpTruck know that I have odd obsessions. Some come and some go. Some appear to come and go because I don't talk about them as much as I used to. Michael "Lord of the Dance" Flatley, ice cream trucks, and Adam West come to mind (because I used to do a weekly Lord of the Dance update and talk about Adam West sightings, which I don't do any more. I still love them both.)

My current obsession is with garden gnomes. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did. I love them. I don't own any, but that's part of the appeal. Not having one means I get to focus my life on finding just the perfect one.

So now my family points out any television show or commercial that features garden gnomes. It's nice to have people trying to make me happy. Yesterday Mr. Dump sent me a link to a YouTube cartoon that had a very small garden gnome appearance that made me laugh out loud.

And today in the news there's an awesome report of a garden gnome terrorizing a small town in Argentina. Viva la scary gnome!

Labels: fun, gnomes, News, video

Junior has inherited my poor spelling skills, if the test I had to sign today because the score was so bad is any indication. I seem to have forged out a life for myself despite the fact that I had to use spell check to make sure I spelled "despite" correctly. (I did.)

Of course, out in the real world, being a lousy speller can embarrass you in front of millions. Check out this ABC News Headline (from their RSS feed, captured on Google)




Stox? Is this person a Boston native? Because yes, I do find myself having a bit of a problem if I have to write the word "socks" when not referring to the local baseball team.

Labels: News, words

You know, I try to keep things light here. I'm not in this to get a reputation as a bully or a bulldog or a bull-ony. But I read an article in the Sentinel today that absolutely made me furious. Enough so that I feel I should send a letter to the paper in response. But maybe I'll just vent here to keep myself in limited amounts of trouble.

So for background, go and read the story in the Sentinel and Enterprise. I'll wait.

Okay, so a local mom blew her top over a flier sent home to parents about a wine tasting to benefit the Leominster Education Foundation. A foundation, by the way, trying to raise money to put computers, software and other tools into the schools, outside of the regular school budget.

I'd heard about the wine tasting at the PTO meeting, and I thought it was great that they'd been able to put something like this together. I also got the flier in Junior's backpack this week.

Here's where my head exploded:

"The schools are basically saying, 'Hey, there's a wine tasting, give this to mommy and daddy so we can get drunk with them,'" Tarbell said Thursday afternoon.
Tarbell said the flier sends kids the message that drinking is acceptable.

You know, Ms. Tarbell, if you interpret a wine tasting as an invitation to get drunk, that would be YOUR PROBLEM and maybe you should look into getting some professional help. Wine Tasting does not equal kegger. Wine Tasting is not a tailgate party. Wine tasting is not taking a bottle of Boone's Farm behind the neighbor's barn when you were 12.

And guess what, Ms. Tarbell? Drinking IS acceptable. To pretty much everyone except Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Lindsey Lohan or anyone not legally of age to do so. I spent 3 weeks with a family in France and even the youngest kids had some watered down wine with their meals. Because it's not the big freaking deal it is over here. So when they turn 18 or 21 they don't immediately become useless wastoids intent on killing every last brain cell on 100 proof rum. Because they don't see things like wine tastings as Nosferatu's Welcome Wagon.

Your poor kids are going to have a really warped sense of alcohol's place in our lives, and I would fear that they are going to see it as the apple tree in the garden of Eden. "Oooh, it's forbidden and it makes mom crazy! It must be AWESOME!"

And if you don't like my response, too bad. Maybe you shouldn't have taken your misbegotten crusade to the newspaper. I got the flier, and there is NOTHING ABOUT IT that implies a)it's for kids and b) that it's anything but a very classy, exclusive opportunity for adults to gather and try small samples of wine and food. Not one thing about the flier would have been appealing to an 11 year old. My 9 year old didn't even look at it. YOU, my dear, are the one making your children think this is a BFD.

Well, hey, one thing, you got the Foundation's event a lot of free publicity. I'll bet people who weren't even thinking of going before are now going to buy a ticket. I know I may. Just to prove a point.

Labels: idiots, kids, News, rant

According to ABC News, Venezuela made the worlds' largest pot of soup. That's fantastic. I'm a little ashamed that I didn't think of it first. 3960 gallons of soup, that was. They claimed it was enough to feed 60-70,000 people. That's crap load of people. Let's do the math, shall we?

For 60,000 people, 15 folks would share a gallon of soup, give or take. We should round up, because there are 16 cups in a gallon. So I went and poured a cup of water into a bowl. Alright, that's not bad. But really, what if it's my favorite soup? A cup isn't bad, but do you think I'm going to the end of the line of 59,999 other people to try to get seconds? No way.

Labels: food, News, soup

Mr. Dump is.

Remember a long time ago I wrote about how he faked everyone at TGI Friday's out by saying a story on the TV was about drug-sniffing bees? And we all got a good laugh when he said he'd made it up?

There's a story on Gizmodo today about a device people are using along with bees trained to sniff drugs. Or bombs. Or bad novels.

Holy crap, someone must have read my website last February and decided to make this idea a reality. I should sue these people and make a lot of money! Go me! And go Bees!

Labels: bees, freaky, News

Senator Craig says he has a wide stance, and that's why when he sits on the toilet in a men's room, his foot goes all the way under the door and touches the foot of the person sitting next to him.

I have to tell you, I tried to do this at work (the other stall was empty) and I almost fell off the toilet.

I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, Senator [as of this minute] Craig may just be creating what we at the Dump House like to call "a story." Every once in a while Junior tries to pass off a story to cover up whatever he is doing/has done and my standard response is "do I look stupid to you?" That's the point where he comes clean.

I'm thinking that I should start writing outright lies about my life. You know, to spice things up. And if anyone calls me on it, I'll explain it's because I have a wide stance.

Labels: bathroom, junior, News, politics

Welcome Heathen-Seeker! I really do appreciate all the traffic being funnelled my way by the website that sent you here. I don't have any real plans to pimp my children out for the sake of a charity car wash, just in case that wasn't clear. I don't believe in car washes. On the other hand, I would allow any cute child of mine to open a charity lemonade stand on a busy street.

I kid!

No, I'm not about pimping my children. I'm not interested in short term rentals. The real money is in selling your children outright.

I kid again!

Here are important things that I would like to share with the hoard of Catholics (or is that a "pew of Catholics?") wandering through the front door:

• Dubble Bubble white gumballs are pineapple flavored.
• Disney's Meteos game boy game is very very hard so why make a Disney flavor that implies it's for kids? The Winnie the Pooh level is a killer!
• Mr. Dump made American Chop Suey for dinner. He's my hero.
• I wouldn't be sad if Barry Bonds retired before breaking the record.
• I'm confused. El Presidente said we were fighting this war to make America safer. So then why have the Al Qaeda reformed and possibly moved terror cells back into the US, putting us in the same danger we were pre-9/11 if...and I hesitate to even suggest it...the war in Iraq has nothing to do with Al Qaeda because the Iraqis didn't have anything to do with 9/11?
• CNN - you stink. What the hell is up with the new redesign? There is less branding (and useful information) on there now than there is on my website! And if you don't cut the crap with the video-only stuff I'm going to scream. Don't you even care about the millions of people who want to check the news at work and have video streaming blocked? I'm done with you. I'm going to have to go somewhere else to get my news and that's a sad, sad thing.
• The Vicar of Dibley - how come nobody told me about this show? I adore Dawn French!
  

Labels: News, video, websites, welcome

Apparently some dude in Texas stole $250,000 worth of Skittles. You almost don't need to add any commentary to a story like that, do you? $250k worth of candy. That's the value of the 28 pallets of Skittles that were in the truck. That's a lot of money. I can just hear what people are saying as they read this story.

You know, back when I was a kid, $250k would have bought you a lot more
than 28 pallets of Skittles. You could have gotten 50 pallets of Skittles, plus 10 pallets of Squirrel Nut Zippers, 10 pallets of Sugar Daddys, 15 pallets of candy cigarettes and 10 dozen cases of Moxie to wash 'em down. Candy prices these days...it's highway robbery! [sic]

The thing that I was wondering about is that there's a need for a tractor trailer truck with only Skittles on it. Nothing else? Not even a pack of gum or 3000?

Labels: candy, News, robbery

Mr. Dump called me from Aubachon Hardware (on Rt 12/North Main Street) to tell me that fire engines from 4 different communities appeared to be dealing with something near the Fitchburg line. Like near the MART garage. There was no smoke, but there were fire engines and ambulances.

There is no way on the planet to find out what is going on in a timely manner unless it's some sort of MAJOR happening that gets picked up by the news wires. Nothing on the Telegram or Sentinel (no duh) websites either. Now for the latter, even if they had a reporter helping to put out a fire, it wouldn't make their website until tomorrow afternoon. It really isn't reporting "news," it's reporting "olds".

Anyhoo, apparently there were lots of trucks and at least one was from Devens. That is some serious mutual aid if they're sending fire trucks from Devens. And yet, I know nothing. He didn't go near it, he had to go home and put the new spool of string on the trimmer. They discontinued our trimmer, doncha know. And Amazon said it could take one to four weeks to ship a replacement pack to us. Holy jungle cruise, Batman! In 4 weeks we won't be able to locate the dog if he stands near the fence!

So these are my two complaints of the day:

• I want every single piece of information that might impact me in any way to be instantly available on the Internet. Every day, all day.
• Aubachon Hardware - why the hell have you allowed squatters to own your domain? What the hell?! They cannot possibly have a claim to [DON'T CLICK IT!] aubachonhardware.com. Geez, what a stupid move! How the hell are people supposed to find you if they cannot type in the most logical domain name? That's it, I'm having Mr. Dump call them to yell at them.

Labels: News, Sentinel, Telegram, yardwork

I call this one even though there are plenty of months left in the year. Not for the squeamish. Then again, it's right there on CNN, so go ahead and just try to avoid this one.

Icky Icky Spider Story (You have been warned)

I need to go have a lie-down.

Labels: medical, News, YUCK

Okay, I don't think I should open THAT can of worms, knowing most of you are probably up late every night trying to work that puzzle out on your own. But the Worcester Telegram did figure out a way to annoy me today, and I figured I'd complain about it here because that's why I pay hosting fees and domain registration fees every year. That's what it's all about, my people.

The Telegram, a good source of local (Leominster) news, decided that instead of having a page of news items of specific interest to the "North" (which is where the Leominster, Fitchburg, Gardner, etc. stories were), and another for West, and another for Blackstone Valley, etc., they would just lump us under the heading "Suburbs".

Great. No offense to Hopkinton, but your news stories aren't really all that important to me. And I'm sure mine are not to you. So what the Telegram has effectively done, is go the Boston Media route of closing their eyes, blocking their ears with their fingers and saying "Nya nay nya I can't see you! You don't exist!" to anything outside of the 128 belt.

If I didn't have such a long history of being completely annoyed with the way the Fitchburg Sentinel is run (I love LOVE LOVE! when they run stories about events after they happen, not before, so that I can sit and feel badly that I didn't know about it. No, really, that's fantastic.

So ya, there may be a war going on, people dying and starving, etc., but I'm really ticked off that the paper has decided they can't be bothered to give us our own page any more.

Labels: 01453, Leominster, News, Sentinel, Telegram