The Big DumpTruck

Okay, I could sell these diet plans and make a bunch of those little piles of cash that you see in cartoons, you know the little bundles that thieves are always pulling out of wall safes? Okay, those.

Now these weight loss plans have not been verified as safe or effective by anyone, including me, doctors, or the lady who has to re-fold the shirts after I pull some out and hold them up to see if they have long sleeves or not.

Plan 1: Laptop Fat Melt
I'm pretty sure that I'm rendering the fat off my legs with this laptop. Even through the laptop lap pads I'm using (YES! TWO OF THEM AT ONCE!) it's still pretty damned warm. I like to think of this as George Foreman Grilling myself. Of course, this should only remove fat from your thighs and not from any of the rest of you so be prepared to have people stare at your new Popeye-like calves.

Plan 2: The Airplane Diet
This plan is only as expensive as the destinations you choose. So you start at an airport near your home and find a flight that will cover at least one meal, preferably two. Then you fly and only eat the food they serve on the plane. Except that food is so gross that nobody wants to eat it. Voila, weight loss. The key would be to just keep picking up new flights in each place you land so that you never eat any meals that aren't served on a plane. You could very well die of starvation, so please use this plan under the supervision of a qualified travel agent.

Plan 3: Pica has a Purpose
For you gals who've been pregnant, remember when they warned you about pica? Ya, I guess pregnancy triggers pica in a lot of people. Also kids between the ages of 1 and 6 tend to get pica, and you know most of THEM are pretty thin! So according to Google health people with pica (or on the Jody Pica Diet) may eat

• Animal feces
• Clay
• Dirt
• Hairballs
• Ice
• Paint
• Sand

I'm going out on a limb and recommending you stay away from any kind of feces. Look, we want to lose weight, not get thrown in a mental hospital.

I know they tell you to consult with a doctor before starting any kind of diet. I'd like to point out that if you consult with a doctor before beginning any of these diets, I'd rather not have my name mentioned. Ever. I've never seen you before in my life. Get out of here, you knuckleheads.

Labels: diet, food, funny, health

Here's a little something I created yesterday. I'll post the other one in a day or two. You know, spreading out the love.

Labels: funny, movies, video

On the off chance that you are looking for the "perfect" super ugly jacket to complete that zombie used car salesman costume you've been working on, Building 19 has a rack of some of the ugliest jackets I've seen in 30 years. Attached is a photo of my son modeling the "blue and peach striped 100% polyester" special. There is some major ugly on this rack (and the sign actually says "ugly jackets" for Halloween). Five bucks each, no questions asked. (We bought two. The red and black polyester hounds tooth makes my eyes water.)



Full disclosure: We went in there to look for a suit for my son's magician costume. He wanted a tux, I said I wasn't buying him one. On the "real" suit rack, right at the end, would you believe they had a "former rental" tux jacket with satin lapels for $20, and behind that a table with tux shirts (!) for $5? And the thing fits him like he was fitted for it. This place is better than the Salvation Army!

Labels: funny, Halloween, shopping

I'm pretending I'm a radio show with a week vacation. Here's a re-run "Best of the Dump" from 2005...

What's Lacking in My Life
You know what is seriously ticking me off right now? That nowhere, and I mean nowhere, am I referenced as "an important voice of [my] generation." What the hell is up with that oversight? What do I have to do to fix this problem, anyway?

I'm going to write a book, and damn it, each and every one of you is going to buy 10 copies. You will send them out to people you know who live in foreign places west of 495 (like, even maybe Indiana or someplace freaky like that). Do you hear me? You people are just not holding up your end of the partnership!

First Day As Your Voice
Okay, so now that I am officially an important voice of my generation, I would just like to welcome you all here and offer you some leftover Girl Scout Cookies. I know what you're thinking. "What is a leftover Girl Scout Cookie?" Right. Because such a thing does not normally exist in our universe. But I swear, they are GSCs and they are leftover. Actually, what happened is last year I hid a box and I didn't actually find them until recently. I think it was last year. It might have been 2003. But I think they're still good, because they aren't green.

Okay, so now that we're all cozy, I suppose I should take a poll about some of the things you find important, because as your official voice, I should know those things and be able to speak about them. Right? That's part of the job description, no? If the list is good, maybe I'll give it a whole chapter of my groundbreaking book of humorous essays that you are all going to be buying and distributing, along with the 2006 Magnetic Poetry Calendar with the June page proudly featuring my poem. So really, what I'm doing for you, in addition to being your voice, is helping you do all your holiday shopping 9 months early. No need to thank me, I can just see the gratitude in your smiling faces.

Whew. This is hard work. It's a lot more responsibility than I thought. Can you guys pass the cookies?

Labels: funny, rerun

It's "Shark" week, not "Shart" week. I had to make this my Facebook status because it is important that people understand why my pants are all stained and stinky. I totally got the week wrong. Shart week is NEXT month. Duh. I do this every year.

Thank God for this box of baby wipes. Let's hope the bag of prunes works its way out of my system sometime soon so I can get back to the serious business of running my worldwide tying-licorice-laces-into-bows empire.

Labels: funny, oops

Went horseback riding with my sister, her kids, their friend and my son. I knew they were going to have to give me a horse to fit my riding experience, so I picked this one. The kids all thought he was awesome. Unfortunately, they wouldn't let me have this one. Instead I got something akin to a Clydesdale. I'm pretty sure Domino could have easily plowed the back 40. He knew he had an easy mark on his back and went out of his way to eat everything he saw. "Don't let him eat anything!" Oh, easy for you to say. Domino disagrees with you!

Labels: funny, photos, Vacation

Some very good friends of mine declared today to be Saint Jody Day. Who am I to argue? I thought I should pass along info about the holiday in case you too want to celebrate. It doesn't have to be a big flashy SJD celebration, mind you, but there are a few traditions which I am starting and should be followed by all celebrants.

1. The eating of the crispy bacon. This year, SJD falls on a Friday, so it is bacon day. But henceforth, every St. Jody's Day shall be baconified.
2. The listening of 80s music. Oh yes. Every Carma Chameleon will Wang Chung tonight.
3. The wearing of the green pants. This is a toughie. This will weed out the wannabes. And yes, olive counts as green.
4. The accepting of offerings from the masses. You know, if there is a mass and it wants to offer something, I will accept it.
5. The writing with the purple pen. St. Jody only uses two types of mass-produced pen, both available at area retailers. Either the Pilot Precise V5, or the Pilot Easytouch (Harder to find in purple - I, however, have one.)

Go forth and have fun!

Labels: funny, holidays

Do you know how big a bus is???!!!

Meet Toby Jones, he'll store anything you want for $10.99.

Labels: funny, video

I don't know why everyone is harassing Sarah Palin about her $150,000 wardrobe enhancement. I mean, what's the big deal? That's about average in 2008, isn't it? I know that I still have $25,000 left to spend on my $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, but I'm feeling pretty good about the $125,000 I've spent. I mean, like Sarah, I have a lot of public appearances that I have to make. I appear in public pretty much daily.

My most recent purchase was a heavy-duty pull-over fleece top that I bought at the Blue Heron tent sale a week and a half ago. I got it for ten dollars. I mean, ten thousand dollars (*cough*) which is what the receipt I sent to the GOP said.

Really, what it comes down to is pantsuits and makeup that is not available in the cosmetics aisle of Target. That's really where the bulk of the enhancement budget went. I will look fabu in my new pantsuits as I meet "real Americans". And the makeup will transform me into a movie star. That's what it's all about, right? When I'm at the self-serve gas station, people will offer to pump my gas for me. Because they will look at my pantsuits and know that I'm somebody to worship.

Everything I own now, by the way, is encrusted in Swarovski crystals. That's what makes the difference between being dressed and being enhanced. When people see my glittery pants, tops and underwear, they will be excited to even be near me, and declare the money well spent. No more store-brand pants for me, I'm SOMEBODY NOW!

Labels: funny, money, shopping

Hey kids! It's your old pal Apple Johnnyseed reminding you to swing by the Old AV for all your old audio-visual needs! Betamax? Reel-to-reel? We got that, and more! This week only a sale on 8-Track players and accessories! The first 5 customers will get the new Beatles 8-Track, Magical Mystery Tour, for a buck!

Labels: advertizing, funny

No, not another post about the Palin/Biden debate. Although I sure had fun "live tweeting" about it. Glad I wasn't playing the "drink whenever Palin says something folksy" game. I had work the next morning!

For whatever reason, when I got home the step-son was watching some reality TV thing on Bravo. The show that followed was called Tabatha's Salon Takeover. The first episode we watched was about a salon in Long Island. It might have been the best television I have seen in years.

I do not say that lightly.

You could not have cast or written a scripted show that would have entertained me as much as this group of hairdressers. Two in particular, were FANTASTIC. The premise of the show is that Tabatha Coffey, a world-class hugely famous hair stylist and salon owner (apparently an icon in the industry) gets called in by drowning salon owners to "save" their businesses. It appears that the biggest problems are the owners, who don't know how to properly run a business, don't have any control over their staff, etc. etc. The first show we watched featured two Long Island sisters who ran their salon, bankrolled by daddy, like a sorority house. If you have a chance to watch this episode, you must. I'm a nice person, so I'm not going to comment on two of the girls working at the salon, but needless to say, I wanted to hit them with shovels.

We watched a 2nd episode, which was also interesting, but couldn't hold a candle to the first one in the sheer brainless staff department.

I don't know if the show will hold up for me over the course of a whole season or two, but our entire house was howling during these shows. Minimally you must Tivo it, just to watch when there isn't anything else on.

Oh, and Tabatha is British, and she's often "Gobsmacked." That's my new favorite word, although I don't know how easily I can slip it into conversation.

Labels: funny, television, tv

From Dump Friend Pia, via email:

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby.If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you
give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.If you give her a smile, she'll give
you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you
give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit." Author
unknown

I will admit, no matter how many groceries you give me, there is a damned good chance you won't get a meal. But I can give you a written guarantee on the ton of shit.

Labels: funny, quotes

It's never good to get an email from someone with only two words and a link in it, if the two words are "Uhhh, Jody?"

So I have no idea why this person has sent me a link to a Huffington Post article (originally published in 2007, republished Saturday), until I get about halfway down, and see, much to my amazement, my picture. A picture I modified using Paint Shop Pro 3.5 years ago, that to this day floats around the internet as an example of a bad makeup job. Even though it's not makeup, it was me playing with photo editing software. A photo that originally appeared here on the BDT on the day of my 40th birthday party, because I was wearing my birthday tiara.

Mr. Dump asked me if I was going to contact them for credit, and I said "Are you kidding me?" Here's the thing. That's not how I look. That's not real makeup, and I don't smoke. Do you think people will take the time to find that out? Do you think they will look at the original photo and the modified one and figure it all out? No, they'll think I'm Tammy-Faye-Courtney-Love LaFerriere. And that would be bad.

On the other hand, I find it INCREDIBLY amusing that a photo of me is used next to one of Reese Witherspoon on a hugely popular multi-national website. I hope people don't confuse us.

Labels: funny, me, photos

I was on the Accuweather website just now, looking to see if rain is expected to mar Junior's 2nd playoff baseball game tonight. I happened to scroll down past the important (to me) information and spotted the following table. What struck me as amusing is that they just aren't completely ruling out any of the things in the far right column. It's the first day of summer. And you aren't willing to say there is no chance of heavy snow? That there is minimal chance just because that way if the temperature drops fifty degrees you'll be covered? Good to know.

Labels: funny, weather, websites

This is a hilarious article that takes Hillary's past approach to the primaries and applies it to basketball.

http://blogs.tnr.com/tnr/blogs/the_plank/archive/2008/06/03/a-sports-parable.aspx

Enjoy.

Labels: funny, politics