The Big DumpTruck

Apparently, the people from The Biggest Loser are doing a casting call in Boston in early March (details are here: http://www.thebiggestlosercasting.com/). I saw this, and my first and only thought was No Freaking Way.

Yes, I have a lot of weight to lose before I'm happy. Yes, it would be awesome to have $250k. No, it would SUCK BEYOND WORDS to subject myself to having the world look at my fat ass on television. Never mind the whole world; I'm sure there are people in Kansas who I would never meet in real life so it wouldn't be an issue. But I cannot even fathom putting myself out there to be watched by my coworkers. How could I ever face them again?

"Hey, Jody, great episode of you collapsing in a heap yelling "Ow! Ow! I have a stitch in my side! OW!" 20 seconds after you starting running in last night's episode."

Um, ya, and hey, how did you guys like the way every cell in my body jiggled for the camera!?

No no no. I'm losing weight right now, at a reasonable 1-2 pounds a week (down around 13.5 right now) and the only person who is watching is ME, and that's hard enough. I'm old enough that I may never wear a 2-piece bathing suit again, even if I got down to an unlikely 130 pounds. Putting on something similar to be paraded around on television? Um, I'd need the $250k up-front, thanks.

Labels: diet, television, weight

Okay, I could sell these diet plans and make a bunch of those little piles of cash that you see in cartoons, you know the little bundles that thieves are always pulling out of wall safes? Okay, those.

Now these weight loss plans have not been verified as safe or effective by anyone, including me, doctors, or the lady who has to re-fold the shirts after I pull some out and hold them up to see if they have long sleeves or not.

Plan 1: Laptop Fat Melt
I'm pretty sure that I'm rendering the fat off my legs with this laptop. Even through the laptop lap pads I'm using (YES! TWO OF THEM AT ONCE!) it's still pretty damned warm. I like to think of this as George Foreman Grilling myself. Of course, this should only remove fat from your thighs and not from any of the rest of you so be prepared to have people stare at your new Popeye-like calves.

Plan 2: The Airplane Diet
This plan is only as expensive as the destinations you choose. So you start at an airport near your home and find a flight that will cover at least one meal, preferably two. Then you fly and only eat the food they serve on the plane. Except that food is so gross that nobody wants to eat it. Voila, weight loss. The key would be to just keep picking up new flights in each place you land so that you never eat any meals that aren't served on a plane. You could very well die of starvation, so please use this plan under the supervision of a qualified travel agent.

Plan 3: Pica has a Purpose
For you gals who've been pregnant, remember when they warned you about pica? Ya, I guess pregnancy triggers pica in a lot of people. Also kids between the ages of 1 and 6 tend to get pica, and you know most of THEM are pretty thin! So according to Google health people with pica (or on the Jody Pica Diet) may eat

• Animal feces
• Clay
• Dirt
• Hairballs
• Ice
• Paint
• Sand

I'm going out on a limb and recommending you stay away from any kind of feces. Look, we want to lose weight, not get thrown in a mental hospital.

I know they tell you to consult with a doctor before starting any kind of diet. I'd like to point out that if you consult with a doctor before beginning any of these diets, I'd rather not have my name mentioned. Ever. I've never seen you before in my life. Get out of here, you knuckleheads.

Labels: diet, food, funny, health