The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Tag: shopping

Adventures in Tequilaland

Last night Tom took me to Ixtapa Cantina for guacamole and I had a margarita that literally made my eyes stop working properly. [Thumbs up, El Presidente!] In the spirit of Christmas, he wrote down Jody quotes because fair is fair after I wrote the Michael quotes while he was on anesthesia.
We then went drunk shopping at Walmart, which I think was a ripoff because I didn’t find anything good to make him buy me. My next morning comments are in italics.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[I tweeted these myself from the restaurant]

This margarita is made with cocaine or something. Oh my god who broke my eyes.

Oh my Hod two of you liked my tweet you guys are the ducking best. But not as good as these margaritas.

We’re gonna park in someone’s driveway and take pictures of their Christmas lights, like Americans. It is our right!

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน
I need you to be that guy who would steal a balloon from a 7 year old.

Mikey says [about Tom] “But he’s a nice guy!” Like that’s an excuse.

[about going to jail after he steals a balloon]
Shit. I’m gonna have to be in a lesbian relationship again.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[About shopping for Tom’s daughter for Christmas She] needs drugs and cigarettes to trade in the big house.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

I’m cutting this like the Incredible Hulk. Did I eat lunch today?

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน
Dude you know what I could do with [$15,000]? Breasts up to here. Watch the Brady bunch. Teenage boobies.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

This is the greatest meal ever in possibly my entire life! [Takes another bite] It’s kinda salty.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

I just want to eat the outside shell of my burrito. It’s called a tortilla. The skin of my burrito.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[Regarding my favorite musician/band (other than Jeff Lynne) Luce]
Luce’s first name is Tom. So you’ll just have to wonder if I ever call out that name.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[Inside the restaurant] Can we take pictures of Christmas lights? Not In here.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

It’s not a good time of year to get those water balloon multiple thingies. And I should know.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

You know what would be the worst Christmas present? Wrapping paper. And thank you cards.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

Crotchless pants? Do they sell them at Walmart? Sweet! Not saying I’ve bought them before. At least at Walmart.
[I completely do not remember saying this one AT ALL.]

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[spotting a skewer of Peeps]
Look! This is impaled peeps! Look they stabbed you and it makes it taste better.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

Can we buy a cello? My Amazon wish list is full of magical things.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

Look it’s resting bitch face Barbie!


๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

I love you. This lighting is very unflattering.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

Why didn’t you tell me my cleavage was showing?! And I’m not buttoning up. People will have to deal with my boobage.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

Share

Expanding My Horizons

I recently added a cello to my Amazon wish list, because I think it’s good to learn you suck at as many things as humanly possible. Starting to feel cocky about yourself? Here, let’s see how you do with this set of oil paints, Vermeer. (See also: the tap shoes I bought myself.) 

This is the cello. 

  
Seriously, how COOL is that? I could hang it up as art when I invariably realize I’m not a cellist! 

That wishlist is more just a way to bookmark stuff I might buy myself later than a list I think people will actually use. I have zero expectation that my fan club members will pool the change in their car consoles to get me a home electrolysis system. I mean, unless my unsightly knee beard is really bothering them. Which, really, will be an interesting conversation that we must have as soon as I can find the time to spend with someone PRETENDING to be a fan. 

Share

A Staples Death Rattle

Did you ever encounter a situation that was so unbelievably silly that you can’t even really get mad as it’s happening, but you get more and more angry about it later? Let me tell you a little story about my Staples adventure!

 

I had been thinking about getting an external keyboard for my iPad mini. Because my printer is low on black ink I ran to Staples and thought I’d see what they had. I’m kind of a Goldilocks when it comes to keyboards so I like to try them out.

 

I found the section with iPad keyboards pretty quickly. All the boxes had “Display Unit” on them (one box per brand/style) so I walked around looking for the display, which didn’t appear to be anywhere in the store.

 

Sales guy approached and I asked to see the keyboards.

 

“We used to have them on display but they took it away.” (Who is they, and why would they do that? And how is this a valid explanation for anything?)

 

“Oh, because the boxes all say ‘Display unit.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“…so there aren’t any in the boxes.”

 

“No.”

 

I wait a moment, because surely he’s going to help me, right? I’m pretty sure it’s his turn to offer up information.

 

But no.

 

“So I can’t even take one out of the box to try it because you literally don’t have any on the shelves.”

 

“Right.”

 

“Just empty boxes.”

 
“Sorry.”

 

Okay, Staples? How is this even remotely acceptable? Aren’t you in the business of selling things? ย What is this nonsense of filling shelves with empty display boxes? Watch me walk out the door and not come back the next time I need something tablet or computer related. Because “Display only” boxes with no display is one of the most stupid things I’ve run into in months. And I can go to Target or Walmart or Best Buy and get a damned keyboard and I’ll bet the boxes aren’t empty.

 

Also, train your sales “people” to anticipate my follow-up questions and not give a one word answer to a reasonable line of questions if you want us to bother driving to your store instead of just ordering things online.

Share

Tools For Improving My Whole Life

I found a thing on Amazon (and put it on my wishlist!) that is the one thing that I need to make everything in my life fall into place. It will make me healthier, prettier, make men fall in love with me on sight. It will improve my singing voice, my ability to cook chicken, and I’m pretty sure it would get me that Miss America Crown I’ve always wanted.

One thing it would really do well is help me write that book I’ve been meaning to write for the past 30 years. It would help get it published, too. And then it would help the book sell and make me a freaking boatload of money.

I’m of course talking about the Montegrappa Chaos Limited Edition 18K Gold Rollerball Pen.
The Limited Edition 18K Gold Rollerball Pen of my dreams!
ย 
(Click to view on Amazon)

I think what I like best about it is the fact that the pen comes with not one but two skulls. Sure, all that intricate detail might really irritate your hand after hours of writing with it. But isn’t that a small price to pay for an 18k Gold rollerball?

I feel I must issue a stern warning about this pen, though. The pen, while awesome, is not jewel-encrusted. I can’t think of a single thing that isn’t made better by jewel encrustation. This pen would be, that’s for damned sure.

BUT, I’m going to stick my neck out and still recommend this pen. It is a limited edition, and technically, you could probably attach your own diamonds to it. I mean, I think you should, actually. In fact, I insist upon it. After you order this pen for me, you should arrange to have your favorite jeweler attach diamonds. Maybe a ruby or two. Nothing too ostentatious, but something to add a little pop to the pen. Looking at it now, it’s almost too plain without the jewels. Maybe you should just save your $69,000 while I try to find something better. Or, hey, get this for me and I’ll use it to write you a thank you card.

Share

Smelling Nice for Jesus

I touched a product at Bed, Bath and Beyond and now my hand smells like the lining of the coat of the old lady sitting in front of you at church. You know, she wants to smell nice for Jesus. I don’t know that he can smell her, or anything else for that matter. If my interpretation of the Bible is correct, Jesus is no longer in human form, and I’m pretty sure spirits don’t have the ability to smell a darned thing, so the drug store eau de toilette was wasted on the church crowd trying to desperately block their noses. Of course, Mom always said you should offer your suffering up to Jesus. I like to think that if Jesus was born and raised a human, even in spirit form, he’s got a lot of human in him. And as a human, he’s probably had it up to here with people offering their suffering up to him.

“Sweet Me, would you just cut it out? I mean seriously, ENOUGH. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. You people are crazy, and I am going to give you all shingles if you don’t cut the crap.”

In my world, shingles is a punishment from Jesus. That would explain why I’ve never had shingles and a lot of other people have. I have never made crazy demands of him for my team to win a major sporting event. Or for some chick at a public pool to show a little bit of boob. Or death to an in-law. I’m good people when it comes to bothering Jesus, and so I remain shingles free.

Share

I Didn’t Order an iPad

I know there are people out there who assume I would be a pre-order kind of gal with this one, but I didn’t. For one thing, I just don’t have that kind of cash lying around the Mansion. I mean, moat maintenance isn’t cheap, people. And the psychic killer dolphins that live in the moat have to eat. And they eat a LOT. More than I expected when I went ahead and had them created in the lab. I think it would have been more cost-effective to go with something, let’s say, “traditional” but you know me. I’m not like that.

So you kids with your fancy big flat Apple products will just have to not gloat more than usual around me, as I try to decide if I should by one or put the helicoptor landing pad on the roof. These are important decisions that should not be taken lightly.

Share

Jody vs. the Target Shelving Unit

I am not a handy person. We should get that out of the way early. It would be a lie to present myself as the kind of person that Home Depot would ask to write a “How To” guide. More likely, I would write the kind of guide that they were selling at Lowe’s that will apparently cause you to do something that could burn your house down.

But one of my hypothyroidism side effects is the whole clutter thing, and my addiction to buying storage materials that don’t always solve the problems they were intended to solve. My most recent purchase was not storage bins, interestingly. It was actually a small metal shelving unit thingy that I bought to put in the hall closet so that I can store some of my “I have no place to put this” pots and pans.

This shelf looked to be a good size to just tuck into the closet, and the box said “No tools required!”. I have some tools, but any time I don’t have to use them, I’m happy.
Today, while the oil company guy was doing my annual burner cleaning [no cavities!] I decided to put the shelves together. After all, the box had been sitting in the kitchen for a few days now. All the parts appeared to be included. More than enough, in fact. There were 3 extra snap-one-y things, and there were 8 little caps that served no known purpose (they weren’t listed on the parts list, nor did they logically have any place in the assembled shelving.) Speaking of the parts list, the drawings for parts C and D were indistinguishable. So that was helpful. Imagine two 2 inch lines. That’s basically what they showed me. Lastly, there were 4 parts missing, I believe because between the instructions being printed and the materials being packed up, they decided to go with a different model for C and D and there was no longer a need for a separate part to connect them. They had built-in connectors.

Okay, so I figured out all the parts and pieces. I started to read the directions, which clearly said “2 people required for stable assembly”. You know, there are a lot of different ways to interpret stable assembly. I’m pretty stable. Would doing this alone make me unstable?

The directions also highly recommended I use a rubber mallet to complete the last steps of assembly. Okay, show of hands: who here thinks a rubber mallet is actually a tool and therefore the “no tools needed” claim on the outside of the box is pure crap? Ya, that’s what I thought.
It was getting to be time for me to go to work, because the oil burner guy was done. My shelving was pretty much the most unstable thing I’ve ever built at this point. I didn’t have time to get a rubber mallet before leaving, so I’m just hoping the dog doesn’t try to climb on the thing while I’m gone.

If you want to try to simulate the stability of my shelving, get 4 sharpened pencils and a piece of paper. Jam one pencil into each corner of the paper. Stand this up on your table. Voila. You have a paper shelving unit from Target, with no tools required!

Share

Building 19 Used Car Salesmen Supplies

On the off chance that you are looking for the “perfect” super ugly jacket to complete that zombie used car salesman costume you’ve been working on, Building 19 has a rack of some of the ugliest jackets I’ve seen in 30 years. Attached is a photo of my son modeling the “blue and peach striped 100% polyester” special. There is some major ugly on this rack (and the sign actually says “ugly jackets” for Halloween). Five bucks each, no questions asked. (We bought two. The red and black polyester hounds tooth makes my eyes water.)

Super Ugly Jacket on Cute Model

Full disclosure: We went in there to look for a suit for my son’s magician costume. He wanted a tux, I said I wasn’t buying him one. On the “real” suit rack, right at the end, would you believe they had a “former rental” tux jacket with satin lapels for $20, and behind that a table with tux shirts (!) for $5? And the thing fits him like he was fitted for it. This place is better than the Salvation Army!

Share

My Eye Twitch Prevents Me From Looking Fabulous

I bought a scarf at Target. I mean, Cole Haan. Right, that’s what I meant. So anyway, I like my Ta…Cole Hahn scarf because it makes me look all artsy and stuff. I think if you saw me you would say “there goes a gal who has song in her heart and half a book on her laptop.” You might be wrong on both counts, but I won’t correct you. You’re allowed to exaggerate about me.

But then, you look a little closer. Okay, and a little closer. Dude, personal space! Okay, and that’s when you notice my right eye is twitching. I fear you will see this, and immediately think of Herbert Lom as Chief Inspector Dreyfus in the Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies. You know what I mean. If you don’t, go order one on Netflix and come back here when you’re done watching it. I’ll wait.

I think the eye twitch is keeping me from full fabulousness. I do plan to retire to the boudoir early this evening (the boy woke me up at 6:45 ON A SATURDAY!!! because he was having some stomach issues. “Mummy needs her beauty sleep, precious!”) Once there, I will try harness the power of my awesomeness for good, not evil.

Share

Candyland

My friend Pia used to get candy sent to her from her family in Norway. And if I was a good girl, she would share it with me. I grew to love one candy in particular, Nidar Laban Seigmenn. These are little people-shaped gummy candies, the best gummy candy I’ve ever had. They rule. And they aren’t readily available in the U.S.

So when we were at Disney last month I found them. FOUND THEM! in Norway, of course. I bought 4 packages, which wasn’t nearly enough but I didn’t have my pack mule with me, so 4 was enough.

Yesterday we finished bag 3. I have one left. One measly bag. I have to find a supplier, stat. Damn you, Norway, and your delicious but hard to find candy!!!!

[Edit: Wow, iPhone spellcheck really made a good one. No, I’ve never had gummy candida. Yeesh. Let me just fix that.]

Share