I just spent 3-4 hours of my evening undoing all the harm I did to this website. I couldn’t tell you if I fixed it, or put it back to the way it was, say, yesterday. I broke the hell out of it, I did. If this looks close, we’ll call that a victory.
My kid is historically an over-achiever. He was married by the time he was five. I went and found all the related posts and present them here.
Junior announced to me this morning that he had to go to work, get into his ninja costume and do the ninja dance (that his boss had taught him) with his girlfriend the cheerleader, Julia.
I had no idea he’d finally found a job.
After showing me the “ninja dance” this evening, Junior added “You know why we do that kick at the end? Because the grown-ups only want to see the cheerleaders.”
He also introduced me to his invisible girlfriend Julia. When I said hello to her, he informed me that he doesn’t speak for her, she does her own talking. This should be a quiet evening.
*newsflash* Oh, wait, it isn’t his girlfriend…it’s his WIFE! He told me the reason I didn’t get to go to the wedding is because “you weren’t invited.” Wow, I already hate my daughter-in-law and I just met her.
My new daughter-in-law is still hanging around. Apparently she slept in the spare room last night. She hung around with us in the car today but at some point she must have wandered off because he hasn’t talked about her or to her for 5 or so hours now.
Julia, my invisible daughter-in-law, hasn’t been making many appearances. I have to admit I kind of forgot about her. But last night, Junior approached the coach and said
“I can’t find them! I can’t find my kids! I was supposed to only get one, but he game me two!”
“Two babies. Julia and I have two babies now.”
“Who gave them to you?”
“Joe. He’s the guy who gives out the babies. And he gave us two but I can’t find them.”
“Well, you’d better get looking because I don’t want strange kids running around my house. If you are going to have kids, you have to be responsible for them. You need to keep an eye on them.”
“They’re a boy and a girl. The boy is named Jonah, and the girl is…the girl is named Jody! I’ll go check my room. Maybe they are up there.”
Damn. A grandmother and I’m not even 40.
We had this exchange the other morning.
Jr: After breakfast, Julia and I have to have a talk.
Jr: Ya. She’s gonna be moving out.
Me: I hope it isn’t because of something I said.
Jr: No, it’s just time.
(Okay, so I feel like a total slimeball now. Cause I think my teasing about not liking her because she didn’t invite me to the wedding has made him decide to toss aside his wedding vows.)
I know it’s been a while since I’ve talked about my invisible daughter-in-law Julia, but she does come up every once in a while. About two weeks ago Junior mentioned something about Julia and Jim (Jim is his invisible buddy, I’m not sure if he lives with us or not), but since then nothing.
Yesterday when he got home from his new child care center, aside from gushing that it was the greatest place in the universe, he casually mentioned that he had a new girlfriend. I’m loving and supportive, and trying hard not to be the jealous psycho mom you see in TV movies, so I don’t tell him he’s too young. I don’t even tell him that because he’s already married to Julia he can’t actually have a girlfriend. I just ask what her name is.
“I don’t know. But she wears an orange shirt.”
“Well honey, what if she isn’t wearing that shirt tomorrow?”
“She has a mountain of hair.”
Oh good gravy, it’s so hard to keep a straight face sometime. Don’t you just want to eat him up? Miss Mountain-of-Hair is a very lucky young lady.
I hate to admit how many episodes of The Love Boat I’ve watched. But it’s a LOT of them. I think my favorite part is the gritty realism. But if you can get past the danger and intrigue and look deeper, you’ll see the pure nonsense that is my favorite reason to watch the show. Here are my some of my favorite things to ponder, in no particular order.
- Why is the gift shop so small? I’ve seen bigger gift shops in a Ramada. This is the spot where passengers can buy anything they forgot to pack and various episode that happened to have shot inside show a ton of jewelry and some dress shirts. if you need a watch, they have them. sunscreen and magazines? I’m not so sure.
- Vicki is Captain Stubing’s biological daughter but he had to adopt her for some reason. I haven’t seen that episode. So Vickie is on the boat from the time she’s 12. Unlike The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, there isn’t a school on board. I’ve never heard mention of homeschooling, so I guess she’s a University of Phoenix alum.
- Vickie worked as Julie’s assistant from an early age, which I assume was an unpaid role because she was only 13. Between her “studies” and assisting Julie in whatever it is she does (see below) Vicki can, uh, swim? a cruise ship is probably an awful place to be an indentured servant.
- Why does everyone buy a piñata (or a tiny chair) when the go ashore? You just watch the extras in every episode as the disembark at the end of the cruise.
- Captain Stubing doesn’t really drive the boat. he’s never on the bridge unless someone swings by to talk to him and then that conversation gets his FULL attention. I guess there’s another officer who does the heavy lifting, but he/she is faceless and names less. Aside from the main characters, the only other staff we see are engineers, maids, and waitresses in the Pirates’ Cove Lounge (not to be confused with the Acapulco Lounge) dressed like pirates.
- Is it really possible to meet someone, fall in love and get engaged on a 3-day Mexican cruise? Apparently true love means never needing more than a long weekend to get to know each other.
- Julie my cruise director spent a lot of time walking around chatting and not a lot of cruise directing. Gopher and Doc don’t do much more, but at least Doc once did surgery in his tiny office, and diagnosed a guy with ALS and another with cancer. Doesn’t she have parties and events to plan and oversee? She must be good at her job because once she threw together a pirate party and suddenly all the passengers had costumes. She did accidentally hire a male stripper once thinking he was a regular dancer. Attention to detail much, Miss McCoy?
- Isaac is the clear winner of the “Most Valuable Employee” award. He appears to work 18 hours a day and isn’t constantly falling for the passengers unless they are Diahann Carroll. Isaac should be calling to complain to HR about how much more he works than Everyone else. While Doc, Julie and Gopher are hogging seats at the captain’s table sitting *closest* to the captain (what the hell? isn’t that for VIPs?) he’s been seen doing bartender things on the side of the dining room. I’d be mad as hell if I were him.
- Would the captain and key staff of a ship that does three-day jaunts to Mexico be asked to all take over a ship with a European trip? They arrive at the ship basically the day before they sail, which doesn’t leave much time to learn enough to help passengers. Or steer the ship. Or get a license to practice medicine in a foreign country. Isaac will be fine, though, because he’s awesome.
The idea of a weeks-long medical leave to recover from my surgery made me giddy! Oh the things I would accomplish! I could write a novel! I would nap! I would take walks when I felt better! I would….
…Play solitaire and watch tv shows about serial killers and cruise ship employees that are allowed to pick up people while on duty. I would spent a lot of money shopping online. I would set up a table near the couch so I could simply not move for weeks.
My couch is starting to feel like a prison. I’m not looking forward to going back to 40 hours a week of stress and nonsense, but it will be nice to leave my living room.
I wrote a post a while back and it was sitting in draft mode. I may publish it with a previous date. I just might do that, don’t you try to stop me!
I have really ignored my site and that’s a shame because next year is the 20th anniversary of bigdumptruck.com and maybe I’ll have to fire things up and offer prizes to people who actually read my posts and can answer questions. Or people who send me money or diamonds. They could get a prize as well. Amazon has a whole thing now where you can offer items as prizes, which makes me laugh when I’m looking at something particularly expensive. I think I get seven visitors a day (probably because I update so infrequently, what with Twitter taking up the ten minutes a day I used to devote to writing here.
If I offer a prize, it will likely be something incredibly useless. I think those are the best prizes of all, don’t you?