The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Stack Ranking Sick People

I declare new rules for Emergency Room prioritization. We have to throw out HIPPAA because you should have to loudly announce what’s wrong with you so the rest of us can stack rank you against the others to decide who goes in first using the following guidelines. 

1. Heavily bleeding flesh wound (cause that’s a quick fix anyway)

2. Throwing up or about to. I don’t need that shit while I’m sitting waiting

3. Passing out from pain

4 Trouble breathing normally

5. Clammy skin the color of the parking garage.

6. Head injury

7. Uncontrollable swelling 

8. 4 hour erections (see 7)

9. Swallowed a battery

10. Broken bone (not compound fracture) 

11. Something stuck in a body orifice that you can’t get out

12. Thing for which you could go to a Minute Clinic if it was open

13. Place for you and your friend to sit while you both eat fruit cup with your fingers 

Share

Adventures in Tequilaland

Last night Tom took me to Ixtapa Cantina for guacamole and I had a margarita that literally made my eyes stop working properly. [Thumbs up, El Presidente!] In the spirit of Christmas, he wrote down Jody quotes because fair is fair after I wrote the Michael quotes while he was on anesthesia.
We then went drunk shopping at Walmart, which I think was a ripoff because I didn’t find anything good to make him buy me. My next morning comments are in italics.

🍹🍹🍹

[I tweeted these myself from the restaurant]

This margarita is made with cocaine or something. Oh my god who broke my eyes.

Oh my Hod two of you liked my tweet you guys are the ducking best. But not as good as these margaritas.

We’re gonna park in someone’s driveway and take pictures of their Christmas lights, like Americans. It is our right!

🍹🍹🍹
I need you to be that guy who would steal a balloon from a 7 year old.

Mikey says [about Tom] “But he’s a nice guy!” Like that’s an excuse.

[about going to jail after he steals a balloon]
Shit. I’m gonna have to be in a lesbian relationship again.

🍹🍹🍹

[About shopping for Tom’s daughter for Christmas She] needs drugs and cigarettes to trade in the big house.

🍹🍹🍹

I’m cutting this like the Incredible Hulk. Did I eat lunch today?

🍹🍹🍹
Dude you know what I could do with [$15,000]? Breasts up to here. Watch the Brady bunch. Teenage boobies.

🍹🍹🍹

This is the greatest meal ever in possibly my entire life! [Takes another bite] It’s kinda salty.

🍹🍹🍹

I just want to eat the outside shell of my burrito. It’s called a tortilla. The skin of my burrito.

🍹🍹🍹

[Regarding my favorite musician/band (other than Jeff Lynne) Luce]
Luce’s first name is Tom. So you’ll just have to wonder if I ever call out that name.

🍹🍹🍹

[Inside the restaurant] Can we take pictures of Christmas lights? Not In here.

🍹🍹🍹

It’s not a good time of year to get those water balloon multiple thingies. And I should know.

🍹🍹🍹

You know what would be the worst Christmas present? Wrapping paper. And thank you cards.

🍹🍹🍹

Crotchless pants? Do they sell them at Walmart? Sweet! Not saying I’ve bought them before. At least at Walmart.
[I completely do not remember saying this one AT ALL.]

🍹🍹🍹

[spotting a skewer of Peeps]
Look! This is impaled peeps! Look they stabbed you and it makes it taste better.

🍹🍹🍹

Can we buy a cello? My Amazon wish list is full of magical things.

🍹🍹🍹

Look it’s resting bitch face Barbie!


🍹🍹🍹

I love you. This lighting is very unflattering.

🍹🍹🍹

Why didn’t you tell me my cleavage was showing?! And I’m not buttoning up. People will have to deal with my boobage.

🍹🍹🍹

Michael Comes Out of Anesthesia

The boy had some oral surgery today. Here are some choice quotes from right after he woke up and we were allowed in the recovery room. 

😜😜😜

He drooled some blood onto his shirt. “Oh no! I ruined my shirt! I can never wear it again! [pause] I hate this shirt.”

A minute later when he re-noticed the blood from before. “Oh nooooooooo!”

😜😜😜

He attempted to sing the 12 Days of Christmas along with the Muzak. Poorly.

😜😜😜

A chair squeaked in the hallway. “IS THAT A PUPPY?! Is that Tommy? Tommy the recovery puppy? I want a puppy!”

😜😜😜

He was feeling his pants and they were making a rustling noise. “Why are your pants making noise?” “It’s flesh. [pause] I should iron these pants.” (They’re sweatpants.)

😜😜😜

When the nurse went to take his blood pressure he told the nurse she had very soft hands. Then he complimented her ring. “A lot of people don’t like green things but it’s very nice.”

😜😜😜

“The Spanish lady isn’t Spanish any more.”

😜😜😜

“I was awake for the whole thing. The doctor was talking about how nobody in the office likes him.”

😜😜😜

“It worked”
“What worked?”
“My legs. They still work.”

😜😜😜

He said he wants to use the $10 I owe him (we had a bet on whether or not they’d do the surgery) to buy a ball pitching machine [“It’s NOT a pitching machine cause they use them for tennis!”] like they have at batting cages, but big enough to shoot dodge balls. He wants to donate it to Creative Choices summer camp. “Why?” “Well, *I* don’t want it!”

😜😜😜

“How did I get here?” [the room]
“You walked.”
“No I didn’t!”
“She said you did.”
“She’s a bullshitting liar!”

😜😜😜

“My legs work again!”

😜😜😜
“They put a thing over my nose and told me it would make my arms tingle…but then it made my balls tingle and I got worried. They told me it was okay and I’d be able to have kids.”
“You *asked* them?”
“I should have some say if my babies are going to die!”

Yes, dear, you certainly should.

😜😜😜

Expanding My Horizons

I recently added a cello to my Amazon wish list, because I think it’s good to learn you suck at as many things as humanly possible. Starting to feel cocky about yourself? Here, let’s see how you do with this set of oil paints, Vermeer. (See also: the tap shoes I bought myself.) 

This is the cello. 

  
Seriously, how COOL is that? I could hang it up as art when I invariably realize I’m not a cellist! 

That wishlist is more just a way to bookmark stuff I might buy myself later than a list I think people will actually use. I have zero expectation that my fan club members will pool the change in their car consoles to get me a home electrolysis system. I mean, unless my unsightly knee beard is really bothering them. Which, really, will be an interesting conversation that we must have as soon as I can find the time to spend with someone PRETENDING to be a fan. 

Shopping is Scary

I didn’t shop on Black Friday. I actually finally went to the mall tonight because I figured it would be safe by 5pm. (I may have been right about this – Santa was sitting alone killing time until he could put up the “feeding the reindeer” sign for the night.)
I had to return an item at JC Penny and check something at Macy’s. It’s very festive at the mall. The system at Penny’s played “Mele Kalikimaka,” which I actually consider a sad excuse for a Christmas song. Not a fan. I made my return, and headed over to Macy’s. While I perused the clearance rack, I was stunned to hear Mele Kalikimaka again. A different version of course. Creepy, right?
Eventually I left Macy’s to trek back through the mall to get back to my car. And as I crossed through the doorway back into the mall… Mele Kalikimaka was playing. Because CLEARLY MY LIFE IS A LIVING HELL. 

And that’s why I avoid the mall during the holidays.