Posted in humor, lists

What Amuses Me

Welcome to class, students of “What makes Jody laugh.” We will go deep into Rifftrax and MST3K
(“The Power of Mocking Humor”) but also the following:

  • Weird juxtapositions (signs, bad captions or the wrong video in news reports)
  • Funny foreign packaging (aka dollar store humor)
  • Theater of the Absurd (The Jerk, Arrested Development, Batman TV series, Daily Show rants or things like Bad Lip Reading http://youtu.be/Zce-QT7MGSE)
  • People getting caught in a lie that they have to go with to ridiculous lengths to support (IT Crowd – Roy getting stuck pretending he’s handicapped (http://youtu.be/BHwawAf0-Bc),
    Extras – Ricky Gervais being forced to lie about being in the cemetery to visit his dead mother (http://youtu.be/HLTeltR87vw starts at about 3:40)

There will be a quiz.

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Posted in coolness, humor, lists, writing

So You Want To Be a Superhero

Welcome to lesson one of the self-paced training session “So You Want To Be a Superhero”. This course consists of 25 lessons, which should be completed in numbered order. You should never attempt to jump to Lesson 15, Stopping a Moving Vehicle with Your Feet” until after you complete Lesson 5, “Verifying Your Personal Strength Limits” and Lesson 9, “Are You Invincible?”

WE CANNOT STRESS HIGHLY ENOUGH THAT SKIPPING LESSONS MAY CAUSE BLISTERING, HEARING LOSS AND/OR DEATH.

Also, lesson-skippers will be blacklisted at the Justice League of America and superhero employment opportunities will simply not be available to you.

Lesson 1: Introduction to Superheroing

Many people who sign up for this class are under the mistaken impression that just about anyone can be a superhero. Nothing could be further from the truth. Not everyone can be a superhero. Some people can’t even be heroes without proper adult supervision.

Here are some questions we would like you to consider before you continue on with your lessons:

Am I Likable?
While not a requirement, it really does help you run your superhero empire if people naturally like you. If you are hateable, people will question your motives, and are likely to try to sue you for the damage you’ll do in the line of duty. Put a whole in a building to stop bank robbers and a likable hero will get a medal. An unlikable one will get a bill for repairs.

 What is My Motivation?
Did bad guys do you wrong? Are you trying to avenge something? Or are you taking this class because you hate math and thought it would be a good way to get on television? Being a superhero is not easy. You’re never fully off duty. You want to go on vacation to the Grand Canyon? You’ll probably spend your time there preventing some villain from trying to fill it with quick-drying cement.

How will I look in Spandex?
This question should not be ignored. Superheroes are attention magnets. You will receive lots of press exposure, and looking good is part of the gig. Nobody wants to be rescued by a guy with a beer belly stretching the limits of his uniform. Are you willing to commit to do the work it takes to keep the spandex lump-free?

 Do You Overheat Easily?
How do you handle warm weather? Do you sweat a lot, get a red face and just generally feel miserable when you get warm? Go get a refund on this course right now. Almost all superheros have alter-egos to hide their true identity. Those alter-egos are nice normal people who wear nice normal clothing. You, however, will be wearing the equivalent of long underwear under your street clothes 24 hours a day. Do you know how hot that can get? Try putting on a shirt and pants over that uniform. Layers suck in the summer. You cannot get away from it, because you need to be in uniform at a moment’s notice. Sure, some superheroes decide to just forgo the alter-ego and be in uniform all the time. They don’t get a single moment’s peace. Everyone needs something every minute of the day.

Are You Prepared to Trust No One?
Nobody but nobody is trustworthy. Your girlfriend? She’s been mind-controlled by your nemesis. Your parents? They have been infected with a toxic mind mold by the League of Doom. Your “best friend”? He’s turned to the dark side and become the Green Goblin. You can never really fully trust anyone. Maybe even the people teaching this course.

Think about it.

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Posted in coolness, lists

Christmas Music Purchases: 2011 Edition

I own a ton of Christmas music. I will not apologize for it. I used to have a page on the site that documented it all, with links to Amazon. Back when people used to care about me, my link was on page 1 of the Google results for Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack. THAT was how much I ruled the universe.

These days, people don’t need me to find that CD. But, I still have many many (many) fans sitting in their dark and dirty rooms, lit only with the light of a laptop monitor, the buzzing of traffic their only companions, wondering: “For baby Jesus’ sake, WHAT CHRISTMAS MUSIC DID JODY ADD TO HER COLLECTION THIS YEAR??!!”

I will only document complete albums, not individual songs, unless the individual songs are kick-ass. Actually, I’ve downloaded so much free stuff that I don’t know which individual songs are kick-ass yet. (Please, before time runs out, check out the Amazon MP3 site for their 25 free songs – maybe one of them will appeal to you?)

Albums/CDs I purchased this year, in no particular order:

  • Christmas Remixed: Holiday Classics Re-grooved
  • Christmas Cheer – Straight No Chaser
  • Cello Music For Christmas – The Christmas Cello
  • Merry Flippin’ Christmas Vol 1 and 2 – Bowling for Soup
  • This is Christmas – Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler

So the musical Christmas spirit is alive and well Chez Dump. Keep on singing!

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Posted in humor, lists

Items From My Current To-Do List

For those who want to be me, here’s a current to-do list to copy into your own palm pilot or hipster PDA.

  • Process 1700+ photos from 13: The Musical and upload them to maplebarnphoto.com for the nice parents of the nice children who entertained us this weekend
  • Put away the suitcase from my January trip to Florida
  • Decide which week in August to take a vacation
  • Check budget to see if you can afford August vacation
  •  Decide what to do during August vacation
  • Laundry, still and again
  • Write a poem about Jesus Toast
  • Wash the mound of bird shit off the car
  • Lose 50 pounds
  • Get a blood test
  • Throw out all the stuff that’s been in the freezer for more than a year. That would cover everything but the container of ice cream, some Thin Mints, and a package of frozen blueberries.
  • Face the fact that it’s
  • Start my next to-do list
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