Posted in humor, lists

Useless Writing Advice

I do not have the ability to give advice on being a better writer. I have the ability to give advice on just about anything and everything else, including how to choose a tomato (no skin flaws and it should smell like a tomato), but being  better writer? Well, I suppose I could try, if that’s what you’d like.

Expensive Equipment Helps Create Better Prose

I think this is a gimme. You need the most expensive writing equipment you can find. Take out loans. You need top of the line everything. There’s a pen for sale at the local mall for $10,000. You need that pen. Everything you write with that Bic you stole from a waitress is pure crap. Gerbils can’t even be bothered to shred the paper you write on with your less-than-10k pen. You’ll also need a top of the line Mac laptop, iPad and an iPhone 4. As for the latter, if it isn’t white, you should go turn in your MFA.

Live in a Home with a Real Working Fireplace

If you can’t simulate the working conditions of Charles Dickens or Emily Bronte, what hope do you have of ever convincing a soul that your writing is even passable? You need the sound of a crackling fire as background noise. You need to poke at the embers when you’re having a hard time trying to come up with a new way to describe the angst of the twenty-something. You should just stop writing and call a Realtor. Now.

Burn Candles that Smell Like Lemons

This is a controversial one. I know there are people who would argue with me on this, but you’ve come to me for useless writing advice, so you had best listen to me. Get some lemon-scented candles. You see, what these will do is to trigger strong memories of your mother/aunt/grandmother with the Lemon Pledge obsession and you will get some great material out of remember how much you hated that your mother/aunt/grandmother couldn’t cook/clean/express love. It’s great stuff!

Buy New Camera Equipment

I don’t know that it will really help your writing, but I’m trying to justify a few purchases I’ve made in the past year, so just indulge me, would you?

Get a Metric Ton of Sleep. Nap Like You Mean It.

I can’t say enough about naps and sleeping. I bought flannel sheets and I could live in my bed for the rest of my life. I could be Grandma Georgina, and we would start to wonder again how the four elderly people who never left the bed went to the bathroom after eating cabbage soup 3 meals a day. I promise not to eat cabbage, but I still will probably need to go to the bathroom. Some things can’t be helped.

I think this will help you write better. I won’t know, because I’ll be too busy sleeping to read your book.

Posted in lists

Saturday Around The Palace d’Jody

Greetings, my loyal subjects and people who wandered by because they were searching for dumptrucks on Google and thought this looked interesting. I have no dumptrucks for sale. I never did, and probably never will. I feel confident saying that, given that I’m a horrible salesperson. Now when I do eventually own that toystore/amusement park I’ve always wanted, maybe I will have some little toy dumptrucks on the shelf. I reserve the right to sell toy trucks – just not the big real ones.

It’s fifty degrees and raining here today. I left the Palace d’Jody earlier today to get the blood test I forgot to get last week, and I was wearing clothing that was ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE FOR THE WEATHER. It really isn’t short sleeved shirt and sandals weather. I came home, put on socks and a nice comfy sweater. It was like putting on a hug. A hug that makes me want to take a nap. A hug that you wish could get up and make lunch for you while you took that nap. Science should really get to work on this, stat.

I have things I could be doing right now. I could be going onto Netflix to adjust my queue. I received a copy of The House Bunny today, which is what reminded me that I’m the person responsible for making sure there are only good movies in my queue, and it’s my own damned fault that this movie was in my mailbox.

I have to go through my Disney photos from the April trip and put some of them online. I have a bunch of photos of the new Bay Lake Towers resort. I miss our room, with its view of the lake. Other than having a castle view from the Contemporary Tower, this may be my new favorite resort view I’ve ever had. While I do love the Savannah views at Animal Kingdom Lodge, it’s not the greatest view when there aren’t any animals.

I have to go grocery shopping, but that’s not even worth talking about. Because I don’t want to do it. I didn’t want to do laundry either, but that doesn’t require me to leave the house, so I already have a load sloshing around happily. If I thought I was going to have to IRON any of it, we’d be wearing disposable clothes right now. Another thing science should get working on.

Posted in humor, lists

Brainstorming New Hit TV Shows

I think Hollywood is just crying out for my ideas. Not that they have approached me in any way, unless they are getting caught up in my spam filter. That’s always possible. Hey, Hollywood, if you’ve emailed me and I didn’t get back to you, try sending me a @ reply on Twitter or something. I don’t mean to keep you waiting.

Here is the currently list of show ideas I’m ready to pitch to the first person willing to listen. Or you guys, because you didn’t know any better when you started to read. But remember, I posted these here first so no trying to steal my ideas to become big entertainment industry hot shots. That’s MY goal.

This is the list, in no particular order.

  • Bombbob Explodeypants – Kids love guys named Bob wearing pants of some sort, and they love explosions. This show would be like printing money.
  • My Peeps – A gang of completely identical marshmallow chicks share an apartment. Hilarity ensues when week after week we can’t tell the characters apart unless they are speaking.
  • Why Fie – Not a show about wireless internet access, this is a show that asks the question “Why do we need a worldwide governing organization for amateur Olympic fencing”?
  • Your Call Is Important to Us – Game show where ordinary people with everyday problems see who has to wait on hold the longest for a customer service rep. Bonus points are awarded when the contestants guesses match 
    • which company’s tech support line will be the least efficient
    • the exact numbers the caller must press to get into the correct queue for their problem, and
    • whether or not the person answering the phone will be able to handle the caller’s issue(s) without transferring the call to another rep.

Hollywood, I await your call.

Posted in coolness, humor, lists

Saint Jody Day

Some very good friends of mine declared today to be Saint Jody Day. (Back when I was still married, it was my wedding anniversary. This was a way to celebrate the day without focusing on not being married any more. Perfect!) Who am I to argue? I thought I should pass along info about the holiday in case you too want to celebrate. It doesn’t have to be a big flashy SJD celebration, mind you, but there are a few traditions which I am starting and should be followed by all celebrants.

1. The eating of the crispy bacon. This year, SJD falls on a Friday, so it is bacon day. But henceforth, every St. Jody’s Day shall be baconified.
2. The listening of 80s music. Oh yes. Every Karma Chameleon will Wang Chung tonight.
3. The wearing of the green pants. This is a toughie. This will weed out the wannabes. And yes, olive counts as green.
4. The accepting of offerings from the masses. You know, if there is a mass and it wants to offer something, I will accept it.
5. The writing with the purple pen. St. Jody only uses two types of mass-produced pen, both available at area retailers. Either the Pilot Precise V5, or the Pilot Easytouch (Harder to find in purple – I, however, have one.)

Go forth and have fun!

Posted in humor, lists, writing

Today’s Book Titles

Here is today’s list. You can’t have the first one, that one is mine.

The Adventures of Keychain and Neil
40 Ways to Prepare Cold Cereal
The Rat in the Hat
Helmet Hair: Spending Too Much Time Playing Halo
Even More Ways to Prepare Cold Cereal

p.s. I think I successfully removed the snippet of code that was automatically adding links to key words in the blog to Amazon products. Some of the links were too odd. So from now on, if there’s a link to an Amazon Product in an entry, I added it there myself.