The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Category: humor

Existential Sweater Crisis

Yesterday the people in my work group were invited to participate in an ugly Christmas sweater contest with a group sitting in our section of the building. Normally we have very little to do with these people, which is what happens in company with 40,000 employees. But clearly we have been identified as movers and shakers and people who enjoy embarrassing ourselves, so they reached out.

There’s a dress code policy in the office and one of the rewards we are given as a motivator is the ability to wear jeans on certain days. (I’d like to point out that while we are allowed to wear jeans, at no point are we ever allowed to wear sneakers. Some of us have worked around that ruled by finding brands of sneakers that don’t look like sneakers. I have become a person who went from wearing sneakers to work every day to not even wearing sneakers on weekends. Maybe that’s a sign of maturity. Maybe it’s a sign of laziness, because most of my shoes don’t require me to tie them.)

So when I heard that anyone participating in the ugly sweater contest would be allowed to wear jeans, I immediately started looking online for ugly Christmas sweaters. With only two weeks until Christmas, most of the “good” styles are sold out, or have had prices jacked up. Unfortunately given the time of year and the desperation someone like me feels, anything still available is priced at $40 or higher. I just can’t spend $40 on an ugly Christmas sweater. The prize would have to be cash of that amount or higher. I don’t think there’s a prize at all, just questionable bragging rights. You can get the following for sixty five dollars.

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There are some fantastic ugly Christmas sweaters out there. There are also a lot of ugly Christmas sweaters that feature reindeer having sex. I didn’t know that this was a thing, but apparently it is. Three reindeer having sex, two reindeer having sex. I don’t know if any of the sweaters with a single reindeer having sex, I wasn’t looking that closely.


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I decided spending $40 on an ugly Christmas sweater just so I could wear jeans on Tuesday is probably not a good use of my hard-earned cash. Last night I was going through my closet I found a sweater that some might consider a little ugly. The design on the sweater is very busy, and looks something like black and white snowflakes. I realized with horror that I could wear this sweater for ugly sweater day, and most people would agree that it was ugly.

Thus my existential sweater crisis. If I wear the sweater for Ugly Sweater Day, I can no longer wear that sweater for Not Ugly Sweater Day. On the other hand, if it fits in so nicely for ugly sweater day, it’s probably an ugly sweater. If I wear it a month from now, will people think, “wow that’s an ugly sweater.” More importantly, have I doomed it by even considering it for Tuesday?

I think the answer is clear. I need to wire that puppy up with blinking lights and appliqué snowmen and OWN Ugly Sweater Day. I’m going to do it for the children.

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Best sentence of 2013

Went out to Rockport yesterday with my boyfriend to do some browsing, and to visit his brother who owns a gorgeous bed-and-breakfast out there. Little did I anticipate hearing the greatest sentence uttered in 2013 to date.

He was telling us a story about working at the Holiday Inn in Syracuse, basically doing anything that needed doing for tips. Apparently in Syracuse in the 70s, the Holiday Inn was THE place to stay, a hotbed of activity for major and minor celebrities. There weren’t really many other places to stay if you were in the area, visiting the university, or performing.

The stories were great (I’m a huge fan of any kind of celebrity story) but this sentence, actually uttered to Bob Weir of the Grateful Dead, is better than anything I could’ve written.

“I know what it’s like to be famous; I’ve been mistaken for Mac Davis.”

You are welcome universe. Sharing this sentence is my Monday gift to you.

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St. Jody Day 2013

I posted a link to the original St. Jody Day post back in 2009 (the first official St. Jody Day) on Facebook and Twitter. It is here. Go catch up, and then come back.  I think in the 4 years since then, we have learned a few things and we should add more items to the list of ways to celebrate.

Therefore, on what would have been my 20th wedding anniversary if, say, I had remained married the last four years (oops) I declare an update to the St. Jody Day rules!

6. The wearing of the tiara. You don’t have a tiara? Well, there are malls all over the world. Most of them should have a tiara store. Look near the yacht store.
7. The plugging in of twinkle lights. Don’t have twinkle lights? And you call yourself my friend? I HOARD twinkle lights. But I’m not sharing. If you have a fake Christmas tree, put it up and turn it on. There is no excuse.
8. The faving and RTing of my work on Twitter. For goodness’ sake, people, why do I only have 425 followers? And why am I not more popular? On St. Jody Day, you’d better bust out the big guns and make me feel loved!
9. The slurping of mai tais and ice cream. My darling cousin Jacqui and her darling husband Ron helped me celebrate my first St. Jody Day by taking me to a chinese buffet, followed by ice cream at Kimball’s in Westford MA. Two mai tais during dinner guaranteed I would have to be carried to the window to order my ice cream. You may choose to limit yourself to one mai tai, but get an extra scoop on your cone.

Is that enough? Never, but I don’t want to overwhelm the newbies. I think this St. Jody Day will be legendary.

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Dick’s Last Resort Hattage

So to honor and respect me, my child and the spare made me go to Dick’s Last Resort at Fanueil Hall in Boston. The waitstaff verbally abuses you so it’s a lot like eating at home.

Here are the official hats they made us wear. A little too close to home, Mickey the Waiter!

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Avoid Emergencies!

My son left his phone at home today. I spotted it in the bathroom after he’d left for the bus, and I felt the cold dread on someone who would go fetal in the same situation.

He texted me with minutes from a friend’s phone as I was getting in the car and asked me to bring it to the high school.

“You don’t need it anyway.”
“I like to have it in case of emergency.”
“Use the phone in the office in case of emergency.”

Wise words followed, that I’d like him to live by every day:

“I’ll just be every careful to not cause or be in an emergency.”

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What Are You Looking For?

If you’re here from Twitter looking for pictures of things I’ve pooped, I don’t have that, you masher. Will you go away if I post a picture of something and tell you I pooped it? Okay, I pooped this. It hurt.

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What Amuses Me

Welcome to class, students of “What makes Jody laugh.” We will go deep into Rifftrax and MST3K
(“The Power of Mocking Humor”) but also the following:

  • Weird juxtapositions (signs, bad captions or the wrong video in news reports)
  • Funny foreign packaging (aka dollar store humor)
  • Theater of the Absurd (The Jerk, Arrested Development, Batman TV series, Daily Show rants or things like Bad Lip Reading http://youtu.be/Zce-QT7MGSE)
  • People getting caught in a lie that they have to go with to ridiculous lengths to support (IT Crowd – Roy getting stuck pretending he’s handicapped (http://youtu.be/BHwawAf0-Bc),
    Extras – Ricky Gervais being forced to lie about being in the cemetery to visit his dead mother (http://youtu.be/HLTeltR87vw starts at about 3:40)

There will be a quiz.

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Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Old Shoe

We saw this shoe, jammed under the stairs.
“How do you not notice that you’ve lost a shoe?” asked Jody Frank.

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Maybe I’ll Live Elsewhere

I was thinking it might be nice to have a house on a mountaintop, but then I would have to hire a guy to run the lift to get to my fancy palace.

Attitash Summit Skyride

Which wouldn’t be too bad except during the winter we’d have all these pesky people hanging around trying to ski down my front lawn.

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Tools For Improving My Whole Life

I found a thing on Amazon (and put it on my wishlist!) that is the one thing that I need to make everything in my life fall into place. It will make me healthier, prettier, make men fall in love with me on sight. It will improve my singing voice, my ability to cook chicken, and I’m pretty sure it would get me that Miss America Crown I’ve always wanted.

One thing it would really do well is help me write that book I’ve been meaning to write for the past 30 years. It would help get it published, too. And then it would help the book sell and make me a freaking boatload of money.

I’m of course talking about the Montegrappa Chaos Limited Edition 18K Gold Rollerball Pen.
The Limited Edition 18K Gold Rollerball Pen of my dreams!
 
(Click to view on Amazon)

I think what I like best about it is the fact that the pen comes with not one but two skulls. Sure, all that intricate detail might really irritate your hand after hours of writing with it. But isn’t that a small price to pay for an 18k Gold rollerball?

I feel I must issue a stern warning about this pen, though. The pen, while awesome, is not jewel-encrusted. I can’t think of a single thing that isn’t made better by jewel encrustation. This pen would be, that’s for damned sure.

BUT, I’m going to stick my neck out and still recommend this pen. It is a limited edition, and technically, you could probably attach your own diamonds to it. I mean, I think you should, actually. In fact, I insist upon it. After you order this pen for me, you should arrange to have your favorite jeweler attach diamonds. Maybe a ruby or two. Nothing too ostentatious, but something to add a little pop to the pen. Looking at it now, it’s almost too plain without the jewels. Maybe you should just save your $69,000 while I try to find something better. Or, hey, get this for me and I’ll use it to write you a thank you card.

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