I don’t plan to be a grandmother for quite a while, but at an MLM shampoo party tonight, I learned my friend’s sister-in-law is called “Bamma” by her grandkids and holy hell if that isn’t the best Grandma name ever! So I’m writing this here so I can find it later. My grandchild, who I assume will be a boy (because it’s like when you get a dog, whatever gender the dog is, you assume all dogs are that gender) is going to call me “Bamma Jody”. And we can all sing “She’s a Bad Mamma Jamma” at every family gathering. I’m going to totally rock my new name!
I get hooked on random things I see on television because of the endless amusement and riff-ability they bring to me. I become obsessed with them the way my nephew Peter was obsessed with videos of train wrecks. And this was back in the day when you had to search out and buy videotapes.
To bring everyone up to speed, in the last 4 year’s or so I’ve gone through obsessively (2 to sometimes 4 episodes a day) binge watching or rewatching the following for riffing and ironic amusement:
- The Love Boat
- Petticoat Junction (through the first two Billy-Jos)
- tiny house shows
- Anything on the ID channel
- Family Affair
- shows about buying super expensive RVs
My current TV obsession is Buying Yachts on a new channel I found: AWE. That’s supposed to stand for “A Wealth of Entertainment” but really, the only word you need to focus on is wealth. This is a network for rich people, featuring people I would assume applied for Real Housewives but didn’t make the cut. Ignore the fact that most of the shows are at least 4 years old, if not older. Who doesn’t want to watch “Buying Mega Mansions” for decorating ideas from a 30,000sf house selling for 72 million? And look at how easily you can create a “Selling Yachts” drinking game!
- He’s 20 years older than his wife
- She insists they buy the most expensive one
- Someone says ‘happy wife, happy life'” or
- They talk about how they can use it for chartering
- Jody yells ‘Nobody needs that!’ at the tv
I also am obsessed, to an amazing degree, with the farmersonlydotcom commercials. There is so so so so so much for me to mock or comment on, I keep wondering if the whole thing is an elaborate hoax.
- Are the commercials to get guys to sign up, or women to sign up? I have to assume there’s a shortage of males on the service, because nothing in the commercials is geared to entice women to sign up.
- All the single girls wear shorts or short skirts with cowboy boots
It is implied that only rural girls enjoy “country” things like fishing. City girls are vapid and are from the same casting pool as the wives on Selling Yachts. They are evil and shallow and to be avoided. (Smells a lot like the red state “real Americans” vs blue state “coastal elite” bullshit.)
- I don’t know what the “Only” in the name means: is it for farmers to meet other farmers? Are there enough single female farmers to balance supply and demand?
- They do have 3 commercials featuring couples who met on the service. God bless those healthy-sized imperfect yet perfectly lovely gals who represent they women who are REALLY signing up versus the models they portray as the available pool of single gals
- They introduced a buck-wild creep wizard to the ads, and I cannot figure out who thought this was a good idea. Probably the same guy who introduced talking horses.
As a special bonus today, here is a list of all the questions I ask every time I see the commercials. I have seen it a lot. Poor Tom. The commercial is the one with the bitchy girl who interrupts two farmers talking by suddenly appearing with a large chainsaw on her shoulder. She noisily kisses her boyfriend and continues out of the shot.
The commercial makes it seem like the two guys were all alone out on the back 40 talking about how one of them can’t meet girls (they stress “out here” and show a whole lot of empty land) when she just appears and blows through the scene.
- Where did she come from? They seem far afield, so wouldn’t she have had to take a truck or something to get there?
- Single guy seem a little startled to see her. Did he not see or hear her coming? Did she just materialize in front of them?
- Why did single guy act like he had no idea his buddy had a girlfriend? If they are so close, shouldn’t he have had an inkling?
- If she is a new girlfriend, why is she doing lord know what by herself on his farm? When I start dating a guy, I hardly ever show up at his place of work and just start doing shit with no direction from him.
- After the kiss, where did she go? We saw a view of the direction she was walking and there were NO trees. Or anything.
- Why does she sound so exasperated when she (off camera, mind you) answers the “where did you meet *her*?” question.
- Is she dressed appropriately to use that thing she’s carrying? You can’t always look hot and safely fell trees at the same time.
If anyone is thinking of posting “well-actually” corrections and clarifications, please resist the urge. I don’t really want them because I’m only here to amuse myself and others. You go write a rebuttal on your web page and post the link. Because if you ruin the only enjoyment I get out of commercials I am forced to watch a hundred times, I will send the lady from the Liberator Medical commercials to beat you with catheters.
Famous for my conversation spirals and related Wikipedia hopping, I present you with a reenactment (not verbatim) of tonight’s post-dinner conversation.
Me: I wish we had cake. Or really just frosting. Frosting is really all you really want. If you had frosting you could put it on bread and just call it cake.
Me: I’m sorry but I’m going to be giving you your pink slip. I have to let you go. You’re just not providing the level of service I require in this relationship.
Him: [Briefly glances at me]
Me: You haven’t provided what I need. To do a podcast. This relationship is doomed. [pause] I brought you here tonight so I could let you go in person. I wanted to allow you to buy dinner for me and my son one last time.
Him: You don’t want to keep me around to provide Mexican food?
Me: No. Because I can buy my own chalupas at Taco Bell.
Him: What is a chalupa?
Me: I… don’t know. It’s just a great word for a TacoBell product. Did they make it up? [Opens Wikipedia and reads the history of the chalupa]
Me: They say the one at Taco Bell is more like a Gordita. [Clicks link to read about gorditas.]
Me: Gordita means “chubby” in Spanish. Heh heh heh. ‘Do you have a chubby?’ Heh heh heh
Me: I need to learn more Spanish.
No-filter Jody announced her domain name to her coworkers, new boss, boss’s boss and HIS new boss at a team lunch. Because why not make them all call into question whether or not hiring the person behind The Big DumpTruck was a good idea. (I vote good idea, if anyone is asking me.)
I also promised them I’ll start posting more often, because that is actually on my to do list. Now that my Twitter and FB participation has gone down to a tenth of what it was, I’m going to need an outlet for all the thoughts currently cramping up the alpaca barn that houses my brain.
We’ve all been there before though, haven’t we?
The thing I, and many others, forget year after year is how rarely Christmas lives up to our expectations or memories. As adults we subconsciously expect Christmas to somehow be as wondrous as it was when we were young children, but that’s pretty unreasonable.
As adults, many work tirelessly to try to hit some picture perfect Christmas experience we think we’re supposed to give our families. Until we scale back our expectations, plans changing, illnesses, or other forces kicking in and controlling the holiday can be devastating.
If the Hallmark channel made realistic Christmas movies, they would mostly be people spending December 25th eating brownies over the sink, avoiding specific family members, or napping. Our best holiday moments may actually happen with friends and family in the weeks leading up to the 25th. THOSE are the holiday moments to treasure. December 25th is just the day you can finally relax because you made it through the season for another year and the pressure is off.
Take pleasure in being off work, watching anything you want, and eating things you might normally avoid. Leave the Christmas lights up until YOU don’t need or want them any more. My tree may come down, but I have candles and twinkle lights in my living room that I’ll light for a few more weeks, because *I* want that.
If you are having a bad or mediocre Christmas: you aren’t alone. And if you had a great one, that’s worth treasuring. Maybe use this as a reminder that any year could be the one where you wonder where things went wrong. If you do some advance planning to account for the expected or unexpected, you can spend December 25th spoiling yourself. And that can make all the difference to surviving the season.
Hugs to one and all. I raise my glass of eggnog to each of you. Excuse me while I finish this brownie.