Posted in Brain Dump, humor, lists, Real Life, stuff, TV

Only Farmers, You Wealthy Urban Scoundrel

I get hooked on random things I see on television because of the endless amusement and riff-ability they bring to me. I become obsessed with them the way my nephew Peter was obsessed with videos of train wrecks. And this was back in the day when you had to search out and buy videotapes.

To bring everyone up to speed, in the last 4 year’s or so I’ve gone through obsessively (2 to sometimes 4 episodes a day) binge watching or rewatching the following for riffing and ironic amusement:

  • The Love Boat
  • Newhart
  • Petticoat Junction (through the first two Billy-Jos)
  • tiny house shows
  • Anything on the ID channel
  • Family Affair
  • shows about buying super expensive RVs

My current TV obsession is Buying Yachts on a new channel I found: AWE. That’s supposed to stand for “A Wealth of Entertainment” but really, the only word you need to focus on is wealth. This is a network for rich people, featuring people I would assume applied for Real Housewives but didn’t make the cut. Ignore the fact that most of the shows are at least 4 years old, if not older. Who doesn’t want to watch “Buying Mega Mansions” for decorating ideas from a 30,000sf house selling for 72 million? And look at how easily you can create a “Selling Yachts” drinking game!

  • He’s 20 years older than his wife
  • She insists they buy the most expensive one
  • Someone says ‘happy wife, happy life'” or
  • They talk about how they can use it for chartering
  • Jody yells ‘Nobody needs that!’ at the tv

I also am obsessed, to an amazing degree, with the farmersonlydotcom commercials. There is so so so so so much for me to mock or comment on, I keep wondering if the whole thing is an elaborate hoax.

  • Are the commercials to get guys to sign up, or women to sign up? I have to assume there’s a shortage of males on the service, because nothing in the commercials is geared to entice women to sign up.
  • All the single girls wear shorts or short skirts with cowboy boots
    It is implied that only rural girls enjoy “country” things like fishing. City girls are vapid and are from the same casting pool as the wives on Selling Yachts. They are evil and shallow and to be avoided. (Smells a lot like the red state “real Americans” vs blue state “coastal elite” bullshit.)
  • I don’t know what the “Only” in the name means: is it for farmers to meet other farmers? Are there enough single female farmers to balance supply and demand?
  • They do have 3 commercials featuring couples who met on the service. God bless those healthy-sized imperfect yet perfectly lovely gals who represent they women who are REALLY signing up versus the models they portray as the available pool of single gals
  • They introduced a buck-wild creep wizard to the ads, and I cannot figure out who thought this was a good idea. Probably the same guy who introduced talking horses.
Evil Wizard still from commercial
Please, Satan’s minion, do you have any dating advice?

As a special bonus today, here is a list of all the questions I ask every time I see the commercials. I have seen it a lot. Poor Tom. The commercial is the one with the bitchy girl who interrupts two farmers talking by suddenly appearing with a large chainsaw on her shoulder. She noisily kisses her boyfriend and continues out of the shot.

The commercial makes it seem like the two guys were all alone out on the back 40 talking about how one of them can’t meet girls (they stress “out here” and show a whole lot of empty land) when she just appears and blows through the scene.

  • Where did she come from? They seem far afield, so wouldn’t she have had to take a truck or something to get there?
  • Single guy seem a little startled to see her. Did he not see or hear her coming? Did she just materialize in front of them?
  • Why did single guy act like he had no idea his buddy had a girlfriend? If they are so close, shouldn’t he have had an inkling?
  • If she is a new girlfriend, why is she doing lord know what by herself on his farm? When I start dating a guy, I hardly ever show up at his place of work and just start doing shit with no direction from him.
  • After the kiss, where did she go? We saw a view of the direction she was walking and there were NO trees. Or anything.
  • Why does she sound so exasperated when she (off camera, mind you) answers the “where did you meet *her*?” question.
  • Is she dressed appropriately to use that thing she’s carrying? You can’t always look hot and safely fell trees at the same time.

If anyone is thinking of posting “well-actually” corrections and clarifications, please resist the urge. I don’t really want them because I’m only here to amuse myself and others. You go write a rebuttal on your web page and post the link. Because if you ruin the only enjoyment I get out of commercials I am forced to watch a hundred times, I will send the lady from the Liberator Medical commercials to beat you with catheters.

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Posted in complaint department

Why the “Local” Paper is a Joke

Our local paper, the Sentinel and Enterprise Sucks. Well, not for Fitchburg, just for Leominster. There is a bias against Leominster that just about anyone you talk to has noticed. A shame since they were the ones who bought out the Leominster Enterprise all those years ago to create a ” Twin Cities”-focused paper. Not any more.

WHY do they hate Leominster? Who knows. The storms the other night caused a fire in Leominster, but you wouldn’t know that from reading the Sentinel’s website. I saw the story on Bostonchannel.com, and it appeared to be just up the street from my house. So yes, of course I’m interested. That storm was big local news! Even when it was being covered on television, the focus was on Leominster, not Fitchburg, because of the path of the storm. So maybe some feelings got hurt? (Trust me, next time there’s a horrible storm, Fitchburg can keep it.)

Thinking they needed an extra day to get the story, I went to their web site today. Nothing about the fire, but they DO have the following top story: Russia Probes Parasailing Donkey Stunt. Please note, dear readers, that this story is covered on the “Local” section of the paper.

Fitchburg Sentinel, this is why you suck and I will not even miss you when you’re gone.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Tylenol, Take Me Away

I have a headache right now, and it won’t go away. I don’t believe it’s anything that will kill me, so that’s good. I don’t have time to die right now. I have lots of things to do and to see. One of the the things I need to see is the office in my rear view mirror. [ba-dum-bum]

I put seventy dollars worth of gas in my car today. And I am actually nervous about it lasting until next week. This weekend we will be keeping any and all road trips to a minimum, I can tell you that. It had literally been years since I’ve had to worry about buying gas. I don’t like to have to worry about it. I can definitely see the appeal of buying one of those very fuel-efficient little micro machines – at one point in time my 22mpg sounded pretty decent to me, for a mini van, but now I want at least twice that. But I’m not in a position to buy a car right at the moment, not when mine is running well, etc. etc.

Sorry, I shouldn’t bitch. There are people dying in cyclones, earthquakes, crane collapses, train accidents and the like. That would be worse than paying $4 a gallon for gas.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Okay, Show of Hands

How many of you completely missed yesterday’s change to The White Rhino Preservation Society News? Huh? Three of you? And nobody said anything? I give and I give and I give, and what do I get? Everyone is too busy clicking “I feel lucky” on Google Calendar.

I should just start talking about rhinos all the time.

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Posted in humor

No Hot Water

Hellish morning! First I don’t want to wake up but the stupid birds (I hate them with a white hot fire that consumes my soul) are back. I guess I need to figure out how to borrow a shotgun again. Oh, and then? No hot water.

And after all that, I go down stairs and the entire first floor is missing. I have no idea if the dog buried it in the back yard or what.

I hate April Fool’s Day.

🙂

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