Tag: funny

Posted in humor

My Eye Twitch Prevents Me From Looking Fabulous

Posted on by Jody

I bought a scarf at Target. I mean, Cole Haan. Right, that’s what I meant. So anyway, I like my Ta…Cole Hahn scarf because it makes me look all artsy and stuff. I think if you saw me you would say “there goes a gal who has song in her heart and half a book on her laptop.” You might be wrong on both counts, but I won’t correct you. You’re allowed to exaggerate about me.

But then, you look a little closer. Okay, and a little closer. Dude, personal space! Okay, and that’s when you notice my right eye is twitching. I fear you will see this, and immediately think of Herbert Lom as Chief Inspector Dreyfus in the Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies. You know what I mean. If you don’t, go order one on Netflix and come back here when you’re done watching it. I’ll wait.

I think the eye twitch is keeping me from full fabulousness. I do plan to retire to the boudoir early this evening (the boy woke me up at 6:45 ON A SATURDAY!!! because he was having some stomach issues. “Mummy needs her beauty sleep, precious!”) Once there, I will try harness the power of my awesomeness for good, not evil.

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Posted in coolness, humor, lists

Saint Jody Day

Posted on by Jody

Some very good friends of mine declared today to be Saint Jody Day. (Back when I was still married, it was my wedding anniversary. This was a way to celebrate the day without focusing on not being married any more. Perfect!) Who am I to argue? I thought I should pass along info about the holiday in case you too want to celebrate. It doesn’t have to be a big flashy SJD celebration, mind you, but there are a few traditions which I am starting and should be followed by all celebrants.

1. The eating of the crispy bacon. This year, SJD falls on a Friday, so it is bacon day. But henceforth, every St. Jody’s Day shall be baconified.
2. The listening of 80s music. Oh yes. Every Karma Chameleon will Wang Chung tonight.
3. The wearing of the green pants. This is a toughie. This will weed out the wannabes. And yes, olive counts as green.
4. The accepting of offerings from the masses. You know, if there is a mass and it wants to offer something, I will accept it.
5. The writing with the purple pen. St. Jody only uses two types of mass-produced pen, both available at area retailers. Either the Pilot Precise V5, or the Pilot Easytouch (Harder to find in purple – I, however, have one.)

Go forth and have fun!

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Posted in Uncategorized

My $150,000 Wardrobe

Posted on by Jody

I don’t know why everyone is harassing Sarah Palin about her $150,000 wardrobe enhancement. I mean, what’s the big deal? That’s about average in 2008, isn’t it? I know that I still have $25,000 left to spend on my $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, but I’m feeling pretty good about the $125,000 I’ve spent. I mean, like Sarah, I have a lot of public appearances that I have to make. I appear in public pretty much daily.

My most recent purchase was a heavy-duty pull-over fleece top that I bought at the Blue Heron tent sale a week and a half ago. I got it for ten dollars. I mean, ten thousand dollars (*cough*) which is what the receipt I sent to the GOP said.

Really, what it comes down to is pantsuits and makeup that is not available in the cosmetics aisle of Target. That’s really where the bulk of the enhancement budget went. I will look fabu in my new pantsuits as I meet “real Americans”. And the makeup will transform me into a movie star. That’s what it’s all about, right? When I’m at the self-serve gas station, people will offer to pump my gas for me. Because they will look at my pantsuits and know that I’m somebody to worship.

Everything I own now, by the way, is encrusted in Swarovski crystals. That’s what makes the difference between being dressed and being enhanced. When people see my glittery pants, tops and underwear, they will be excited to even be near me, and declare the money well spent. No more store-brand pants for me, I’m SOMEBODY NOW!

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