Posted in humor, Real Life

Existential Sweater Crisis

Yesterday the people in my work group were invited to participate in an ugly Christmas sweater contest with a group sitting in our section of the building. Normally we have very little to do with these people, which is what happens in company with 40,000 employees. But clearly we have been identified as movers and shakers and people who enjoy embarrassing ourselves, so they reached out.

There’s a dress code policy in the office and one of the rewards we are given as a motivator is the ability to wear jeans on certain days. (I’d like to point out that while we are allowed to wear jeans, at no point are we ever allowed to wear sneakers. Some of us have worked around that ruled by finding brands of sneakers that don’t look like sneakers. I have become a person who went from wearing sneakers to work every day to not even wearing sneakers on weekends. Maybe that’s a sign of maturity. Maybe it’s a sign of laziness, because most of my shoes don’t require me to tie them.)

So when I heard that anyone participating in the ugly sweater contest would be allowed to wear jeans, I immediately started looking online for ugly Christmas sweaters. With only two weeks until Christmas, most of the “good” styles are sold out, or have had prices jacked up. Unfortunately given the time of year and the desperation someone like me feels, anything still available is priced at $40 or higher. I just can’t spend $40 on an ugly Christmas sweater. The prize would have to be cash of that amount or higher. I don’t think there’s a prize at all, just questionable bragging rights. You can get the following for sixty five dollars.

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There are some fantastic ugly Christmas sweaters out there. There are also a lot of ugly Christmas sweaters that feature reindeer having sex. I didn’t know that this was a thing, but apparently it is. Three reindeer having sex, two reindeer having sex. I don’t know if any of the sweaters with a single reindeer having sex, I wasn’t looking that closely.


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I decided spending $40 on an ugly Christmas sweater just so I could wear jeans on Tuesday is probably not a good use of my hard-earned cash. Last night I was going through my closet I found a sweater that some might consider a little ugly. The design on the sweater is very busy, and looks something like black and white snowflakes. I realized with horror that I could wear this sweater for ugly sweater day, and most people would agree that it was ugly.

Thus my existential sweater crisis. If I wear the sweater for Ugly Sweater Day, I can no longer wear that sweater for Not Ugly Sweater Day. On the other hand, if it fits in so nicely for ugly sweater day, it’s probably an ugly sweater. If I wear it a month from now, will people think, “wow that’s an ugly sweater.” More importantly, have I doomed it by even considering it for Tuesday?

I think the answer is clear. I need to wire that puppy up with blinking lights and appliqué snowmen and OWN Ugly Sweater Day. I’m going to do it for the children.

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My Xmas Music Recommendation for 2009

I used to have a reputation of being a collector of Christmas Music. I think it was a lot easy to be such a thing when you had to buy entire albums, cassettes or CDs of Christmas music. It’s much too easy now to just buy one or two songs today.

I did buy an entire CD via MP3 Purchase on Amazon last week, and that is going to be my 2009 recommendation for you. If Trans-Siberian Orchestra toned it down about 2 notches and didn’t have any vocal tracks, you’d get the Arctic Express CD “A Christmas Rock Experience.”

Some of the reviewers called it the love child of Trans-Siberian Orchestra and Mannheim Steamroller but I don’t want to turn people off because they dislike one or the other. It really is just rock and roll Christmas music. Listen to the samples, and if you’re like me, you’ll just pony up the $6 to download the CD. PLEASE NOTE: There are apparently two versions of this CD up on both Amazon and iTunes. On both sites, one is about half the price of the other. I have no idea why this is, other than that the album has a slightly different name and track ORDER, but the same tracks. I have linked to the cheaper version on Amazon. My gift to you. Disclosure: If you do buy it from Amazon and you use the link above, I think I get a dime or two. If you use the link above and buy other things, I get a few more dimes. I like dimes.

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Getting Ready for the Holidays

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl this year. I have put up with a lot of doo-doo and doo-doo heads and still get up in the morning and face the day. I haven’t let the crushing weight of reality grind me into the dirt. I maintain a gorgeous facade of “normal” like nobody’s business.

So, then, here are the things I think I deserve. I know you normally just accept letters from kids, but I figured you might have room for one or two things for me, as you will be handing out a stack of IOUs for those Zhu-Zhu Pets hamsters, seeing as they are out of stock all over the place. (I have 3 real gerbils so I’m good on that front. Although the dog might like a fake hamster it would probably destroy it in 5 minutes.)

This year (well, next year) I have some personal goals I’m setting, and I may need a little help with that. I think my big present from you could be some kind of exercise equipment. I don’t have any in the house, but I do have one of those body composition scales and I swear to God, it told me that aside from my bones I am completely made of butter. It was scary. And then I ate a donut.

So I need something easy to use and maybe something that will go and lift me off the couch and carry me to it and do half the work for me. Do you have something like that? I think if you don’t have that, an elliptical trainer would be a good second choice. I bought some really cute workout pants so all I need is a reason to wear them.

Maybe that’s a little heavy for your bag, even with all the empty space where the toy hamsters should have gone. Camera equipment (lenses, flash, etc.) don’t take up nearly as much room. Or a gift card to Amazon to buy lenses, flashes, etc. are a good bet. Or jewelry. Jewelry is small, right? You wouldn’t even have to put it in your bag, you could keep it in your pocket.

I’m really all about whatever makes this easiest for you, Santa. (See, that ought to take me off the naughty list for a long, long time!)

Love,

Jody

p.s. I won’t leave a fire burning this year. Again, I want to make this easy for you.

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So Who Amongst You Shall Buy Me One of These?

I’ll let you all get together and make the decision as a group. I wouldn’t want to receive multiple copies. So I added one to my amazon wish list so that if someone does buy it the rest of you will know because it won’t be listed there any more.

I told Mr. Dump that I was going to try to be good this year and not buy any Dept. 56 houses (which I suspect he thought was a nice try on my part, but did not believe me). And then, I was searching for one of the houses on Google and unfortunately clicked a link to a site that showed me this:

[Click the link to see a larger picture of the item in all its glory!] As you can see, there is no way I will be able to live a long and happy life without this house. I’m almost depressed because I don’t have it yet, and I’ve known about it since this morning!

I’ll let you all go meet now, so you can decide who will get to buy it. Don’t worry, I won’t peek. Oh, and if you get one for yourself, because you are a fan of the Big DumpTruck, do let us know, okay?

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Merry Christmas to All

I am full of roast beast (thanks to Mr. Dump and JP for picking out a lovely cut of beast, and Mr. Dump for seasoning it and putting it in the oven). I could use a nap, because someone who shall remain nameless refused to sleep in this morning. *sigh*

I would write more, but I’m trying to move a bunch of images over to my new photo frame (I never thought I’d want one of those until I just started thinking about it. And because all the pictures I have at work are old and it’s just way too much effort to print some to take in to work to replace in my frames. Now I just replace the files in my frames! Brilliant!

Oh, so you are probably wondering what I did on the days leading up to today (which, by the way, is a let down compared to the wonderfulness of the days leading up to today). Well, Junior and I spent 2 days building the Lego Christmas train that I got on sale. It arrived on Saturday, and we built it most of the day Saturday and finished it yesterday. It’s a really fantastic train, but doing a thousand piece puzzle trying to find the pieces. We used every bowl/container we had to put the pieces in. You get a dozen bags of Legos, but the bags aren’t broken down by train car. So you put everything in bowls so you can paw through it. But I think the final product is worth the effort.

Lego Train Parts

The Finished Lego Train

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