I get hooked on random things I see on television because of the endless amusement and riff-ability they bring to me. I become obsessed with them the way my nephew Peter was obsessed with videos of train wrecks. And this was back in the day when you had to search out and buy videotapes.
To bring everyone up to speed, in the last 4 year’s or so I’ve gone through obsessively (2 to sometimes 4 episodes a day) binge watching or rewatching the following for riffing and ironic amusement:
The Love Boat
Petticoat Junction (through the first two Billy-Jos)
tiny house shows
Anything on the ID channel
shows about buying super expensive RVs
My current TV obsession is Buying Yachts on a new channel I found: AWE. That’s supposed to stand for “A Wealth of Entertainment” but really, the only word you need to focus on is wealth. This is a network for rich people, featuring people I would assume applied for Real Housewives but didn’t make the cut. Ignore the fact that most of the shows are at least 4 years old, if not older. Who doesn’t want to watch “Buying Mega Mansions” for decorating ideas from a 30,000sf house selling for 72 million? And look at how easily you can create a “Selling Yachts” drinking game!
He’s 20 years older than his wife
She insists they buy the most expensive one
Someone says ‘happy wife, happy life'” or
They talk about how they can use it for chartering
Jody yells ‘Nobody needs that!’ at the tv
I also am obsessed, to an amazing degree, with the farmersonlydotcom commercials. There is so so so so so much for me to mock or comment on, I keep wondering if the whole thing is an elaborate hoax.
Are the commercials to get guys to sign up, or women to sign up? I have to assume there’s a shortage of males on the service, because nothing in the commercials is geared to entice women to sign up.
All the single girls wear shorts or short skirts with cowboy boots
It is implied that only rural girls enjoy “country” things like fishing. City girls are vapid and are from the same casting pool as the wives on Selling Yachts. They are evil and shallow and to be avoided. (Smells a lot like the red state “real Americans” vs blue state “coastal elite” bullshit.)
I don’t know what the “Only” in the name means: is it for farmers to meet other farmers? Are there enough single female farmers to balance supply and demand?
They do have 3 commercials featuring couples who met on the service. God bless those healthy-sized imperfect yet perfectly lovely gals who represent they women who are REALLY signing up versus the models they portray as the available pool of single gals
They introduced a buck-wild creep wizard to the ads, and I cannot figure out who thought this was a good idea. Probably the same guy who introduced talking horses.
As a special bonus today, here is a list of all the questions I ask every time I see the commercials. I have seen it a lot. Poor Tom. The commercial is the one with the bitchy girl who interrupts two farmers talking by suddenly appearing with a large chainsaw on her shoulder. She noisily kisses her boyfriend and continues out of the shot.
The commercial makes it seem like the two guys were all alone out on the back 40 talking about how one of them can’t meet girls (they stress “out here” and show a whole lot of empty land) when she just appears and blows through the scene.
Where did she come from? They seem far afield, so wouldn’t she have had to take a truck or something to get there?
Single guy seem a little startled to see her. Did he not see or hear her coming? Did she just materialize in front of them?
Why did single guy act like he had no idea his buddy had a girlfriend? If they are so close, shouldn’t he have had an inkling?
If she is a new girlfriend, why is she doing lord know what by herself on his farm? When I start dating a guy, I hardly ever show up at his place of work and just start doing shit with no direction from him.
After the kiss, where did she go? We saw a view of the direction she was walking and there were NO trees. Or anything.
Why does she sound so exasperated when she (off camera, mind you) answers the “where did you meet *her*?” question.
Is she dressed appropriately to use that thing she’s carrying? You can’t always look hot and safely fell trees at the same time.
If anyone is thinking of posting “well-actually” corrections and clarifications, please resist the urge. I don’t really want them because I’m only here to amuse myself and others. You go write a rebuttal on your web page and post the link. Because if you ruin the only enjoyment I get out of commercials I am forced to watch a hundred times, I will send the lady from the Liberator Medical commercials to beat you with catheters.
I hate to admit how many episodes of The Love Boat I’ve watched. But it’s a LOT of them. I think my favorite part is the gritty realism. But if you can get past the danger and intrigue and look deeper, you’ll see the pure nonsense that is my favorite reason to watch the show. Here are my some of my favorite things to ponder, in no particular order.
Why is the gift shop so small? I’ve seen bigger gift shops in a Ramada. This is the spot where passengers can buy anything they forgot to pack and various episode that happened to have shot inside show a ton of jewelry and some dress shirts. if you need a watch, they have them. sunscreen and magazines? I’m not so sure.
Vicki is Captain Stubing’s biological daughter but he had to adopt her for some reason. I haven’t seen that episode. So Vickie is on the boat from the time she’s 12. Unlike The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, there isn’t a school on board. I’ve never heard mention of homeschooling, so I guess she’s a University of Phoenix alum.
Vickie worked as Julie’s assistant from an early age, which I assume was an unpaid role because she was only 13. Between her “studies” and assisting Julie in whatever it is she does (see below) Vicki can, uh, swim? a cruise ship is probably an awful place to be an indentured servant.
Why does everyone buy a piñata (or a tiny chair) when the go ashore? You just watch the extras in every episode as the disembark at the end of the cruise.
Captain Stubing doesn’t really drive the boat. he’s never on the bridge unless someone swings by to talk to him and then that conversation gets his FULL attention. I guess there’s another officer who does the heavy lifting, but he/she is faceless and names less. Aside from the main characters, the only other staff we see are engineers, maids, and waitresses in the Pirates’ Cove Lounge (not to be confused with the Acapulco Lounge) dressed like pirates.
Is it really possible to meet someone, fall in love and get engaged on a 3-day Mexican cruise? Apparently true love means never needing more than a long weekend to get to know each other.
Julie my cruise director spent a lot of time walking around chatting and not a lot of cruise directing. Gopher and Doc don’t do much more, but at least Doc once did surgery in his tiny office, and diagnosed a guy with ALS and another with cancer. Doesn’t she have parties and events to plan and oversee? She must be good at her job because once she threw together a pirate party and suddenly all the passengers had costumes. She did accidentally hire a male stripper once thinking he was a regular dancer. Attention to detail much, Miss McCoy?
Isaac is the clear winner of the “Most Valuable Employee” award. He appears to work 18 hours a day and isn’t constantly falling for the passengers unless they are Diahann Carroll. Isaac should be calling to complain to HR about how much more he works than Everyone else. While Doc, Julie and Gopher are hogging seats at the captain’s table sitting *closest* to the captain (what the hell? isn’t that for VIPs?) he’s been seen doing bartender things on the side of the dining room. I’d be mad as hell if I were him.
Would the captain and key staff of a ship that does three-day jaunts to Mexico be asked to all take over a ship with a European trip? They arrive at the ship basically the day before they sail, which doesn’t leave much time to learn enough to help passengers. Or steer the ship. Or get a license to practice medicine in a foreign country. Isaac will be fine, though, because he’s awesome.
Quick disclaimer: I haven’t watched Dora in years. I haven’t ever watched the spin-off Go, Diego Go. Or whatever it’s called. But I used to watch Dora. My niece was obsessed, and in fact, one year she insisted I needed a Dora cake for my birthday. Which I did. I also didn’t do research to see if these plot holes were address (or raised) on other websites. This is actually a re-creation of a conversation between my son his friend (both middle-schoolers, represented below as “Boy” because I can’t remember who said what) and me at dinner last night.
[The conversation begins with one of them asking why people say Mazel Tov, which segued into asking what Cinco de Mayo means. Which segued into a question about the Day of the Dead, which featured a comment that Dora the Explorer had a show about going to Mexico for the Day of the Dead. Or something.]
Boy: Dora lives somewhere in South America.
Me: I don’t think so. Pretty sure she’s American.
Boy: She hangs out with a Monkey, so she must live near a jungle.
Me: She doesn’t live in South America.
Boy: She’s from Mexico, originally, but she came over the border and her fox followed her.
Me: It’s not “her” fox. And no. He doesn’t even have an accent. What about the monkey?
Boy: She took it with her.
Me: You can’t just bring a Monkey into this country like that. It’s against the law. You can’t just go through a border check with a monkey and not get stopped.
Boy: She did. Where else would she get a monkey?
Boy: I still don’t think she lives in America.
Me: I’m just concerned that Boots will eventually chew her face off. I don’t think monkeys make good pets.
I think Hollywood is just crying out for my ideas. Not that they have approached me in any way, unless they are getting caught up in my spam filter. That’s always possible. Hey, Hollywood, if you’ve emailed me and I didn’t get back to you, try sending me a @ reply on Twitter or something. I don’t mean to keep you waiting.
Here is the currently list of show ideas I’m ready to pitch to the first person willing to listen. Or you guys, because you didn’t know any better when you started to read. But remember, I posted these here first so no trying to steal my ideas to become big entertainment industry hot shots. That’s MY goal.
This is the list, in no particular order.
Bombbob Explodeypants – Kids love guys named Bob wearing pants of some sort, and they love explosions. This show would be like printing money.
My Peeps – A gang of completely identical marshmallow chicks share an apartment. Hilarity ensues when week after week we can’t tell the characters apart unless they are speaking.
Why Fie – Not a show about wireless internet access, this is a show that asks the question “Why do we need a worldwide governing organization for amateur Olympic fencing”?
Your Call Is Important to Us – Game show where ordinary people with everyday problems see who has to wait on hold the longest for a customer service rep. Bonus points are awarded when the contestants guesses match
which company’s tech support line will be the least efficient
the exact numbers the caller must press to get into the correct queue for their problem, and
whether or not the person answering the phone will be able to handle the caller’s issue(s) without transferring the call to another rep.
Apparently, the people from The Biggest Loser are doing a casting call in Boston in early March (details are here: http://www.thebiggestlosercasting.com/). I saw this, and my first and only thought was No Freaking Way.
Yes, I have a lot of weight to lose before I’m happy. Yes, it would be awesome to have $250k. No, it would SUCK BEYOND WORDS to subject myself to having the world look at my fat ass on television. Never mind the whole world; I’m sure there are people in Kansas who I would never meet in real life so it wouldn’t be an issue. But I cannot even fathom putting myself out there to be watched by my coworkers. How could I ever face them again?
“Hey, Jody, great episode of you collapsing in a heap yelling “Ow! Ow! I have a stitch in my side! OW!” 20 seconds after you starting running in last night’s episode.”
Um, ya, and hey, how did you guys like the way every cell in my body jiggled for the camera!?
No no no. I’m losing weight right now, at a reasonable 1-2 pounds a week (down around 13.5 right now) and the only person who is watching is ME, and that’s hard enough. I’m old enough that I may never wear a 2-piece bathing suit again, even if I got down to an unlikely 130 pounds. Putting on something similar to be paraded around on television? Um, I’d need the $250k up-front, thanks.