Posted in coolness, humor, lists, writing

So You Want To Be a Superhero

Welcome to lesson one of the self-paced training session “So You Want To Be a Superhero”. This course consists of 25 lessons, which should be completed in numbered order. You should never attempt to jump to Lesson 15, Stopping a Moving Vehicle with Your Feet” until after you complete Lesson 5, “Verifying Your Personal Strength Limits” and Lesson 9, “Are You Invincible?”

WE CANNOT STRESS HIGHLY ENOUGH THAT SKIPPING LESSONS MAY CAUSE BLISTERING, HEARING LOSS AND/OR DEATH.

Also, lesson-skippers will be blacklisted at the Justice League of America and superhero employment opportunities will simply not be available to you.

Lesson 1: Introduction to Superheroing

Many people who sign up for this class are under the mistaken impression that just about anyone can be a superhero. Nothing could be further from the truth. Not everyone can be a superhero. Some people can’t even be heroes without proper adult supervision.

Here are some questions we would like you to consider before you continue on with your lessons:

Am I Likable?
While not a requirement, it really does help you run your superhero empire if people naturally like you. If you are hateable, people will question your motives, and are likely to try to sue you for the damage you’ll do in the line of duty. Put a whole in a building to stop bank robbers and a likable hero will get a medal. An unlikable one will get a bill for repairs.

 What is My Motivation?
Did bad guys do you wrong? Are you trying to avenge something? Or are you taking this class because you hate math and thought it would be a good way to get on television? Being a superhero is not easy. You’re never fully off duty. You want to go on vacation to the Grand Canyon? You’ll probably spend your time there preventing some villain from trying to fill it with quick-drying cement.

How will I look in Spandex?
This question should not be ignored. Superheroes are attention magnets. You will receive lots of press exposure, and looking good is part of the gig. Nobody wants to be rescued by a guy with a beer belly stretching the limits of his uniform. Are you willing to commit to do the work it takes to keep the spandex lump-free?

 Do You Overheat Easily?
How do you handle warm weather? Do you sweat a lot, get a red face and just generally feel miserable when you get warm? Go get a refund on this course right now. Almost all superheros have alter-egos to hide their true identity. Those alter-egos are nice normal people who wear nice normal clothing. You, however, will be wearing the equivalent of long underwear under your street clothes 24 hours a day. Do you know how hot that can get? Try putting on a shirt and pants over that uniform. Layers suck in the summer. You cannot get away from it, because you need to be in uniform at a moment’s notice. Sure, some superheroes decide to just forgo the alter-ego and be in uniform all the time. They don’t get a single moment’s peace. Everyone needs something every minute of the day.

Are You Prepared to Trust No One?
Nobody but nobody is trustworthy. Your girlfriend? She’s been mind-controlled by your nemesis. Your parents? They have been infected with a toxic mind mold by the League of Doom. Your “best friend”? He’s turned to the dark side and become the Green Goblin. You can never really fully trust anyone. Maybe even the people teaching this course.

Think about it.

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Posted in humor, Open Letters

Response to Your Fan Letter

Hey there, Fan!

It was a real thrill receiving your fan letter! As you can imagine, there are days when I get a lot of fan letters, and it is hard to write back to anyone personally because I have that Psychosomatic Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, which is aggravated by actions like responding personally to all my fan mail.

I always thought it would be fun to receive giant bags of mail like you’d see on the Monkees, but it turns out that I haven’t hit that level of fame and fortune yet, so your letter arrived with the normal mail. Kohls is having a 3-day sale and I’m invited, so I should try to hurry up and finish this note so I can go look for my car keys. I normally keep them on the counter but I don’t see them there, and they aren’t in the bathroom so they could be anywhere. Maybe in my purse. Or perhaps still in the car.

Anyhoo.

I hope you don’t mind that I’m sending out a generic response that addresses most of the standard questions and comments that I receive from my many many fans on a nearly regular basis. I apologize if your question or comment is not directly reflected upon in this reply. If it helps, you can replace some of the key terms in this response with something more appropriate for your initial communication. For example, if I say “I like popcorn too!” but your fan letter mentioned cake, you may replace “popcorn” with “cake”. However, if your fan letter discussed most vegetables, you may want to replace popcorn with “food” because that’s a true statement, where “I like brussel sprouts too!” is not.

Hey! I’m so glad you wrote to me! I was sitting around, wondering which wall would be best for putting up another mirror, when the mail arrived. So many questions and comments from a person such as yourself! I do enjoy being me. I think I’m really good at it, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to be me. I don’t think I’ll be in your town any time soon unless you actually live near me, in which case, “cool!”

My favorite crayon color is orange. My favorite fruit? Blueberries. I drive a red car but I have never been stopped for speeding. I do like pets and yours is just swell! Unless your pet has gone to the Rainbow Bridge, in which case I’m very sorry to hear about it. [Why are you writing me a fan letter about your dead pet?]

I do like pizza and roses and funny movies. No, I will not go on a date with you; I’m not that kind of girl/I don’t even know you/I have cooties. I do not dress like a hobo, that’s a pretty insulting thing to say for a “fan!” I’m starting to think I don’t have anything more to say to you unless you were going to offer me a book deal or some kind of maid service, in which case, keep ’em coming!

Very sincerely yours,

The Object of Your Admiration

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Posted in Uncategorized

Oh Lord, I’m Lazy

I’m typing this on my bed. Downstairs, gerbil Suzy is on her wheel, and the wheel is squeaking. But I don’t want to go downstairs to take the wheel out because
a) I don’t want to get out of bed
b) I don’t want to go downstairs
c) I don’t want to have to wash my hands after taking out the wheel.

I wonder if it would be a bad thing to wake up Junior and make him do it. Maybe if I used a stern mom voice he wouldn’t question my sanity. Out loud.

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Posted in Uncategorized

What If I’m Attacked By Wasps?

I tried my son’s shampoo today. It’s kid’s shampoo – watermelon “flavored”. I thought it might be a good idea because, well, it was 6 o’clock in the morning and that’s the kind of decision I make without coffee.

It was sweet smelling. Not so much like watermelon as just sugary watermelon syrup smell. I started to think about it – putting sugar on my head might not be a good idea. What if I get attacked by wasps today? I mean, have you ever seen them around a soda can? My head is like a giant invitation!

Now I’m going to have to wear a bag over my head to keep the wasps away. Suave really should have put that warning on the side of the bottle.

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