Posted in humor

I Didn’t Order an iPad

I know there are people out there who assume I would be a pre-order kind of gal with this one, but I didn’t. For one thing, I just don’t have that kind of cash lying around the Mansion. I mean, moat maintenance isn’t cheap, people. And the psychic killer dolphins that live in the moat have to eat. And they eat a LOT. More than I expected when I went ahead and had them created in the lab. I think it would have been more cost-effective to go with something, let’s say, “traditional” but you know me. I’m not like that.

So you kids with your fancy big flat Apple products will just have to not gloat more than usual around me, as I try to decide if I should by one or put the helicoptor landing pad on the roof. These are important decisions that should not be taken lightly.

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Sometimes, It Really Knows Me

I am on the computer bright and early to look at my checking account balance, which will determine what I can and cannot do this weekend. Except my Mac doesn’t seem to want to open the budget spreadsheet. That’s so cute, it doesn’t want me to get all upset!

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Okay, Fame and Fortune, I’m Ready

I declare 2009 The Year That Jody Has Enough Money to Buy Things and Go on Vacations She Totally Doesn’t Need. That’s right, I’m saying that 2009 needs to be “the year of excess cash”. So, contact me offline and I’ll give you my mailing address so the checks can start coming. It’s not tax deductible, but really, should that make a difference? Think about me, Jody. I don’t own a single pair of cowboy boots. I have never slept in a castle. Seasonal window treatments don’t just buy themselves, my friends. Any leftover cash (HA! HAHA!) will be used to pay down credit card debt. Or to buy a different pair of eyeglass frames for each day of the week.

Thank you for supporting The Year That Jody Has Enough Money.

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I Am Available to Take Bribes

I know you are probably figuring that with my recent $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, I’m probably doing pretty well in the cash department. Well, sure, I have $150,000 in enhancements, but you can’t take a pair of shoes down to Chilis for a dish of queso, now, can you? I didn’t think so.

So in the fine tradition of Massachusetts politicians, I am willing to stuff my bra full of any bribe money you want to give me. I’m not exactly sure what you’d be bribing me to do (or not do) but let us not focus on that. Let us focus on the fact that I think the best way for you to provide me with the bribe money is in anything larger than a ten dollar bill. I mean, really, ones? Do I look like a lap dancer to you?

Oh, and by the way, if you are going to take photos of me taking the cash and sticking it in my bra, can you make sure you use a flattering camera angle? The whole “under the table” thing really accents areas of my being that we should probably all just ignore.

Thank you for your bribe. It was a pleasure *cough* doing business with you.

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