The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Tag: money

I Didn’t Order an iPad

I know there are people out there who assume I would be a pre-order kind of gal with this one, but I didn’t. For one thing, I just don’t have that kind of cash lying around the Mansion. I mean, moat maintenance isn’t cheap, people. And the psychic killer dolphins that live in the moat have to eat. And they eat a LOT. More than I expected when I went ahead and had them created in the lab. I think it would have been more cost-effective to go with something, let’s say, “traditional” but you know me. I’m not like that.

So you kids with your fancy big flat Apple products will just have to not gloat more than usual around me, as I try to decide if I should by one or put the helicoptor landing pad on the roof. These are important decisions that should not be taken lightly.

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Sometimes, It Really Knows Me

I am on the computer bright and early to look at my checking account balance, which will determine what I can and cannot do this weekend. Except my Mac doesn’t seem to want to open the budget spreadsheet. That’s so cute, it doesn’t want me to get all upset!

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Okay, Fame and Fortune, I’m Ready

I declare 2009 The Year That Jody Has Enough Money to Buy Things and Go on Vacations She Totally Doesn’t Need. That’s right, I’m saying that 2009 needs to be “the year of excess cash”. So, contact me offline and I’ll give you my mailing address so the checks can start coming. It’s not tax deductible, but really, should that make a difference? Think about me, Jody. I don’t own a single pair of cowboy boots. I have never slept in a castle. Seasonal window treatments don’t just buy themselves, my friends. Any leftover cash (HA! HAHA!) will be used to pay down credit card debt. Or to buy a different pair of eyeglass frames for each day of the week.

Thank you for supporting The Year That Jody Has Enough Money.

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I Am Available to Take Bribes

I know you are probably figuring that with my recent $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, I’m probably doing pretty well in the cash department. Well, sure, I have $150,000 in enhancements, but you can’t take a pair of shoes down to Chilis for a dish of queso, now, can you? I didn’t think so.

So in the fine tradition of Massachusetts politicians, I am willing to stuff my bra full of any bribe money you want to give me. I’m not exactly sure what you’d be bribing me to do (or not do) but let us not focus on that. Let us focus on the fact that I think the best way for you to provide me with the bribe money is in anything larger than a ten dollar bill. I mean, really, ones? Do I look like a lap dancer to you?

Oh, and by the way, if you are going to take photos of me taking the cash and sticking it in my bra, can you make sure you use a flattering camera angle? The whole “under the table” thing really accents areas of my being that we should probably all just ignore.

Thank you for your bribe. It was a pleasure *cough* doing business with you.

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My $150,000 Wardrobe

I don’t know why everyone is harassing Sarah Palin about her $150,000 wardrobe enhancement. I mean, what’s the big deal? That’s about average in 2008, isn’t it? I know that I still have $25,000 left to spend on my $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, but I’m feeling pretty good about the $125,000 I’ve spent. I mean, like Sarah, I have a lot of public appearances that I have to make. I appear in public pretty much daily.

My most recent purchase was a heavy-duty pull-over fleece top that I bought at the Blue Heron tent sale a week and a half ago. I got it for ten dollars. I mean, ten thousand dollars (*cough*) which is what the receipt I sent to the GOP said.

Really, what it comes down to is pantsuits and makeup that is not available in the cosmetics aisle of Target. That’s really where the bulk of the enhancement budget went. I will look fabu in my new pantsuits as I meet “real Americans”. And the makeup will transform me into a movie star. That’s what it’s all about, right? When I’m at the self-serve gas station, people will offer to pump my gas for me. Because they will look at my pantsuits and know that I’m somebody to worship.

Everything I own now, by the way, is encrusted in Swarovski crystals. That’s what makes the difference between being dressed and being enhanced. When people see my glittery pants, tops and underwear, they will be excited to even be near me, and declare the money well spent. No more store-brand pants for me, I’m SOMEBODY NOW!

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Request for Journalists

We get it. Every day, gas his a new high, be it in barrels or at the gas station down the street. It’s no longer news, it’s more a persistent buzzing in our ears.

Howzabout this: You report when it hits a new LOW instead. That will be something we all want to hear.

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Unintentional Downtime

I didn’t realize you guys were bigdumptruck-less for a chunk of the weekend until I got my daily traffic report email and it said that my hits were about a third of what they normally are, making me think there was some sort of problem. Apparently, there was some sort of problem. Luckily, it appears the hosting company found their plunger and released my website, and it is now available again.

I just got paid four days ago and I’m already counting the minutes until next payday. For those of you keeping track, I only get paid once a month. It SUCKS OUT LOUD. I hate it. I’m no good with getting paid once a month. I had to set aside a chunk of change for getting the furnace fixed out of this one and there’s just no cheese money left. I suppose I shouldn’t be complaining about a lack of cheese money when some people can’t buy groceries or pay rent, but dang it, I strongly dislike not being able to spend $10 on myself without feeling very guilty.

And on that topic, we were going to look for a nice rubbish container for the kitchen, and we were at Lowe’s and the cheapest one was $79. The one we liked was $99. Hello?! A hundred bucks for a trash bin? And it isn’t even one of the “survives a nuclear blast” kind that you want to buy for putting out at the curb. This is just a bin with a foot pedal for the kitchen. I could buy a grill for less money than the trash can!

Needless to say, we do not have a hundred dollar trash bin this morning.

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I want my tax refund, can I have it?

We filed our taxes about a million years ago. Or maybe it was a week ago. Anyway, we are due for a refund and I would really like for them to pay me because I have some bills that aren’t going to pay themselves, doncha know! Plus Mr. Dump’s vehicle was making a $386 noise. When he took it to find out what the problem was and get an estimate…oops, we fixed it without calling you to tell you how much it was going to be. That’s so not cool. I won’t name the place because I really like them, and the work they do, but this was a big stinkball to have to pay it today.

Also, for those of you in the Leominster area, we popped in to the Blue Marlin for lunch. You have GOT TO SEE THIS PLACE! The decor is beyond excellent. I’m not even going to spoil it for you, but you have to go. I know, it looks ultra swanky from the outside, but the menu is definitely not. Heck, I could have gotten a hot dog for lunch. Or dinner (because the menu is the same). Go go go and then come back and tell me what you think of the place. (p.s. I can highly recommend the clam strips.) Everything is freshly prepared on-site except for some of the desserts, which they get from Auntie Ellen’s Creative Confections next door. Oh, by the way, we popped in there to check it out. Take your wallet and GO. We took the triple chocolate mouse and the bananas foster cheesecake home with us, and we couldn’t decide which was better.

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Something I Don’t Have

I keep hearing these radio commercials for a company where you can send “your unwanted gold jewelry” and they will pay you for it. So many, many things wrong with this. Where to begin?

Okay, first off, who has unwanted gold jewelry? Even the stuff I don’t love I will hang on to, because, well, it’s gold jewelry. Really, let’s just be honest and say the target audience is people who are very hard up for money and happen to have some that they can sell. Or worst case (and you know this is happening) some little crackhead is stealing from grandma’s jewelry box for drug money.

Now gold has value, and given the quality of it, you can bring it to many jewelers who will weigh the gold and tell you what it’s worth. Some of them will even buy it from you (maybe not for full value – I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been selling my jewelry). And you can go to a pawn shop for the same thing. In both of those cases, you are right there in front of someone making the transaction. At what point do you figure you’ll put three necklaces in an envelope, send it to the radio company, and they’ll pay you for 2 necklaces? They say that all shipments are insured, but how does that work? How can you prove that you sent three? Does the person at the UPS store have to sign something as a witness?

I’m sorry, but does anyone really think that sending something in the mail to the company name advertised on the radio isn’t going to be noticed by anyone handling the envelope? There are dishonest people everywhere. Anyone who has ever heard the commercial is going to know there is gold in the package. I’d say the chances of you getting ripped off (by any definition of the phrase) is pretty high.

So let’s solve that problem. If you have unwanted gold jewelry, you send it to me, and I’ll send you back an autographed photo of me and my dog. Because the autographed photo is priceless, you will definitely be making a good decision to unload all that “unwanted” jewelry in my direction. Oh, and if you have unwanted diamonds or sapphires, I will throw in a 2 minute phone call to your cell phone. I am so giving.

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This Is Not a Good Way to Make a Living

Just got a note from Amazon that I didn’t make enough money from referrals to get a payment this month. I’ve gotten the same message for the past several months. The big problem with that is that the minimum threshold to get a payment is only ten dollars. Ten bucks! Wow, it appears nobody is using the old DumpTruck to drive to the Amazon mall. And nothing from the other clickable ads that are over there on the right that I’m not allowed to talk about for fear the company in question will send me to Six Flags to have my feet cut off. And I beg you, do NOT go over there and start clicking because the sudden upswing in traffic will probably set off some kind of alarm that I picture being akin to the ones in the cooling towers of a nuclear power plant. Don’t harsh my mojo by clicking or they will kick my butt out of the program. But say, in a week or two, if something comes up that looks interesting (and by interesting, I mean something that you really and truly are interested in learning more about or purchasing) by all means. That’s what it’s there for. I will throw in a few key words to make it interesting. Gumballs. Sandals. Beach weather. Inflatables. Home brewed Beer. (Wow, that would make for a heck of a party, eh?)

So maybe I should come up with some other methods of making money by doing nothing. Possible options include

  • Wearing only clothing that has the logo of your company on it.
  • Using self-tanner but blocking out the name of your company on one leg, your URL on the other. Subtle, yet sophisticated.
  • Using your company’s website as a template for the BDT so people will be confused and think they are on your site. I haven’t worked out all the kinks on this one so maybe you should just pay me to self tan.

Other ideas?

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