Posted in Brain Dump, humor, lists, Real Life, stuff, TV

Only Farmers, You Wealthy Urban Scoundrel

I get hooked on random things I see on television because of the endless amusement and riff-ability they bring to me. I become obsessed with them the way my nephew Peter was obsessed with videos of train wrecks. And this was back in the day when you had to search out and buy videotapes.

To bring everyone up to speed, in the last 4 year’s or so I’ve gone through obsessively (2 to sometimes 4 episodes a day) binge watching or rewatching the following for riffing and ironic amusement:

  • The Love Boat
  • Newhart
  • Petticoat Junction (through the first two Billy-Jos)
  • tiny house shows
  • Anything on the ID channel
  • Family Affair
  • shows about buying super expensive RVs

My current TV obsession is Buying Yachts on a new channel I found: AWE. That’s supposed to stand for “A Wealth of Entertainment” but really, the only word you need to focus on is wealth. This is a network for rich people, featuring people I would assume applied for Real Housewives but didn’t make the cut. Ignore the fact that most of the shows are at least 4 years old, if not older. Who doesn’t want to watch “Buying Mega Mansions” for decorating ideas from a 30,000sf house selling for 72 million? And look at how easily you can create a “Selling Yachts” drinking game!

  • He’s 20 years older than his wife
  • She insists they buy the most expensive one
  • Someone says ‘happy wife, happy life'” or
  • They talk about how they can use it for chartering
  • Jody yells ‘Nobody needs that!’ at the tv

I also am obsessed, to an amazing degree, with the farmersonlydotcom commercials. There is so so so so so much for me to mock or comment on, I keep wondering if the whole thing is an elaborate hoax.

  • Are the commercials to get guys to sign up, or women to sign up? I have to assume there’s a shortage of males on the service, because nothing in the commercials is geared to entice women to sign up.
  • All the single girls wear shorts or short skirts with cowboy boots
    It is implied that only rural girls enjoy “country” things like fishing. City girls are vapid and are from the same casting pool as the wives on Selling Yachts. They are evil and shallow and to be avoided. (Smells a lot like the red state “real Americans” vs blue state “coastal elite” bullshit.)
  • I don’t know what the “Only” in the name means: is it for farmers to meet other farmers? Are there enough single female farmers to balance supply and demand?
  • They do have 3 commercials featuring couples who met on the service. God bless those healthy-sized imperfect yet perfectly lovely gals who represent they women who are REALLY signing up versus the models they portray as the available pool of single gals
  • They introduced a buck-wild creep wizard to the ads, and I cannot figure out who thought this was a good idea. Probably the same guy who introduced talking horses.
Evil Wizard still from commercial
Please, Satan’s minion, do you have any dating advice?

As a special bonus today, here is a list of all the questions I ask every time I see the commercials. I have seen it a lot. Poor Tom. The commercial is the one with the bitchy girl who interrupts two farmers talking by suddenly appearing with a large chainsaw on her shoulder. She noisily kisses her boyfriend and continues out of the shot.

The commercial makes it seem like the two guys were all alone out on the back 40 talking about how one of them can’t meet girls (they stress “out here” and show a whole lot of empty land) when she just appears and blows through the scene.

  • Where did she come from? They seem far afield, so wouldn’t she have had to take a truck or something to get there?
  • Single guy seem a little startled to see her. Did he not see or hear her coming? Did she just materialize in front of them?
  • Why did single guy act like he had no idea his buddy had a girlfriend? If they are so close, shouldn’t he have had an inkling?
  • If she is a new girlfriend, why is she doing lord know what by herself on his farm? When I start dating a guy, I hardly ever show up at his place of work and just start doing shit with no direction from him.
  • After the kiss, where did she go? We saw a view of the direction she was walking and there were NO trees. Or anything.
  • Why does she sound so exasperated when she (off camera, mind you) answers the “where did you meet *her*?” question.
  • Is she dressed appropriately to use that thing she’s carrying? You can’t always look hot and safely fell trees at the same time.

If anyone is thinking of posting “well-actually” corrections and clarifications, please resist the urge. I don’t really want them because I’m only here to amuse myself and others. You go write a rebuttal on your web page and post the link. Because if you ruin the only enjoyment I get out of commercials I am forced to watch a hundred times, I will send the lady from the Liberator Medical commercials to beat you with catheters.

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Posted in coolness, Real Life, Shopping

Sports Bottle Winner

As we all continue to embrace the world of reusable water bottles and travel mugs, I wanted to take a few moments to share my continued wonder and amazement at the Corkcicle line of products. Previously documented here as my pick for best travel mug, I now own one of their sports bottles, and have a review for you. I provide this service for free, for people who place “keeping things cold” high on their criteria for this kind of product.

I should state up-front I don’t use this bottle for sports, even though it is a sports bottle. That said, should some sports break out around me, I will be prepared to hydrate. Last night when I was rushing to get home, I tossed the Not-empty bottle into a desk drawer instead of emptying it first. The screw top would prevent issues.

Yesterday I opened the bottle at 1pm, 20-21 hours after the last time I filled it, and IT STILL HAD ICE IN IT. I am a Corkcicle believer, with multiple travel mugs that are so good at keeping coffee hot I have to add an ice cube if I want to drink it on my entire 50 minute commute.

I bought mine at The Paper Store for $27, and Amazon has them for around the same price with discounts.  If you live near a Paper Store, they regularly have 50% off coupons in their catalogs.

Corkcicle
My Water Bottle (get your own!)
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Games I Would Invent

I ran across an IOS game today that struck me as being exactly the kind of game I would make up if I were writing a story/play/script and I had to include a video game.

Virtual Beggar is a game where you are a beggar who can work your way up off the streets. Or possibly guess not, if you aren’t very good at virtual begging for handouts.

Virtual Beggar by Treetop Crew Ky,

Hey, maybe you guys can give me money to write a story that would include a game like this one so I won’t spend all my spare time simulating begging! Best of all worlds!

In the meantime, I did download the game because I assumed you would want me to. It requires very little human interaction, if you don’t want to actively “play”. I can set all my employees to work and most will earn coins for at least an hour. I don’t know what the endgame is, but in the meantime it’s actually kind of engaging and also I have hired Santa as one of my employees in the office building I bought with the money I earned begging. That’s right. I’m a real estate tycoon business beggar!

I live in a house now. I stand on my lawn with my hamster (people give more when you have a pet) and people, like a pantsless Mexican man, throw money at me.

So would I recommend this game? Sure, it’s free, and I can pull out my phone, put all my employees to work with a couple of clicks, and close the app while they make me a pile of coins. If only I could figure out how to enjoy this type of wild success with no startup costs in real life.

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Posted in Brain Dump, humor, Real Life

Jody’s Brain on Queso

Famous for my conversation spirals and related Wikipedia hopping, I present you with a reenactment (not verbatim) of tonight’s post-dinner conversation.


Me: I wish we had cake. Or really just frosting. Frosting is really all you really want. If you had frosting you could put it on bread and just call it cake.

Him: …

Me: I’m sorry but I’m going to be giving you your pink slip. I have to let you go. You’re just not providing the level of service I require in this relationship.

Him: [Briefly glances at me]

Me: You haven’t provided what I need. To do a podcast. This relationship is doomed. [pause] I brought you here tonight so I could let you go in person. I wanted to allow you to buy dinner for me and my son one last time.

Him: You don’t want to keep me around to provide Mexican food?

Me: No. Because I can buy my own chalupas at Taco Bell.

Him: What is a chalupa?

Me: I… don’t know. It’s just a great word for a TacoBell product. Did they make it up? [Opens Wikipedia and reads the history of the chalupa]

Me: They say the one at Taco Bell is more like a Gordita. [Clicks link to read about gorditas.]

Me: Gordita means “chubby” in Spanish. Heh heh heh. ‘Do you have a chubby?’ Heh heh heh

Him: …

Me: I need to learn more Spanish.

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Posted in Brain Dump, Real Life, writing

Hello Co-Workers

No-filter Jody announced her domain name to her coworkers, new boss, boss’s boss and HIS new boss at a team lunch. Because why not make them all call into question whether or not hiring the person behind The Big DumpTruck was a good idea. (I vote good idea, if anyone is asking me.)

I also promised them I’ll start posting more often, because that is actually on my to do list. Now that my Twitter and FB participation has gone down to a tenth of what it was, I’m going to need an outlet for all the thoughts currently cramping up the alpaca barn that houses my brain.

We’ve all been there before though, haven’t we?

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