The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Getting Ready for the Holidays

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl this year. I have put up with a lot of doo-doo and doo-doo heads and still get up in the morning and face the day. I haven’t let the crushing weight of reality grind me into the dirt. I maintain a gorgeous facade of “normal” like nobody’s business.

So, then, here are the things I think I deserve. I know you normally just accept letters from kids, but I figured you might have room for one or two things for me, as you will be handing out a stack of IOUs for those Zhu-Zhu Pets hamsters, seeing as they are out of stock all over the place. (I have 3 real gerbils so I’m good on that front. Although the dog might like a fake hamster it would probably destroy it in 5 minutes.)

This year (well, next year) I have some personal goals I’m setting, and I may need a little help with that. I think my big present from you could be some kind of exercise equipment. I don’t have any in the house, but I do have one of those body composition scales and I swear to God, it told me that aside from my bones I am completely made of butter. It was scary. And then I ate a donut.

So I need something easy to use and maybe something that will go and lift me off the couch and carry me to it and do half the work for me. Do you have something like that? I think if you don’t have that, an elliptical trainer would be a good second choice. I bought some really cute workout pants so all I need is a reason to wear them.

Maybe that’s a little heavy for your bag, even with all the empty space where the toy hamsters should have gone. Camera equipment (lenses, flash, etc.) don’t take up nearly as much room. Or a gift card to Amazon to buy lenses, flashes, etc. are a good bet. Or jewelry. Jewelry is small, right? You wouldn’t even have to put it in your bag, you could keep it in your pocket.

I’m really all about whatever makes this easiest for you, Santa. (See, that ought to take me off the naughty list for a long, long time!)

Love,

Jody

p.s. I won’t leave a fire burning this year. Again, I want to make this easy for you.

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You Are My Sunshine

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope the Stuffing Fairy gives you the big smackdown this year, you all deserve it, each and every one of you. Yes, even you, lady who was driving 30 in a 40 this morning and causing me irreparable stress damage. Oh, I certainly do think it’s great that you didn’t have to go to work today! You’re so lucky! I know, taking your car for a stroll is a GRAND thing to do at 7:30 in the morning. Don’t mind me, I’ll just have my front bumper jammed up your tail pipe.

Anyway, my foot fell asleep, and now the rest of me is all jealous. I’m going to go tuck myself in. You stay beautiful, you hear?

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Festival of Lights

I am sad to announce that I will not be able to decorate my house to the level that I would like to this holiday season. I would like to cover the house with so many lights that you can see it from space. Sure, the neighbors might not like it, but really, who can stay angry at twinkly lights? Nobody, that’s who!

I don’t own enough lights to accomplish my dream, nor do I have the manpower available to me to do it. I guess it will have to wait until after I become rich and famous. And have a lot more energy to do stuff like this.

I also pulled out the two shrubs that I normally put lights on every year. That seemed like a good idea until I realized I can’t put lights out on these shrubs any more because they aren’t there any more. Huh.

So last year, during the January “everything 75% off” sale at Target I bought a little fiber optic tree. Last week I tracked it down so we could see how tall it was. Not tall enough to use as our only tree, not by a long shot. But of course, now that it’s set up, I think I’ll leave it, just so I have a little something to make me happy. And here it is:

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NaNoWriMo 2009

7000 words in, I finally have a plot. Or at least a purpose. And characters. The full plot will probably not reveal itself until the end of the month, meaning I’ll have a lot more work to do to get it into a finished state. Which, based on history, I will never do. I’m writing about my kid, his friend, and his cousins. It is fiction, I swear. My niece does not own a store that only sells cups and saucers. She’s 9 – owning a store like that is years in her future.

I don’t know why I keep doing NaNoWriMo, but I’m at the point where I almost have to do it, or I’ll feel bad about it. So I give up a few hours of my November, no big deal, right?

So while I’m working on this, please send snacks.

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Building 19 Used Car Salesmen Supplies

On the off chance that you are looking for the “perfect” super ugly jacket to complete that zombie used car salesman costume you’ve been working on, Building 19 has a rack of some of the ugliest jackets I’ve seen in 30 years. Attached is a photo of my son modeling the “blue and peach striped 100% polyester” special. There is some major ugly on this rack (and the sign actually says “ugly jackets” for Halloween). Five bucks each, no questions asked. (We bought two. The red and black polyester hounds tooth makes my eyes water.)

Super Ugly Jacket on Cute Model

Full disclosure: We went in there to look for a suit for my son’s magician costume. He wanted a tux, I said I wasn’t buying him one. On the “real” suit rack, right at the end, would you believe they had a “former rental” tux jacket with satin lapels for $20, and behind that a table with tux shirts (!) for $5? And the thing fits him like he was fitted for it. This place is better than the Salvation Army!

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Zombie Party!

I really wish I had written a zombie novel. If I had, you would all want to read it because it’s the week before Halloween and that’s gotta be the busiest week for zombie novel reading, right? Maybe if I get started on it right now I would have it finished so that you could all read it. I would make a kindle edition for you, because I know that you are some kind of crazy technology addict. And for the people I don’t like, I will just mimeograph a copy for you, but not give it to you until after they don’t smell good any more.

That will teach you.

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Shot Time

I get a flu shot tomorrow, but not the piggy or the swan flu shot. This is just regular old, “nobody cares about me because I don’t have a cool name and make the papers” flu shot. I am just hoping to get through the day and maybe not have any side effects from the flu shot. Like, say, the flu.

I was in a room today with a woman who sounded like she had gargled with Cup ‘O Virus. Thanks SO MUCH for being such a dedicated employee, and for entering the little piece of heaven that was the windowless and airless computer lab I was housed in. We all appreciated those noises you were making with your sinuses and your throat.

So if I DO get sick, I’m going to assume it was because of her, and not because of the flu shot. Unless it would get me more time off to say it was from the shot, in which case it most certainly was.

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Weathergirl Jody

When I left work today, I looked up at the sky and the sun was hidden behind a kind of misty fog. Normally that means “snow is coming” but I said to myself “well, that’s not possible so I guess I’m not as good a weathergirl as I thought.” But then I just read that it’s snowing in CT and headed this way. So suck on that, Accuweather! I predicted it without fancy computer equipment!

Wait.

Snow. In October.

Why am I happy about this?

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Family Friendly Comedy Contains Suckage

I have Sirius radio in my car. It came ‘free’ with the new car (unless you think spending tens of thousands of dollars on the car should be considered part of the price of satellite radio) and I adore it. I really love just a handful of stations, but I love them so deeply that I’ll probably consider paying real cash money to keep the service when my six months are up.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a huge Opie and Anthony fan. I used to listed to Howard when he was free and on WBCN. We’re talking ages ago, around the time his movie came out. I’ve been listening to O&A since they took over Howard’s slot on BCN. However, I like them so much more that I actually bought and paid for the little Sirius app for my iPhone to listen to them. So that’s what I listen to on my commute these days, but that station goes OFF whenever the kid is in the car.

We were listening to on of my other stations when a commercial came on for “family-friendly” comedy on channel 105. Okay, that’s cool, we love comedy! But oh my word, most of it is just painful and unfunny. And I’ve now heard the same long boring monologue about glass being liquid twice in the same week. I thought I was listening to NPR. It was painful. I wanted to drive into a tree to make it stop.

They have lots of southern comics, and Christian comics, and olde tyme comedy bits. One of the great pleasures of this station turns out to be Mitch Hedberg and Stephen Wright – God bless them for having clean material. Of course, all this does it make me angry that Mitch is dead and I won’t be able to hear any more of his absolutely brilliant work.

But anyway, back to the family-friendly Laugh USA channel. We heard two monologues today on the way home from lunch. Finally, Junior turns to us and says “Can’t we listen to the channel with the swears so that we’ll hear something funny?” Amen, little man. Another couple of years and I won’t even hesitate. But why is it to hard for this channel to find funny material that can be played in the car with a 6th grader?

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AHT FOR SALE!

I’m starting to post more photos to my photography website, Photo-Gnome.net. All photos on that site are actually for sale! You can order prints of anything on the site. If I see that I’m selling anything, maybe I’ll pay for the upgrade at SmugMug so that I can actually make money off each sale.

This is a picture I took on the way to work this week. I’ve been driving up to Merrimack NH every day, and I take back roads through Lunenburg MA. I spotted this barn on Monday and knew I had to take my camera with me.

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