J: So, Lawn Gnome, are you ready for fall?

Lawn Gnome: As ready as I ever am. It’s not always a fun time of year, but at least it’s better than winter.

J: You’re not a fan?

LG: Well, you stand outside buried in snow for three months and tell me how fun it is.

J: Um, no thanks.

LG: And let us not forget the year they put a little Santa hat on me. Man oh man, that chapped my hide.

J: So no Santa hats, then?

LG: And for God’s sake if you were thinking of draping me with Christmas lights, I will find a way to hurt you. I don’t know how or when, but I will find a way.

J: You’re a lot angrier than I expected. You have such a happy little face.

LG: It’s my gargoyle lineage. I’ve got my dad’s looks, but my mom’s personality.

J: Do you find one is better than the other? Gargoyles vs. Gnomes, I mean.

LG: Oh God yes. Gargoyles have a reputation of being much, much cooler. The whole Goth thing. Cher filled catalogs with them. My uncle was a model for a wall sconce she featured in a spring catalog. And don’t forget Disney put a couple of Gargoyle characters in the Hunchback movie. Really upped their street cred with the kids. I mean really, what do you think of when you think of lawn gnomes?

J: Uhhhh…

LG: No, go ahead, you can’t hurt my feelings.

J: Well, old people. Trailer parks.

LG: Exactly. Old people and trailer parks. As opposed to castles and the world’s greatest cathedrals. I rest my case. They get stained glass windows to look at, and I get the ass end of a bendover.

J: Yikes.

LG: Exactly. You can see why I’m such a happy guy.

J: Well, you look happy. I guess now we all know better.

LG: You don’t know the half of it.

J: Thank you, Lawn Gnome.

DP: It’s back to school time again, and the Daily Probe is delighted to be able to talk with a Campus Queen lunch box! I’m so excited, I’m practically hyperventilating!

CQL: Oh, my!

DP: You were my first and only metal lunch box as a child.

CQL: I’m so honored! Did I do a good job?

DP: Absolutely! I didn’t often bring lunch to school, but whenever I used a lunch box, you were it!

CQL: I’m just happy to have helped out.

DP: We played the game on the back all the time.

CQL: What was your favorite square?

DP: Can you turn a little so I can see your back? Okay, it was probably a tie between “Earn $10 babysitting. Go to movies” or the square where you get to go steady.

CQL: Always popular. That one sent you to the dress shop.

DP: So what have you been up to for the past 37 years?

CQL: I spend a lot of time over at eBay, modeling for auctions featuring myself. As you may know, really the highlight of my career was starring in Cyndi Lauper’s Time After Time video. Her boyfriend gives me to her, and I am one of the few possessions strapped to her back when she leaves.

DP: I called all my friends to tell them my lunch box was featured in the video!

CQL: Cyndi was great to work with. I never felt like I was “just a prop” to her. I really felt like she respected me and what I brought to the video. Most people completely dismiss lunch boxes.

DP: I guess I hadn’t given it much thought.

CQL: One of my pet causes is lunch box rights. We just want to get the word out that we deserve a little dignity. If you spill something in us, clean it up! And for goodness sake, stop using us to hit other kids on the bus.

DP: Something we should all think about. So where do you go from here?

CQL: Actually, I’m on my way to a luncheon organized by the Lone Ranger lunch box. He does this annually at the beginning of the school year.

DP: Catered?

CQL: No, silly, bring your own!

DP: Thank you Dial Complete Antibacterial Foaming Hand Wash, for taking the time to talk with us today.

Dial Complete Antibacterial Foaming Hand Wash: No Problem. Call me DCAFHW.

DP: Thanks, DCAFHW. It says here in your bio that you were always an overachiever, even back when you were young.

DCAFHW: The facts don’t lie.

DP: Well, I don’t know if they’re actually facts…

DCAFHW: Well then you’d be wrong! Think about it: With regular liquid soap you waste most of it. You goop on too much and it takes 5 minutes of running water to wash it all off. I wanted to be better than that from minute one. And I am.

DP: Okay.

DCAFHW: With me, you’re in, you’re out, boom. And I smell better — not perfumy.

DP: That *is* true. You do smell nice. But is that enough?

DCAFHW: Didn’t you hear what I said about the other liquid soaps coating your hands? ‘Nuff said.

DP: You really think you’re better than other soaps, don’t you?

DCAFHW: I don’t hear the ladies complaining when I’m done and they’re bacteria-free.

DP: Gosh, I’m blushing here. Any last words for the readers?

DCAFHW: A clean hand is a happy hand. Buy me by the case.

DP: We are so very excited to be speaking with you today! This is a big coup for the Daily Probe over mainstream media.

Nickel: Yeah. Okay. Sure

DP: Uh, I sense you’re not happy.

Nickel: If you’re happy to meet me, you’re the first.

DP: I’m shocked!

Nickel: Oh, please. Like anyone in the United States thought there was anything wrong with the old nickels. Nickels are the new penny. People can’t be bothered to pick one up. You would rather throw away the can than rinse it and bring it to the store to get the deposit back.

DP: Well, that can’t be everyone, can it?

Nickel: Enough people. I’m getting it from all sides — folks screaming about how unnecessary the change was, that the expense wasn’t justified.

DP: But you’re saying it was? Can you turn so I can get a better look? Oh. Uh huh. Uh huh. So what is that, two guys shaking hands after a round of golf?

Nickel: What?

DP: Golf. Are those golf clubs?

Nickel: What is wrong with you? I am part of the “Westward Journey” nickel series. I represent the Louisiana Purchase! Can you not read?

DP: But those look just like golf clubs!

Nickel: They most certainly are not. That’s a tomahawk and a pipe.

DP: How can you tell that’s a tomahawk?

Nickel: That’s what they tell me.

DP: Oh. Okay, not golf clubs.

Nickel: Do you know anything about the Louisiana Purchase?

DP: We bought it from Native Americans?

Nickel: No, the French!

DP: Then should the tomahawk be a baguette?

Nickel: Are you about done? You’re just as bad as the people who keep mistaking me for a Canadian coin. Are they mad?

DP: No?

Nickel: Apparently. I’m as American as … as … the Louisiana Purchase!

DP: One more thing: I see on the U.S. Mint’s website that this picture depicts a handshake between a Native American and a European-American. Is this actually a historic first use of the term European-American outside of the comedy club circuit?

Nickel: Really, it says that? European-American? God, no wonder I get no respect.

DP: Lime, welcome to the Daily Probe.

LIME: You make one feel most welcome.

DP: Well, you are one of our favorite citrus fruits.

LIME: One of?

DP: Well, okay, our favorite. No, really.

LIME: It’s okay, I’m not bitter. Well, I am, but you know what I mean. Now there’s a very good reason I come first in the word “limon” as it refers to Sprite.

DP: Is it because the other option would be, uh, “leme”?

LIME: Ah, humor. Yes. Leme. That’s exactly it.

DP: Moving on, are there areas where you are hands-down better than, say, lemons?

LIME: I did want to mention that the lime-flavored Poland Spring sparkling spring water is without a doubt the best. The lemon-flavored has an aftertaste reminiscent of furniture polish. It’s embarrassing to sit next to that crap on the shelf.

DP: That’s no good. I’m not big for ingesting furniture polish, but I can see your point.

LIME: And Corona beer. We must remember the Corona.

DP: But you forgot the most important thing…

LIME: Which is what? Key lime pies? No meringue involved, is there? Much easier to make.

DP: No, not pie. Margaritas. Big beautiful glasses of top shelf margaritas. Rim slightly salted.

LIME: You’re drooling.

DP: It’s been a long day.

LIME: Well, as long as you like limes more than grapefruit, my job here is done.

DP: Grapefruit? They’ve got nothing. Well, they have Fresca, but who the hell drinks that?

LIME: Exactly. And I’m just trying to pass along the word that limes are the Next Big Thing.

DP: As soon as we wrap this up, I’m going to buy some. I swear.

LIME: That’s all I can ask.

DP: Thank you, Lime.