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Mount St. Helens

Mount St. Helens

Joan: It’s just so great that you are able to join us today. I feel honored, since you’ve been so busy lately.

Mount St. Helens: Oh, you don’t know the half of it.

June: Well, all eyes are on you these days. Care to give us some insider scoop?

MSH: Funny how I grabbed the limelight from Florida and Ohio for a while there, huh?

June: “Funny” is an interesting way to put it, I suppose.

MSH: Hey, it’s funny to me! [deep, rumbling laugh]

June: You’ve made a lot of people pretty nervous. Can you give us a hint? Will we actually see more than just steam and ash?

MSH: I really can’t comment on that. Liability issues. If I blow without warning, I retain my “Act of God” status. If I sit here and tell you to circle October 14 on the calendar, Homeland Security will be all up my butt.

June: So we’re just supposed to wait and see?

MSH: And watch me on the internet! I’ve got a live webcam. I’m an Internet celebrity! The URL is

June: I’m impressed! That’s very cutting edge. I don’t know why, but I didn’t expect a volcano to be quite so technologically adept.

MSH: While I’m older than dirt, I feel like I’m a child of the ’80s. I really came of age back then, got a lot of press, you know? I’ve tried to stay current since then. So yes, I’m technologically savvy. But keep ’em guessing, I always say. Will I or won’t I?

June: I think I speak for many people when I say they’d prefer that you didn’t.

MSH: Ya, they say that. But when’s the last time someone sacrificed a virgin to me? Just plopped one right in my top? I can’t even remember the last time.

June: Well, we’re not so much into that in the United States, being somewhat advanced in the areas of science and religion. Well, science anyway.

MSH: Hey, you make your choices, and I’ll make mine. A virgin once in a while is like buying a little extra insurance, you know? But hey, maybe some people are looking for a little lava. I can make concessions. Maybe over in Redmond they could name the next release of Windows after me or something. Or Starbucks could make the cup sizes “Tall, Grande and Mount St. Helens”! In fact, before they even make it official, next time you’re in Starbucks, order your CafĂ© Mocha in Mount St. Helens. Or I’ll blow ash on you.

June: Thank you, Mount St. Helens. We look forward to not hearing from you soon!

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Apple Pie

Apple Pie

Joan: It’s a happy day here at the Daily Probe! We just love apple pie!

Apple Pie: Well golly! Thanks boatloads!

Joan: Whenever someone says to me, “What kind of pie?” I always tell ’em “Give me some American Pie!”

AP: Not to be confused with the Don McLean song, eh?

Joan: Pardon?

AP: Uh, the Don McLean song. It’s called American Pie.

Joan: Huh. Really? Hmmm. Maybe that’s why they never know what to bring me. Well anyway, you’re American Pie to me!

AP: I try.

Joan: Let’s get down to the core of the matter. Hee hee! I said core!

AP: That you did.

Joan: What kind of apples.

AP: You mean, which ones make the best pie?

Joan: Bingo. I’ve got a preference, but I defer to your expertise.

AP: Courtland. A real apple pie uses Courtland.

Joan: AHA! That’s what I say too!

AP: If you are going to use a Mac, you may as well use apple sauce cause that’s what you’ll end up with.

Joan: I hear you.

AP: And those fancy-pants gourmands who use granny smith apples are just showoffs. If you want a good, old-fashioned, just-like-grandma made apple pie, buy courtlands. Any other apples and don’t come running to me if someone turns you in to the office of Homeland Security.

Joan: That bad?

AP: This isn’t France. This is America. We put little toothpick flags on our desserts at Denny’s. We like our pie, and we want it made the way God intended.

Joan: Here here!

AP: [Starts to hum the Star Spangled Banner]

Joan: I don’t know about you, but all this patriotism has really made me hungry. Can you stay for lunch?

AP: I’d love to!

Joan: Great! I’ll go get a fork!

AP: Oh.

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Lawn Gnome

J: So, Lawn Gnome, are you ready for fall?

Lawn Gnome: As ready as I ever am. It’s not always a fun time of year, but at least it’s better than winter.

J: You’re not a fan?

LG: Well, you stand outside buried in snow for three months and tell me how fun it is.

J: Um, no thanks.

LG: And let us not forget the year they put a little Santa hat on me. Man oh man, that chapped my hide.

J: So no Santa hats, then?

LG: And for God’s sake if you were thinking of draping me with Christmas lights, I will find a way to hurt you. I don’t know how or when, but I will find a way.

J: You’re a lot angrier than I expected. You have such a happy little face.

LG: It’s my gargoyle lineage. I’ve got my dad’s looks, but my mom’s personality.

J: Do you find one is better than the other? Gargoyles vs. Gnomes, I mean.

LG: Oh God yes. Gargoyles have a reputation of being much, much cooler. The whole Goth thing. Cher filled catalogs with them. My uncle was a model for a wall sconce she featured in a spring catalog. And don’t forget Disney put a couple of Gargoyle characters in the Hunchback movie. Really upped their street cred with the kids. I mean really, what do you think of when you think of lawn gnomes?

J: Uhhhh…

LG: No, go ahead, you can’t hurt my feelings.

J: Well, old people. Trailer parks.

LG: Exactly. Old people and trailer parks. As opposed to castles and the world’s greatest cathedrals. I rest my case. They get stained glass windows to look at, and I get the ass end of a bendover.

J: Yikes.

LG: Exactly. You can see why I’m such a happy guy.

J: Well, you look happy. I guess now we all know better.

LG: You don’t know the half of it.

J: Thank you, Lawn Gnome.

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A Campus Queen Lunch Box

DP: It’s back to school time again, and the Daily Probe is delighted to be able to talk with a Campus Queen lunch box! I’m so excited, I’m practically hyperventilating!

CQL: Oh, my!

DP: You were my first and only metal lunch box as a child.

CQL: I’m so honored! Did I do a good job?

DP: Absolutely! I didn’t often bring lunch to school, but whenever I used a lunch box, you were it!

CQL: I’m just happy to have helped out.

DP: We played the game on the back all the time.

CQL: What was your favorite square?

DP: Can you turn a little so I can see your back? Okay, it was probably a tie between “Earn $10 babysitting. Go to movies” or the square where you get to go steady.

CQL: Always popular. That one sent you to the dress shop.

DP: So what have you been up to for the past 37 years?

CQL: I spend a lot of time over at eBay, modeling for auctions featuring myself. As you may know, really the highlight of my career was starring in Cyndi Lauper’s Time After Time video. Her boyfriend gives me to her, and I am one of the few possessions strapped to her back when she leaves.

DP: I called all my friends to tell them my lunch box was featured in the video!

CQL: Cyndi was great to work with. I never felt like I was “just a prop” to her. I really felt like she respected me and what I brought to the video. Most people completely dismiss lunch boxes.

DP: I guess I hadn’t given it much thought.

CQL: One of my pet causes is lunch box rights. We just want to get the word out that we deserve a little dignity. If you spill something in us, clean it up! And for goodness sake, stop using us to hit other kids on the bus.

DP: Something we should all think about. So where do you go from here?

CQL: Actually, I’m on my way to a luncheon organized by the Lone Ranger lunch box. He does this annually at the beginning of the school year.

DP: Catered?

CQL: No, silly, bring your own!

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Dial Complete Antibacterial Foaming Hand Wash

DP: Thank you Dial Complete Antibacterial Foaming Hand Wash, for taking the time to talk with us today.

Dial Complete Antibacterial Foaming Hand Wash: No Problem. Call me DCAFHW.

DP: Thanks, DCAFHW. It says here in your bio that you were always an overachiever, even back when you were young.

DCAFHW: The facts don’t lie.

DP: Well, I don’t know if they’re actually facts

DCAFHW: Well then you’d be wrong! Think about it: With regular liquid soap you waste most of it. You goop on too much and it takes 5 minutes of running water to wash it all off. I wanted to be better than that from minute one. And I am.

DP: Okay.

DCAFHW: With me, you’re in, you’re out, boom. And I smell better — not perfumy.

DP: That *is* true. You do smell nice. But is that enough?

DCAFHW: Didn’t you hear what I said about the other liquid soaps coating your hands? ‘Nuff said.

DP: You really think you’re better than other soaps, don’t you?

DCAFHW: I don’t hear the ladies complaining when I’m done and they’re bacteria-free.

DP: Gosh, I’m blushing here. Any last words for the readers?

DCAFHW: A clean hand is a happy hand. Buy me by the case.