I think Hollywood is just crying out for my ideas. Not that they have approached me in any way, unless they are getting caught up in my spam filter. That’s always possible. Hey, Hollywood, if you’ve emailed me and I didn’t get back to you, try sending me a @ reply on Twitter or something. I don’t mean to keep you waiting.
Here is the currently list of show ideas I’m ready to pitch to the first person willing to listen. Or you guys, because you didn’t know any better when you started to read. But remember, I posted these here first so no trying to steal my ideas to become big entertainment industry hot shots. That’s MY goal.
This is the list, in no particular order.
- Bombbob Explodeypants – Kids love guys named Bob wearing pants of some sort, and they love explosions. This show would be like printing money.
- My Peeps – A gang of completely identical marshmallow chicks share an apartment. Hilarity ensues when week after week we can’t tell the characters apart unless they are speaking.
- Why Fie – Not a show about wireless internet access, this is a show that asks the question “Why do we need a worldwide governing organization for amateur Olympic fencing”?
- Your Call Is Important to Us – Game show where ordinary people with everyday problems see who has to wait on hold the longest for a customer service rep. Bonus points are awarded when the contestants guesses match
- which company’s tech support line will be the least efficient
- the exact numbers the caller must press to get into the correct queue for their problem, and
- whether or not the person answering the phone will be able to handle the caller’s issue(s) without transferring the call to another rep.
Hollywood, I await your call.
I know there are people out there who assume I would be a pre-order kind of gal with this one, but I didn’t. For one thing, I just don’t have that kind of cash lying around the Mansion. I mean, moat maintenance isn’t cheap, people. And the psychic killer dolphins that live in the moat have to eat. And they eat a LOT. More than I expected when I went ahead and had them created in the lab. I think it would have been more cost-effective to go with something, let’s say, “traditional” but you know me. I’m not like that.
So you kids with your fancy big flat Apple products will just have to not gloat more than usual around me, as I try to decide if I should by one or put the helicoptor landing pad on the roof. These are important decisions that should not be taken lightly.
Okay, I could sell these diet plans and make a bunch of those little piles of cash that you see in cartoons, you know the little bundles that thieves are always pulling out of wall safes? Okay, those.
Now these weight loss plans have not been verified as safe or effective by anyone, including me, doctors, or the lady who has to re-fold the shirts after I pull some out and hold them up to see if they have long sleeves or not.
Plan 1: Laptop Fat Melt
I’m pretty sure that I’m rendering the fat off my legs with this laptop. Even through the laptop lap pads I’m using (YES! TWO OF THEM AT ONCE!) it’s still pretty damned warm. I like to think of this as George Foreman Grilling myself. Of course, this should only remove fat from your thighs and not from any of the rest of you so be prepared to have people stare at your new Popeye-like calves.
Plan 2: The Airplane Diet
This plan is only as expensive as the destinations you choose. So you start at an airport near your home and find a flight that will cover at least one meal, preferably two. Then you fly and only eat the food they serve on the plane. Except that food is so gross that nobody wants to eat it. Voila, weight loss. The key would be to just keep picking up new flights in each place you land so that you never eat any meals that aren’t served on a plane. You could very well die of starvation, so please use this plan under the supervision of a qualified travel agent.
Plan 3: Pica has a Purpose
For you gals who’ve been pregnant, remember when they warned you about pica? Ya, I guess pregnancy triggers pica in a lot of people. Also kids between the ages of 1 and 6 tend to get pica, and you know most of THEM are pretty thin! So according to Google health people with pica (or on the Jody Pica Diet) may eat
- Animal feces
I’m going out on a limb and recommending you stay away from any kind of feces. Look, we want to lose weight, not get thrown in a mental hospital.
I know they tell you to consult with a doctor before starting any kind of diet. I’d like to point out that if you consult with a doctor before beginning any of these diets, I’d rather not have my name mentioned. Ever. I’ve never seen you before in my life. Get out of here, you knuckleheads.
I’m not sure how it happened. I thought I had put June in my purse, next to my wallet and my car keys, but then when I went to look for it, it wasn’t there. I checked the counters, but you know, they are a bit messy at my house. I have plenty of bits of this and that on the counter, bags of doggie treats and little boy treats, but no June. As hard as I looked for it, it simply wasn’t there.
I looked in the trunk of my car, under the folding chairs, baseball equipment and kites, but there was no sign of June; none at all.
It’s as if June up and disappeared on me. I suppose I will just have to get resigned to the idea that June is missing and won’t be found, and focus my attention on July. I really don’t want to lose July the way I lost June so I’m going to keep closer watch on it. Starting tomorrow, when I take an extra day off to spend some quality time with it. Just me and July, maybe going for a road trip, buying ice cream, listening to some tunes. I think July and I are going to get along really well.