The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Tag: funny

Saint Jody Day

Some very good friends of mine declared today to be Saint Jody Day. (Back when I was still married, it was my wedding anniversary. This was a way to celebrate the day without focusing on not being married any more. Perfect!) Who am I to argue? I thought I should pass along info about the holiday in case you too want to celebrate. It doesn’t have to be a big flashy SJD celebration, mind you, but there are a few traditions which I am starting and should be followed by all celebrants.

1. The eating of the crispy bacon. This year, SJD falls on a Friday, so it is bacon day. But henceforth, every St. Jody’s Day shall be baconified.
2. The listening of 80s music. Oh yes. Every Karma Chameleon will Wang Chung tonight.
3. The wearing of the green pants. This is a toughie. This will weed out the wannabes. And yes, olive counts as green.
4. The accepting of offerings from the masses. You know, if there is a mass and it wants to offer something, I will accept it.
5. The writing with the purple pen. St. Jody only uses two types of mass-produced pen, both available at area retailers. Either the Pilot Precise V5, or the Pilot Easytouch (Harder to find in purple – I, however, have one.)

Go forth and have fun!

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Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage

Do you know how big a bus is???!!!

Meet Toby Jones, he’ll store anything you want for $10.99.

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Jones’ Big Ass Truck Rental & Storage

Do you know how big a bus is???!!!

Meet Toby Jones, he’ll store anything you want for $10.99.

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My $150,000 Wardrobe

I don’t know why everyone is harassing Sarah Palin about her $150,000 wardrobe enhancement. I mean, what’s the big deal? That’s about average in 2008, isn’t it? I know that I still have $25,000 left to spend on my $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, but I’m feeling pretty good about the $125,000 I’ve spent. I mean, like Sarah, I have a lot of public appearances that I have to make. I appear in public pretty much daily.

My most recent purchase was a heavy-duty pull-over fleece top that I bought at the Blue Heron tent sale a week and a half ago. I got it for ten dollars. I mean, ten thousand dollars (*cough*) which is what the receipt I sent to the GOP said.

Really, what it comes down to is pantsuits and makeup that is not available in the cosmetics aisle of Target. That’s really where the bulk of the enhancement budget went. I will look fabu in my new pantsuits as I meet “real Americans”. And the makeup will transform me into a movie star. That’s what it’s all about, right? When I’m at the self-serve gas station, people will offer to pump my gas for me. Because they will look at my pantsuits and know that I’m somebody to worship.

Everything I own now, by the way, is encrusted in Swarovski crystals. That’s what makes the difference between being dressed and being enhanced. When people see my glittery pants, tops and underwear, they will be excited to even be near me, and declare the money well spent. No more store-brand pants for me, I’m SOMEBODY NOW!

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Gosh, Where Can I Get a Top-Loading VCR?

Hey kids! It’s your old pal Apple Johnnyseed reminding you to swing by the Old AV for all your old audio-visual needs! Betamax? Reel-to-reel? We got that, and more! This week only a sale on 8-Track players and accessories! The first 5 customers will get the new Beatles 8-Track, Magical Mystery Tour, for a buck!

Old AV

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Gobsmacked!

No, not another post about the Palin/Biden debate. Although I sure had fun “live tweeting” about it. Glad I wasn’t playing the “drink whenever Palin says something folksy” game. I had work the next morning!

For whatever reason, when I got home the step-son was watching some reality TV thing on Bravo. The show that followed was called Tabatha’s Salon Takeover. The first episode we watched was about a salon in Long Island. It might have been the best television I have seen in years.

I do not say that lightly.

You could not have cast or written a scripted show that would have entertained me as much as this group of hairdressers. Two in particular, were FANTASTIC. The premise of the show is that Tabatha Coffey, a world-class hugely famous hair stylist and salon owner (apparently an icon in the industry) gets called in by drowning salon owners to “save” their businesses. It appears that the biggest problems are the owners, who don’t know how to properly run a business, don’t have any control over their staff, etc. etc. The first show we watched featured two Long Island sisters who ran their salon, bankrolled by daddy, like a sorority house. If you have a chance to watch this episode, you must. I’m a nice person, so I’m not going to comment on two of the girls working at the salon, but needless to say, I wanted to hit them with shovels.

We watched a 2nd episode, which was also interesting, but couldn’t hold a candle to the first one in the sheer brainless staff department.

I don’t know if the show will hold up for me over the course of a whole season or two, but our entire house was howling during these shows. Minimally you must Tivo it, just to watch when there isn’t anything else on.

Oh, and Tabatha is British, and she’s often “Gobsmacked.” That’s my new favorite word, although I don’t know how easily I can slip it into conversation.

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Here’s Your Quote of the Day

From Dump Friend Pia, via email:

“Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply. If you give her sperm,
she’ll give you a baby.If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you
give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.If you give her a smile, she’ll give
you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So – if you
give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.” Author
unknown

I will admit, no matter how many groceries you give me, there is a damned good chance you won’t get a meal. But I can give you a written guarantee on the ton of shit.

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I Am Tammy Faye

It’s never good to get an email from someone with only two words and a link in it, if the two words are “Uhhh, Jody?”

So I have no idea why this person has sent me a link to a Huffington Post article (originally published in 2007, republished Saturday), until I get about halfway down, and see, much to my amazement, my picture. A picture I modified using Paint Shop Pro 3.5 years ago, that to this day floats around the internet as an example of a bad makeup job. Even though it’s not makeup, it was me playing with photo editing software. A photo that originally appeared here on the BDT on the day of my 40th birthday party, because I was wearing my birthday tiara.

Mr. Dump asked me if I was going to contact them for credit, and I said “Are you kidding me?” Here’s the thing. That’s not how I look. That’s not real makeup, and I don’t smoke. Do you think people will take the time to find that out? Do you think they will look at the original photo and the modified one and figure it all out? No, they’ll think I’m Tammy-Faye-Courtney-Love LaFerriere. And that would be bad.

On the other hand, I find it INCREDIBLY amusing that a photo of me is used next to one of JLo [update: it was changed from Reese Witherspoon] on a hugely popular multi-national website. I hope people don’t confuse us.

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Minimal? Well That’s Good News

I was on the Accuweather website just now, looking to see if rain is expected to mar Junior’s 2nd playoff baseball game tonight. I happened to scroll down past the important (to me) information and spotted the following table. What struck me as amusing is that they just aren’t completely ruling out any of the things in the far right column. It’s the first day of summer. And you aren’t willing to say there is no chance of heavy snow? That there is minimal chance just because that way if the temperature drops fifty degrees you’ll be covered? Good to know.

weather odds chart showing minimal chance of heavy snow

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Brilliant writing example

This is a hilarious article that takes Hillary’s past approach to the primaries and applies it to basketball.

http://blogs.tnr.com/tnr/blogs/the_plank/archive/2008/06/03/a-sports-parable.aspx

Enjoy.

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