It’s been a full year, eh? If you still have a burning need to keep watching Christmas programs and you have Prime, I suggest two of the shows I watched today.
Tudor Monastery Farm at Christmas – I love documentaries, especially those explaining what normal life was like for our ancestors. Or other people’s ancestors. The part of the show that makes this a more atypical holiday show is the amount of time spent covering butchering a pig and cleaning and pickling the head.
Winter Wonderland Train Ride – The “story” is that your train has to deliver ham, wine, bread and toys to some location, maybe on a mountain? In a snowy place. This is a 4 hour video (!) of the view from the point of view of the engineer. Nondescript Christmas carols play along for the full, nearly-endless 4 hours of endless video following track wending through the snow-covered countryside.
I could lie and say we watched all four hours of the train video, but fast-forwarding was our friend, and the 15-20 we did watch was just enough. Also, we’re entirely unsure why they needed the ham/wine/bread/toys backstory as not once did you ever “drop it off”. We did pick up passengers with suitcases. Unsure if the suitcases contained hams.
There’s a house that I pass on my commute to work. Twice a day I drive by it. In my mind they’re famous for selling eggs, and I think probably other small animals are forms of meat.
You can see by the timestamp on this post that it’s almost the end of November. That means Halloween was almost a month ago. Today, for the first time, I noticed that they still have Halloween decorations up. I’m not talking about a pumpkin on the steps, or purple lights in the bushes: they have a witch and it goes hanging from windows of the house.
I’m not talking about a a small decoration that you would buy at the store, the size of maybe a wreath. These are huge – say you took the playground ball and covered it with a sheet in tied it off at the neck to make a ghost. That’s what they have hanging from the second story windows of the house. I’m thinking it’s none of my business if they want to keep Halloween decorations up past the holiday, but I wonder when those should come down. If every other home for miles around has put up Christmas decorations, and you still have a ghost hanging from the bedroom window. Maybe it’s time to take them down? I am a big believer that if something makes you happy you should go for it. I say that every year when people start to bitch about those who put up Christmas decorations too early. I don’t know who the arbiter of when it’s the appropriate date for outside Christmas lights is, but I’d like to have a talk with them. The world is a shit show, more people are depressed on a daily basis in the history of the world. If you find joy in something, then you should go for it. Considerate self-care. I love twinkle lights. I would like my yard to be covered with them 365 days a year. I guess the Giants loss which and goes, might bring someone joy. But damn if it doesn’t look odd To see them swinging in the breeze.
I guess I should also take into consideration that something could’ve happened to the people who live in the house, perhaps someone has taken ill, and it’s not the highest priority to remove this goes and the witch. You have to respect that. So I will keep an eye on that house to see if they take those down and hang up a Santa suit. Or maybe they’ll go straight for Valentine’s Day, with a giant Cupid hanging outside the house
Why am I putting myself through this again? Don’t I have enough to do? I have a podcast to produce!
I’m already 4000 words behind and I’ve started killing off characters. I don’t think anyone will want to read about the guy who had an “unfortunate blender incident.” Unless maybe that’s more interesting than the rest of the novel will be.
I get hooked on random things I see on television because of the endless amusement and riff-ability they bring to me. I become obsessed with them the way my nephew Peter was obsessed with videos of train wrecks. And this was back in the day when you had to search out and buy videotapes.
To bring everyone up to speed, in the last 4 year’s or so I’ve gone through obsessively (2 to sometimes 4 episodes a day) binge watching or rewatching the following for riffing and ironic amusement:
The Love Boat
Petticoat Junction (through the first two Billy-Jos)
tiny house shows
Anything on the ID channel
shows about buying super expensive RVs
My current TV obsession is Buying Yachts on a new channel I found: AWE. That’s supposed to stand for “A Wealth of Entertainment” but really, the only word you need to focus on is wealth. This is a network for rich people, featuring people I would assume applied for Real Housewives but didn’t make the cut. Ignore the fact that most of the shows are at least 4 years old, if not older. Who doesn’t want to watch “Buying Mega Mansions” for decorating ideas from a 30,000sf house selling for 72 million? And look at how easily you can create a “Selling Yachts” drinking game!
He’s 20 years older than his wife
She insists they buy the most expensive one
Someone says ‘happy wife, happy life'” or
They talk about how they can use it for chartering
Jody yells ‘Nobody needs that!’ at the tv
I also am obsessed, to an amazing degree, with the farmersonlydotcom commercials. There is so so so so so much for me to mock or comment on, I keep wondering if the whole thing is an elaborate hoax.
Are the commercials to get guys to sign up, or women to sign up? I have to assume there’s a shortage of males on the service, because nothing in the commercials is geared to entice women to sign up.
All the single girls wear shorts or short skirts with cowboy boots
It is implied that only rural girls enjoy “country” things like fishing. City girls are vapid and are from the same casting pool as the wives on Selling Yachts. They are evil and shallow and to be avoided. (Smells a lot like the red state “real Americans” vs blue state “coastal elite” bullshit.)
I don’t know what the “Only” in the name means: is it for farmers to meet other farmers? Are there enough single female farmers to balance supply and demand?
They do have 3 commercials featuring couples who met on the service. God bless those healthy-sized imperfect yet perfectly lovely gals who represent they women who are REALLY signing up versus the models they portray as the available pool of single gals
They introduced a buck-wild creep wizard to the ads, and I cannot figure out who thought this was a good idea. Probably the same guy who introduced talking horses.
As a special bonus today, here is a list of all the questions I ask every time I see the commercials. I have seen it a lot. Poor Tom. The commercial is the one with the bitchy girl who interrupts two farmers talking by suddenly appearing with a large chainsaw on her shoulder. She noisily kisses her boyfriend and continues out of the shot.
The commercial makes it seem like the two guys were all alone out on the back 40 talking about how one of them can’t meet girls (they stress “out here” and show a whole lot of empty land) when she just appears and blows through the scene.
Where did she come from? They seem far afield, so wouldn’t she have had to take a truck or something to get there?
Single guy seem a little startled to see her. Did he not see or hear her coming? Did she just materialize in front of them?
Why did single guy act like he had no idea his buddy had a girlfriend? If they are so close, shouldn’t he have had an inkling?
If she is a new girlfriend, why is she doing lord know what by herself on his farm? When I start dating a guy, I hardly ever show up at his place of work and just start doing shit with no direction from him.
After the kiss, where did she go? We saw a view of the direction she was walking and there were NO trees. Or anything.
Why does she sound so exasperated when she (off camera, mind you) answers the “where did you meet *her*?” question.
Is she dressed appropriately to use that thing she’s carrying? You can’t always look hot and safely fell trees at the same time.
If anyone is thinking of posting “well-actually” corrections and clarifications, please resist the urge. I don’t really want them because I’m only here to amuse myself and others. You go write a rebuttal on your web page and post the link. Because if you ruin the only enjoyment I get out of commercials I am forced to watch a hundred times, I will send the lady from the Liberator Medical commercials to beat you with catheters.