Posted in Brain Dump, humor, lists, Real Life, stuff, TV

Only Farmers, You Wealthy Urban Scoundrel

I get hooked on random things I see on television because of the endless amusement and riff-ability they bring to me. I become obsessed with them the way my nephew Peter was obsessed with videos of train wrecks. And this was back in the day when you had to search out and buy videotapes.

To bring everyone up to speed, in the last 4 year’s or so I’ve gone through obsessively (2 to sometimes 4 episodes a day) binge watching or rewatching the following for riffing and ironic amusement:

  • The Love Boat
  • Newhart
  • Petticoat Junction (through the first two Billy-Jos)
  • tiny house shows
  • Anything on the ID channel
  • Family Affair
  • shows about buying super expensive RVs

My current TV obsession is Buying Yachts on a new channel I found: AWE. That’s supposed to stand for “A Wealth of Entertainment” but really, the only word you need to focus on is wealth. This is a network for rich people, featuring people I would assume applied for Real Housewives but didn’t make the cut. Ignore the fact that most of the shows are at least 4 years old, if not older. Who doesn’t want to watch “Buying Mega Mansions” for decorating ideas from a 30,000sf house selling for 72 million? And look at how easily you can create a “Selling Yachts” drinking game!

  • He’s 20 years older than his wife
  • She insists they buy the most expensive one
  • Someone says ‘happy wife, happy life'” or
  • They talk about how they can use it for chartering
  • Jody yells ‘Nobody needs that!’ at the tv

I also am obsessed, to an amazing degree, with the farmersonlydotcom commercials. There is so so so so so much for me to mock or comment on, I keep wondering if the whole thing is an elaborate hoax.

  • Are the commercials to get guys to sign up, or women to sign up? I have to assume there’s a shortage of males on the service, because nothing in the commercials is geared to entice women to sign up.
  • All the single girls wear shorts or short skirts with cowboy boots
    It is implied that only rural girls enjoy “country” things like fishing. City girls are vapid and are from the same casting pool as the wives on Selling Yachts. They are evil and shallow and to be avoided. (Smells a lot like the red state “real Americans” vs blue state “coastal elite” bullshit.)
  • I don’t know what the “Only” in the name means: is it for farmers to meet other farmers? Are there enough single female farmers to balance supply and demand?
  • They do have 3 commercials featuring couples who met on the service. God bless those healthy-sized imperfect yet perfectly lovely gals who represent they women who are REALLY signing up versus the models they portray as the available pool of single gals
  • They introduced a buck-wild creep wizard to the ads, and I cannot figure out who thought this was a good idea. Probably the same guy who introduced talking horses.
Evil Wizard still from commercial
Please, Satan’s minion, do you have any dating advice?

As a special bonus today, here is a list of all the questions I ask every time I see the commercials. I have seen it a lot. Poor Tom. The commercial is the one with the bitchy girl who interrupts two farmers talking by suddenly appearing with a large chainsaw on her shoulder. She noisily kisses her boyfriend and continues out of the shot.

The commercial makes it seem like the two guys were all alone out on the back 40 talking about how one of them can’t meet girls (they stress “out here” and show a whole lot of empty land) when she just appears and blows through the scene.

  • Where did she come from? They seem far afield, so wouldn’t she have had to take a truck or something to get there?
  • Single guy seem a little startled to see her. Did he not see or hear her coming? Did she just materialize in front of them?
  • Why did single guy act like he had no idea his buddy had a girlfriend? If they are so close, shouldn’t he have had an inkling?
  • If she is a new girlfriend, why is she doing lord know what by herself on his farm? When I start dating a guy, I hardly ever show up at his place of work and just start doing shit with no direction from him.
  • After the kiss, where did she go? We saw a view of the direction she was walking and there were NO trees. Or anything.
  • Why does she sound so exasperated when she (off camera, mind you) answers the “where did you meet *her*?” question.
  • Is she dressed appropriately to use that thing she’s carrying? You can’t always look hot and safely fell trees at the same time.

If anyone is thinking of posting “well-actually” corrections and clarifications, please resist the urge. I don’t really want them because I’m only here to amuse myself and others. You go write a rebuttal on your web page and post the link. Because if you ruin the only enjoyment I get out of commercials I am forced to watch a hundred times, I will send the lady from the Liberator Medical commercials to beat you with catheters.

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Posted in stuff

The Sound of My Voice

There’s a new link up in the menus at that top of this page. Do you see it? “Adventures in Jodysitting”. If you click it, you can read about [and get a link to] my first podcast since the heady days of the Dumpcast. I’m sure one or two of you remember my video podcast from 10+ years ago that is no longer available on iTunes [insert moment of silence].  (Refer to these out-of-date gems: THE PODCAST! and DumpCast Home in Flux)

This is an audio podcast, because time and those little Entenmann’s pies have not been kind to me. Sure, I’ll consider tossing a video up from time to time, but really, it’s all about the audio.

Entenmann's Mini Apple Pies
Breakfast of Champions

My voice doesn’t sound as sexy as I thought it would, and I don’t even smoke unfiltered cigarettes. Is it possibly a side effect of starting each day with a healthy swig of rubbing alcohol followed by the cinnamon challenge? I’ll have to rethink my morning routine.

For anyone who has read about my drunk shopping * adventures here or on Twitter, you may be interested in Episode 8, which features me at the grocery story after 2 very healthy rum punches.

*These generally only happen after 2 margaritas and I always have a designated driver who ENCOURAGES the activity and makes sure I’m not obnoxious.  Or too obnoxious, anyway.
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Posted in Shopping, stuff

Illuminati Bug Catcher

I was looking to buy a bug vacuum and this one had great reviews. PERFECT!

Bug catcher or travel cube? Click to view on Amazon

Bug catcher or travel cube? (Click to view on Amazon)

I’m glad I decided to read these amazing reviews, which were for multiple other products, but definitely not the bug vacuum. So either a bug vacuum can be used as packing cubes, or you pack the bugs in the cubes after sucking them up. I think I want to buy the other products now because I definitely want

  • A Guardians of the Galaxy poster delivered in a real cardboard box, not a cheap plastic tube. Wait, the bug vacuum has a plastic tube. The poster could be stored in that part?
  • Magic stones to ward off the Illuminati. Or support them. The reviews are unclear.
  • Travel cubes that will easily fit my underwear. I mean, the bug vacuum is a tube you could store things in, right?

I think the Illuminati should consider being paid pitchmen for important products like pickle forks, clip-on fans, steering wheel covers, or everyone’s favorite Illuminati branded tank tops and flip flops. 

In case Amazon straightens out the reviews, here’s an example.

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Posted in humor, Real Life, Shopping, stuff

Wiping

After the ice storm Saturday I was very aggressive about cleaning off my car. Very aggressive. Sunday, after all the stores had closed, Tom and Michael found a piece of the plastic part of the wiper blade frozen to the hood of my car. The holiday meant I couldn’t replace it and would have to bag out on my only plans for Christmas Day. Boo.

Yesterday I finally was able to get it replaced by the girl working at Auto Zone after I announced to her “I would like whatever is your very best wiper blade” like some kind of blade-needing royalty. (She put it on my car so fast wrote her into my will.)

It was so nice to leave the house! Buy floor cleaner! Have a guy explain how I can install my own replacement floor on top of my current one, which seems like more work than just using floor cleaner!

There are a few things in life that are worth paying any price to have, and both are for wiping: soft 2-ply toilet paper, and wiper blades that can handle New England winter road muck. Splurge and wipe well.

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