The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Month: May, 2012

Tools For Improving My Whole Life

I found a thing on Amazon (and put it on my wishlist!) that is the one thing that I need to make everything in my life fall into place. It will make me healthier, prettier, make men fall in love with me on sight. It will improve my singing voice, my ability to cook chicken, and I’m pretty sure it would get me that Miss America Crown I’ve always wanted.

One thing it would really do well is help me write that book I’ve been meaning to write for the past 30 years. It would help get it published, too. And then it would help the book sell and make me a freaking boatload of money.

I’m of course talking about the Montegrappa Chaos Limited Edition 18K Gold Rollerball Pen.
The Limited Edition 18K Gold Rollerball Pen of my dreams!
 
(Click to view on Amazon)

I think what I like best about it is the fact that the pen comes with not one but two skulls. Sure, all that intricate detail might really irritate your hand after hours of writing with it. But isn’t that a small price to pay for an 18k Gold rollerball?

I feel I must issue a stern warning about this pen, though. The pen, while awesome, is not jewel-encrusted. I can’t think of a single thing that isn’t made better by jewel encrustation. This pen would be, that’s for damned sure.

BUT, I’m going to stick my neck out and still recommend this pen. It is a limited edition, and technically, you could probably attach your own diamonds to it. I mean, I think you should, actually. In fact, I insist upon it. After you order this pen for me, you should arrange to have your favorite jeweler attach diamonds. Maybe a ruby or two. Nothing too ostentatious, but something to add a little pop to the pen. Looking at it now, it’s almost too plain without the jewels. Maybe you should just save your $69,000 while I try to find something better. Or, hey, get this for me and I’ll use it to write you a thank you card.

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Smelling Nice for Jesus

I touched a product at Bed, Bath and Beyond and now my hand smells like the lining of the coat of the old lady sitting in front of you at church. You know, she wants to smell nice for Jesus. I don’t know that he can smell her, or anything else for that matter. If my interpretation of the Bible is correct, Jesus is no longer in human form, and I’m pretty sure spirits don’t have the ability to smell a darned thing, so the drug store eau de toilette was wasted on the church crowd trying to desperately block their noses. Of course, Mom always said you should offer your suffering up to Jesus. I like to think that if Jesus was born and raised a human, even in spirit form, he’s got a lot of human in him. And as a human, he’s probably had it up to here with people offering their suffering up to him.

“Sweet Me, would you just cut it out? I mean seriously, ENOUGH. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. You people are crazy, and I am going to give you all shingles if you don’t cut the crap.”

In my world, shingles is a punishment from Jesus. That would explain why I’ve never had shingles and a lot of other people have. I have never made crazy demands of him for my team to win a major sporting event. Or for some chick at a public pool to show a little bit of boob. Or death to an in-law. I’m good people when it comes to bothering Jesus, and so I remain shingles free.

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