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I Am Available to Take Bribes

I know you are probably figuring that with my recent $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, I’m probably doing pretty well in the cash department. Well, sure, I have $150,000 in enhancements, but you can’t take a pair of shoes down to Chilis for a dish of queso, now, can you? I didn’t think so.

So in the fine tradition of Massachusetts politicians, I am willing to stuff my bra full of any bribe money you want to give me. I’m not exactly sure what you’d be bribing me to do (or not do) but let us not focus on that. Let us focus on the fact that I think the best way for you to provide me with the bribe money is in anything larger than a ten dollar bill. I mean, really, ones? Do I look like a lap dancer to you?

Oh, and by the way, if you are going to take photos of me taking the cash and sticking it in my bra, can you make sure you use a flattering camera angle? The whole “under the table” thing really accents areas of my being that we should probably all just ignore.

Thank you for your bribe. It was a pleasure *cough* doing business with you.

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I’m Going to Be Part of an Extravaganza!

I got an email reminder from my very very dear friend and personal mentor, C Monks this morning, reminding me that today’s the day to order his book. Because he saw fit to make me a member of his Hall of Fame, he is one of my favorite people on the planet. And thus, I pass along the ordering info for his book, which, by the way, sounds fantastic. Go order a copy and maybe he’ll put you in his HOF. If you send him a photo and ask nicely.

This is an impersonal, yet friendly reminder about the “Order My Book
Extravaganza!” As you might remember, today, October 29th, I’m trying to get as
many people as possible to order my new book, “The Ultimate Game Guide to Your
Life” from
. I would greatly appreciate your support. Simply follow
this link,
and you’ll be a few clicks away from participating in what is sure to be, if I
may be so bold, the most exciting book-buying extravaganza you’ve been a part of
in at least the last couple of months. Or so.

See, it’s just that easy! Go order one! Or five! Christmas is coming!

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God Wants Me to Sleep In

Saturday night we briefly lost power due to the high winds and other assorted lightening-y activity. It came back within 2 minutes or so, and everything was dandy. Except in the middle of the night, I woke up to go to the bathroom, and noted that the clock said it was somewhere in the 1:15am range. But when I looked at my watch in the bathroom (yes, I often wear my watch to bed. You never know when you might want to check the time without rolling over to look at the alarm clock) it said it was after 2am. Huh. That’s odd.
When we finally woke up Sunday morning, my watch said it was 8am. But the alarm clock said it was 4am.
I reset it and it eventually lost 5 hours over the course of Sunday. I was thinking it might be fun to play alarm clock roulette in the morning, but I decided to go to Target to replace it. Got one that will charge and play my iPod, which means I can wake up to music I actually like!
Still, I don’t get how a digital alarm clock, plugged into an outlet, can just lose time like that. It wasn’t running on batteries, it was plugged in. I’m sure there’s some really science-y explanation, but to me, if a cheapo digital alarm clock breaks, it’s something like the alarm stops working, or the display goes wonky. Losing time? I have a wall clock my friend Kim gave me as a shower present 15+ years ago and that one barely loses time when the battery goes low.
I hope God wasn’t trying to send me a message to sleep in this morning because the new alarm clock worked very very well.

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A Video for Friday

I know I don’t really maintain the podcast any more (mostly because my site expired) so this would be turned into a podcast if I still had one. Which I don’t. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t watch this video to make the hit count go up which would make me feel pretty good about myself. I’m just saying.

Here we have Junior and Phantom, doing a bit of a duet.

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My $150,000 Wardrobe

I don’t know why everyone is harassing Sarah Palin about her $150,000 wardrobe enhancement. I mean, what’s the big deal? That’s about average in 2008, isn’t it? I know that I still have $25,000 left to spend on my $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, but I’m feeling pretty good about the $125,000 I’ve spent. I mean, like Sarah, I have a lot of public appearances that I have to make. I appear in public pretty much daily.

My most recent purchase was a heavy-duty pull-over fleece top that I bought at the Blue Heron tent sale a week and a half ago. I got it for ten dollars. I mean, ten thousand dollars (*cough*) which is what the receipt I sent to the GOP said.

Really, what it comes down to is pantsuits and makeup that is not available in the cosmetics aisle of Target. That’s really where the bulk of the enhancement budget went. I will look fabu in my new pantsuits as I meet “real Americans”. And the makeup will transform me into a movie star. That’s what it’s all about, right? When I’m at the self-serve gas station, people will offer to pump my gas for me. Because they will look at my pantsuits and know that I’m somebody to worship.

Everything I own now, by the way, is encrusted in Swarovski crystals. That’s what makes the difference between being dressed and being enhanced. When people see my glittery pants, tops and underwear, they will be excited to even be near me, and declare the money well spent. No more store-brand pants for me, I’m SOMEBODY NOW!