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I Am Available to Take Bribes

I know you are probably figuring that with my recent $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, I’m probably doing pretty well in the cash department. Well, sure, I have $150,000 in enhancements, but you can’t take a pair of shoes down to Chilis for a dish of queso, now, can you? I didn’t think so.

So in the fine tradition of Massachusetts politicians, I am willing to stuff my bra full of any bribe money you want to give me. I’m not exactly sure what you’d be bribing me to do (or not do) but let us not focus on that. Let us focus on the fact that I think the best way for you to provide me with the bribe money is in anything larger than a ten dollar bill. I mean, really, ones? Do I look like a lap dancer to you?

Oh, and by the way, if you are going to take photos of me taking the cash and sticking it in my bra, can you make sure you use a flattering camera angle? The whole “under the table” thing really accents areas of my being that we should probably all just ignore.

Thank you for your bribe. It was a pleasure *cough* doing business with you.

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Vaction Planner = Me

I’m the kind of person who finds planning a vacation as relaxing and enjoyable as going on one. Maybe more so, because when you are planning, everything and anything is possible, there are no lines or bugs or heat, no need to pull out the credit card every fifteen minutes, no maps to read or refold. I love trying to pick just the right hotel at just the right location. I could spend hours on travel websites looking at the interiors of hotel rooms. I’m smart enough to know that if a hotel’s website only shows closeups of the pillows on the bed or the bedside table, the room is probably the size of a small dog.

So every time we go to Florida (and sometimes even when we aren’t going) I am in planning mode times 12. I get books. I read websites (lots of them) and my favorite email newsletter from (If you enjoy Disney and don’t get this weekly newsletters, your Tuesdays are a cold and dank place I don’t want to be.) Remember, one of my photos is on their website (scroll all the way down – the last photo on the page is mine.)

This time around, Mr. Dump asked to be the planner guy, and I said yes. So my role has been greatly reduced. I only got one updated guide (I’m saving all my old ones…some day we’ll read and look at the pictures and say “oh my gosh, it hasn’t been like that for 10 years!”). But I also got a book called Oddball Florida: A Guide to Some Really Strange Places (Oddball series). It’s really really good and now I want to take a trip to Florida and just hit all these awful tourist attractions! By the way, my new favorite street name comes from the location of the Water Ski Hall of Fame and Museum – it is located on Holy Cow Road in Polk City. Holy Cow Road! I want to live on Holy Cow Road!

So that’s all I have to say today. I’m still killing time. I can tell you, I won’t be finishing the Oddball Florida book in the next few days.