Tag: Interview with Still Life

DP: We are so very excited to be speaking with you today! This is a big coup for the Daily Probe over mainstream media.

Nickel: Yeah. Okay. Sure

DP: Uh, I sense you’re not happy.

Nickel: If you’re happy to meet me, you’re the first.

DP: I’m shocked!

Nickel: Oh, please. Like anyone in the United States thought there was anything wrong with the old nickels. Nickels are the new penny. People can’t be bothered to pick one up. You would rather throw away the can than rinse it and bring it to the store to get the deposit back.

DP: Well, that can’t be everyone, can it?

Nickel: Enough people. I’m getting it from all sides — folks screaming about how unnecessary the change was, that the expense wasn’t justified.

DP: But you’re saying it was? Can you turn so I can get a better look? Oh. Uh huh. Uh huh. So what is that, two guys shaking hands after a round of golf?

Nickel: What?

DP: Golf. Are those golf clubs?

Nickel: What is wrong with you? I am part of the “Westward Journey” nickel series. I represent the Louisiana Purchase! Can you not read?

DP: But those look just like golf clubs!

Nickel: They most certainly are not. That’s a tomahawk and a pipe.

DP: How can you tell that’s a tomahawk?

Nickel: That’s what they tell me.

DP: Oh. Okay, not golf clubs.

Nickel: Do you know anything about the Louisiana Purchase?

DP: We bought it from Native Americans?

Nickel: No, the French!

DP: Then should the tomahawk be a baguette?

Nickel: Are you about done? You’re just as bad as the people who keep mistaking me for a Canadian coin. Are they mad?

DP: No?

Nickel: Apparently. I’m as American as … as … the Louisiana Purchase!

DP: One more thing: I see on the U.S. Mint’s website that this picture depicts a handshake between a Native American and a European-American. Is this actually a historic first use of the term European-American outside of the comedy club circuit?

Nickel: Really, it says that? European-American? God, no wonder I get no respect.

DP: Lime, welcome to the Daily Probe.

LIME: You make one feel most welcome.

DP: Well, you are one of our favorite citrus fruits.

LIME: One of?

DP: Well, okay, our favorite. No, really.

LIME: It’s okay, I’m not bitter. Well, I am, but you know what I mean. Now there’s a very good reason I come first in the word “limon” as it refers to Sprite.

DP: Is it because the other option would be, uh, “leme”?

LIME: Ah, humor. Yes. Leme. That’s exactly it.

DP: Moving on, are there areas where you are hands-down better than, say, lemons?

LIME: I did want to mention that the lime-flavored Poland Spring sparkling spring water is without a doubt the best. The lemon-flavored has an aftertaste reminiscent of furniture polish. It’s embarrassing to sit next to that crap on the shelf.

DP: That’s no good. I’m not big for ingesting furniture polish, but I can see your point.

LIME: And Corona beer. We must remember the Corona.

DP: But you forgot the most important thing…

LIME: Which is what? Key lime pies? No meringue involved, is there? Much easier to make.

DP: No, not pie. Margaritas. Big beautiful glasses of top shelf margaritas. Rim slightly salted.

LIME: You’re drooling.

DP: It’s been a long day.

LIME: Well, as long as you like limes more than grapefruit, my job here is done.

DP: Grapefruit? They’ve got nothing. Well, they have Fresca, but who the hell drinks that?

LIME: Exactly. And I’m just trying to pass along the word that limes are the Next Big Thing.

DP: As soon as we wrap this up, I’m going to buy some. I swear.

LIME: That’s all I can ask.

DP: Thank you, Lime.