The Big DumpTruck

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(This post written by guest blogger Laurence Simon. Visit his site!)

Today, I saw that the big headline on Drudge Report was: WASHINGTON POST: Saddam: U.S. Wants Arabs As Slaves.

No thanks. I don’t want any Arab slaves, thank you very much. I enjoy doing all the household chores myself. I know it’s weird that a guy likes to clean, vacuum, do laundry and clean litterboxes, but I’ve gotten in touch with something in getting back those domestic maintenance tasks.

Not only isn’t there much need for an Arab slave here, there isn’t much room for one, either. We’ve got a cozy little place here, even with the large enclosed patio and garden. Not that I’m complaining, but the time is coming soon when cozy will turn to constrained, and then ultimately cramped.

Adding a slave or three to the occupancy won’t help with that situation.

Now, maybe if there were an Arab fitness trainer among the captives I might think about putting in a bid at the auction square, but even then I would be extremely wary trusting an Arab captive with the task of coaching my quest to achieve a more slender and healthy figure. I could work out a schedule with someone to time-share such an Arab slave, where I’d get the working hours rights to him and the others would divide up the evenings or mornings for his services.

Fat lot of good that would do, though. I would not trust an Arab slave to spot me as I did bench presses, let alone refrain from slitting my throat as I did my daily walk. It’s the same reluctance I have in letting a stranger cook for me, thinking they might take the opportunity to poison me.

Arab sex slaves perhaps? I think not. As much as Google sends the Arab Sex Foot Fetish Camel Boy Girl Hump searches to my own site, I still believe in the virtues of monogamy and my needs are simple. Third parties need not apply.

So, really, we’ll just stick with taking the oil to pay for our liberation services, we’re not interested in the whole Arab slave thing.

Junior and I were coloring with markers last night, and we were practicing drawing things from his “My Big Backyard” magazine. I wrote a story to go with one of my drawings, and I would like to share it with you, my fans.

Once upon a time there was a little purple elephant named Joshua. He lived in a little purple house with a little purple door and two purple windows. Joshua worked very hard at farmer Ray’s Peanut farm, where he was in charge of testing the ripe peanuts before farmer Ray sent them to the peanut processing plant. Every night Joshua would make himself a peanut butter and banana sandwich to eat, and he would sit in his little purple rocking chair and read stories about very brave elephants who were not afraid of anything, not even a scary little mouse. Joshua was a very happy elephant.

Because I run a family-friendly site, I feel I should warn you that while the picture on this page is g-rated, the language isn’t. It’s still darned funny, and I’d love to see him using his cell phone attachment.

I guess there was a server bloop. Sorry if you tried to get here in the past 15 minutes or so. We’re back, though, so pull up a chair and a box of Raisinets and enjoy the show.

I guess I’ve been doing a good job of keeping busy. Or at least keeping myself amused. I can’t believe it’s Monday again. Didn’t I just put the trash out? How could it be trash day again already?

Actually doing the trash this week was like an immunity challenge on Survivor. It rained all day yesterday (poured, thank you, for most of the day) and by 8pm last night there was a thin glaze of ice everywhere. And I mean everwhere. Junior and I were coming home from my sister’s house, and after we got off the highway, we were on a side street. At a curve in the road, my car wouldn’t stop, slow or take the curve. VERY tense few minutes – luckily I wasn’t going very fast and pumping the brakes and downshifting took care of things. Luckily I was only a mile or so from home because then I was in a blind panic about the ice…if I hadn’t stayed below 20mph I would have slid right through a stop sign (luckily, Sunday nights traffic is much lighter, and there are no commuters on that road so there wasn’t anyone coming in either direction.)

Oh, so then I got home, and had to do rubbish. My driveway slopes down…boy howdy, it was a fun walk down the the end of the driveway and back up again!

This morning I ran out to pick up the empty bins in only a sweater (it’s nice and sunny out!) and nearly froze to death. Oh my word, is it cold out there. Yahoo says it feels like -7 (wind gusts are 20-30mph) but I’m here to tell you it feels MUCH colder than that. My fingers were aching, and I was only out there 30 seconds to a minute! My goodness, is it just me, or is that a little chilly for March?