Author: The Jody

Okay, I saw the camera of my dreams at Circuit City tonight. (From the back seat: “Are we going to the circus store?” “Huh?” “The circus store…that one over there!” “Oh, CIRCUIT, not circus.”)

It’s the 4 megapixel Elph, and it’s on sale for $475 in the store, and $450 on Amazon. Now that might now be much for some of you moneybags, but it’s pretty much out of range for me, given that some people would think I have a perfectly fine camera. I know I’m not completely happy with it, but I know you won’t listen to me. I mean, I am a web development professional here…it WOULD be a tax write-off. (Which I just realized and NOW I’m trying to figure out how to budget that puppy).

Anyway, if four hundred and seventy-five of you just send in a dollar each, I’ll create a page with all your names and I’ll dedicate my every waking moment for like three or four weeks to you. Seriously. So go off and organize yourselves, okay? Thanks.

And if you are looking for a digital camera and can’t afford the really cool $800 Sony, I’d look at this one. It’s smaller than a pack of smokes for goodness sakes. And you literally won’t believe the quality of the LCD screen. There. I’m done my sales pitch.

Hey, you know what? If you plant flowers you should probably weed them every once in a while. Sheesh, I sort of let that go for a little while and tonight I couldn’t tell where the flowers were.

Stupid ratzen-fratzen crabgrass. I want it GONE from my yard. I’m so furious with the way it’s just everywhere. And unlike my father, I don’t look at crabgrass and clover as an acceptable substitute for regular healthy grass. I’m just ready to pull out my hair, I tell you.

I haven’t forgotten you, I swear. Give me a few and I’ll give you more of my attention. I’ve just been beyond busy.

A special Big DumpTruck note to the wench in the silver Nissan minivan (I have your plate number but I think I should refrain from posting it here) who got on Route 2 at the Route 70 entrance: If you EVER pull out onto Route 2 like that again, I hope your will is in order and your children are prepared to be orphans. I have never seen such stupidity on the road, and I’ve seen a LOT of stupidity. The woman you popped out in front off should be given some kind of reward for

a) Not slamming into the side or back of your van, given that she was only about 20 feet away from you when you pulled out clear in the middle of her lane

b) Not jumping into MY lane, which would have inconvenienced me because I was actually driving almost parallel with her.

You stupid stupid piece of guano. (I’d use the really great derogatory term I learned over on blogdaddy.com, but this is a family site). IF you feel you must pull out, why not wait more than 5 seconds after you pull up to the stop sign to actually look to see if there is any kind of opening coming up. But here’s the important thing, jerkface. If you insist on pulling out anyway, stay in the frigging breakdown lane until you come up to speed.

You are not the only person on the road, and you’re lucky several of us didn’t force you off it and beat you senseless for that stupid move. Yes, I’m still angry about it 5 hours later, because I know you could have KILLED one of us, not to mention shut down the highway screwing up everyone else’s commute. Because you are too freaking important to actually have to wait to pull out onto the highway. Stupid [Expletive Deleted].

Oh, and one last thing. Yes, your long brown hair sure was beautiful. Do us all a favor and keep your eyes on the road instead of looking at yourself in the mirror, you narcissistic beee-yotch. You’ve only been on the highway 30 seconds. Didn’t you check your hair before you left the house?