Author: The Jody

I’m working on a new series for the Daily Proble – interviews with inanimate objects. Eventually I’ll collect them and put them here on my site as reprints, but for now you can read overat the Probe.

This week’s guest: Maine.

There is so much information out there available to the average human with web access.

Did you know that you can get a report on mosquito activity in your area. I mean think about it…until now, you had to find out about mosquito activity by going outside and standing there holding a beer. Now, the internet does it for us! (Except for the beer part. My computer is underage.) Go to weather.com for your report.

Well, you know me. I love to spend money. So if I can use this Saturday’s “tax holiday” as an excuse to hit the mall, I’ll be there.

I did have one thought about this earlier today: do they really think that this will account for a huge increase in sales? Isn’t it possible that people who would have gone out to buy something yesterday, today or tomorrow are instead putting it off until Saturday? So yes, Saturdays sales numbers will be great, but the rest of the week will suck? I don’t want to be pessimistic, I love the idea of not paying sales tax Saturday, but the reality is that there was something I was going to buy yesterday that I’m putting off until the 14th (saves me the gas driving up to Nashua, really). Do the malls look as abandoned today as I think they will?

Here’s what’s on my mind today.

[crickets]

No wait, here are the items.

1. I don’t know where my sunglasses are. Did I leave them at my sister’s house? I’ll have to follow up. Luckily, it’s dreary out, so I didn’t need them. Maybe this is the heads-up I need to make an eye appointment anyway. Those sunglasses (prescription) are totally trashed, and a couple of years old. It’s time for new ones.

2. I’ve never had a gas station attendant make a comment about how empty my gas tank was before. Today, I went to the place next to the Bagel Inn, where you pump first, and when I went to pay he said “Wow, you were really empty. That car holds what, 16, 16.5 gallons?” I suppose so, I never actually checked to figure that out. I was driving with the little gas light on, if that’s any indication. But I was just thrown that he’d say anything about how much gas I’d crammed into my tank. Now I’m all self-conscious.

3. Today was the day to bring in the backpacks for the underprivileged kids. We were given a specific child (we only had first name, age, sex, sizes) and told to get them a backpack, school supplies, and clothes, etc. I had a 7-year-old girl, and I got her this awesome Hello Kitty backpack that came with a purse. We got most of our school supplies at Staples (of course) but at Target the other day I found the world’s most wonderful Hello Kitty notebook that had pink lined paper in it, so I had to buy it to go with the backpack. Then the only issue was carrying it in to work today; how many people saw me and thought it was my backpack?

DP: Maine, we noticed you waving your arms last week. Is there something you wanted to say?

MAINE: Yes, actually. I’ve been sitting over here by myself for quite a while now, and I thought maybe, you know, somebody could do something so we get in the news. You know, we’d make a good terrorist target.

DP: How so?

MAINE: It’s blueberry season. If something were to happen to the crop the implications would be felt at Denny’s and IHOPs from Coast to Coast.

DP: Do you really think people will notice?

MAINE: See, that’s the attitude that pisses me off. Yes, it would be a major crises if blueberry pancakes went off the menu at IHOP. I don’t even want to think about the crying children.

DP: I had no idea.

MAINE: Of course not. Take the weather. Now when a storm forms off South Carolina the press is all, “Oooh, this could be horrible! Go buy candles and big honkin’ containers of Beefaroni.” But by the time the storm gets all the way to me, the weather people are off talking about something else. As if I don’t matter. As if I don’t have feelings.

DP: I’m sorry.

MAINE: Go tell it to Good Morning America. And while you’re at it, tell ’em I’m big. I’m bigger than some of those little nobody states. I could crush and kill Delaware if I roll over in my sleep. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a little respect.

DP: So what’s next for you, Maine?

MAINE: Um. Well, I don’t really have anything lined up. Fishing maybe. Or, um, camping. Or both. I could do both.

DP: Thank you, Maine, for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk to us.