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Shaving Ten Years Off Your Life

I know how to do it! You just be a witness to a nasty accident! Front row seats are the way to go, if you’re looking to have your day ruined!

We were in the car, waiting for our light to turn green. As we sat there with our jaws in our laps, we watch a woman come SCREAMING through the intersection, where she smashed another car (who was waiting to turn left) head on. I ran out of the car to see if the woman who got hit was okay, she was kind of walking in a daze away from her car, which looks demolished. The other woman, an older one, got out of her car and was just yelling to anyone who would listen that she had a green light. Except she didn’t. And she was flying, like 40-45mph, through the intersection to beat the red light. Mr. Dump had noticed their light was yellow. The poor woman who got his wasn’t even moving at the time.

There’s a chance the speed demon may have had to have a blood test at the hospital, if you know what I mean. We were there for 45 or so minutes, picking pieces of car out of the road at one point so that some of the backed-up traffic could start moving, and then helping to move one of the cars out of the road before stopping to make our statement to the police. When the younger woman’s boyfriend drove up, he was with her as they put her in an ambulance (she may have hit her head – I don’t think her airbag deployed properly, it seemed to me that it was late and it never covered her whole view, I don’t think. He came over to the cop to ask what he should do, and while he waited I asked if he was okay (he looked AWFUL). He said he’d been waiting at home with their daughter to start the daughter’s birthday party.

I am just so furious with the woman who caused this accident. She was going too fast for ANY intersection, never mind this one (at Watertower plaza, for those of you familiar with N. Main St. in Leominster) and she ran a yellow light. Never mind if there was a substance involved. It just makes me ill that she ruined someone else’s week or even month. Grrrr.

So anyway, I just wanted to write all this down to kind of get it out of my system. I took the time to tell the kids (my step-son is visiting) that THIS is why even when your light turns green, you look both ways before you start to pull out into an intersection. If Mr. Dump had started to move out, she would have nailed our car.

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Lawn Gnome

J: So, Lawn Gnome, are you ready for fall?

Lawn Gnome: As ready as I ever am. It’s not always a fun time of year, but at least it’s better than winter.

J: You’re not a fan?

LG: Well, you stand outside buried in snow for three months and tell me how fun it is.

J: Um, no thanks.

LG: And let us not forget the year they put a little Santa hat on me. Man oh man, that chapped my hide.

J: So no Santa hats, then?

LG: And for God’s sake if you were thinking of draping me with Christmas lights, I will find a way to hurt you. I don’t know how or when, but I will find a way.

J: You’re a lot angrier than I expected. You have such a happy little face.

LG: It’s my gargoyle lineage. I’ve got my dad’s looks, but my mom’s personality.

J: Do you find one is better than the other? Gargoyles vs. Gnomes, I mean.

LG: Oh God yes. Gargoyles have a reputation of being much, much cooler. The whole Goth thing. Cher filled catalogs with them. My uncle was a model for a wall sconce she featured in a spring catalog. And don’t forget Disney put a couple of Gargoyle characters in the Hunchback movie. Really upped their street cred with the kids. I mean really, what do you think of when you think of lawn gnomes?

J: Uhhhh…

LG: No, go ahead, you can’t hurt my feelings.

J: Well, old people. Trailer parks.

LG: Exactly. Old people and trailer parks. As opposed to castles and the world’s greatest cathedrals. I rest my case. They get stained glass windows to look at, and I get the ass end of a bendover.

J: Yikes.

LG: Exactly. You can see why I’m such a happy guy.

J: Well, you look happy. I guess now we all know better.

LG: You don’t know the half of it.

J: Thank you, Lawn Gnome.

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Paying the Bills

As much as I hate to watch our paychecks go out the window with one flick of the Enter key, it really feels good to know everything is paid and up-to-date. For a couple of years, when I was out of work and we were separated, that just wasn’t the case. Thank God that’s over with.

In other news, what the HELL was I on this morning? I forgot makeup (cover-up for my Frankenstein-like dark eye circles) and deodorant. I have the latter at work, but cripes, who let me out of the house this morning?

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No Mail Today

Apparently T-Mobile is having some problems with their network, cause I haven’t had email since I woke up this morning. Do you know what that can do to a person like me? Getting email is like breathing. Every new email is a beat of my heart. thump-thump, thump-thump, new-mail, new-mail.

It’s made me cranky, and I don’t mind saying it out loud.

In other news…no, there is no other news, is there.

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