That is all.
That is all.
This is the poem I got for Mother’s day this year. I did not expect a poem, but I was very happy to get it. It was written on a piece of foamy stuff with a magnet on the back so I can keep it on the fridge.
I started to write my mom a poem but it was not as good as this one so I just gave up altogether. I can honestly say that nobody has ever, ever, written me a better poem than this one, and I doubt they ever will.
My Mother’s Day Poem, by Junior
My mom appreciates Mike Lowell
But I hope I make her complete
Without me there could be a hole
My mom appreciates Mike Lowell
We work together like some moles
But she also makes my heart beat
My mom appreciates Mike Lowell
But I hope I make her complete.
Here is the part of the website where I try to entertain you by making up a story and trying to convince you it’s absolutely true. Well, I will place two true “truthiness nuggets” in the story, and your job will be to try to determine which those are.
I was eating lunch at Johnny Rockets at the Burlington Mall when I realized I’d left my wallet in the car. This was not cool because, well, Mrs. Rocket was staring at me with a bill in her hand and I couldn’t very well tell her that I did not have any money. I scanned the restaurant to see if I knew anybody, and was shocked and amazed to see Mike Lowell eating a #12 with his family. It turns out Mike is a big fan of the “red red sauce” that they put on the #12, and he often eats there four or five times a week. Now me, if I was a big famous sports star, I would ask if they could hook me up with a bottle of the stuff, but maybe he just enjoys spending quality time at the mall. You never know.
But you thought I was going to ask Mike if he could cover my bill for me, right? Wrong. I could not do that. But what I could do is ask Mike if he was interested in buying my watch from me. It’s a Timex Ironman Triathlon watch with Indiglo, so you can tell what time it is in the dark. I told him I’d sell it to him for $19.65, which covered my bill plus a hearty 10% tip. (Only 10% because Mrs. Rockets forgot to bring me my fries and she forced me to do the ketchup all by myself instead of doing the first pour for me. Beeatch.
Mike inspected the watch for wear and tear and told me he’d give me a full twenty for it, which was fantastic. I didn’t want to give Mrs. Rockets the extra 35 cents, but I felt it would be awkward to ask her for it. But then, Mike Lowell paid for the watch using giant handfuls of change. I’m not even sure how he got all that change into his pockets. He may have been carrying it in some sort of man bag. And you should totally not make fun of him for carrying a man bag because on him it would look very very cool, unless it had some kind of Hello Kitty design on it. I’m not saying he’s partial to Hello Kitty, but really, could you blame the man? It’s so damned cute!
So I handed Mrs. Rockets the twenty, and thanked her for a lovely meal. On the way out of the restaurant I noticed they had a giant gumball machine. I love gumballs, and couldn’t believe I’d just tossed away that extra thirty five cents. All I needed for a gumball was twenty five cents, you see. So I made eye contact with Mike Lowell again and nodded toward the gumball machine. He got up from his table and came over to me, and used his manly baseball muscles to push over the huge gumball machine like it was so many Q-Tips. The ball on top shattered, and hundreds of gumballs flooded the entryway to Johnny Rockets. I gave Mike Lowell and thankful nod and as I grabbed a handful of gumballs, careful to avoid the ones with glass in them, I whispered “until next time.”
As you’ve undoubtedly heard by now, there was some kind of massive (nationwide) outage that impacted NESN and ESPN2 and therefore people who got up to start their day with a cup of coffee and the season opener could not actually see it on television.
We were among those who had to resort to listening to AM radio inside the house. Not cool, DirecTV, not cool.
Granted, we were already up at 6am, but I’m betting there were a LOT of people who set the alarm just that much earlier.
At least we won it, 10 innings later (not an easy win, and not a pretty one, but a win nonetheless).
It’s that time, people. I have to make a big decision.
I’ve had the same license plate since I bought my first car. It’s one of those old beat-up green ones. (I don’t have two because you only needed one back when I got it. On my first car I had one of those airbrushed license plates of hot air balloons on the front. Sweeeeeeet!)
So after [does math on fingers] 21 years with the same license plate, I’m considering getting either one of those charity plates (Red Sox or the Trust one with the mill on it) or getting a vanity plate.
Because if I don’t just cut the cord on my plate, I’m thinking I will have it for so long that I won’t be able to get rid of it because it will be an antique. But is that a bad thing? Do people think “hey, that’s an old plate” when they see an old style plate on the road?
I need your input, people. I have to renew my registration in March. Okay? Okay.
Do you know how much I love you people? In 2004 my family watched the Sox win the world series from Walt Disney World. So we decided to do our part and go to WDW again so that the Sox could win the Series again this year. I am a giver.
I forgot my phone charger so I haven’t been able to keep you up to date – I would have told you earlier but I was afraid you pranksters would TP my house.
I will be able to read all my mail and do a better update on Wednesday when we get back. We’re off to the Magic Kingdom to see if they decorated with Red Sox balloons like it was the last time.
You know, it’s nice to sweep. It’s nice to be the team sweeping, not the team being swept.
The look on Pap’s face mirrors how I feel right about now. And I want to point out that I did take a picture of him standing there in a jock strap but Mr. Dump posted the picture he took on his iPhone over on Red Sox Soul because he got to the computer first and I didn’t want you to think I was copying him.
It’s hard to live an exciting life. First people want you to pose on a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese, then they expect you to attend ribbon cutting and key to the city ceremonies. It’s all so much work. I live a modest life. I get up in the morning, and Mike Lowell brings me bacon and eggs in bed (over medium, bacon extra crispy but not burnt). After I eat he dabs at my lips with a linen napkin and tells me he’s going to go get 4 hits for me in the game and I tell him “you do that, babycakes.”
After that, I take a shower and brush my teeth like every other good American. I have to take a phone call from the President because he needs to know what color underwear to use that day. “Today is Tuesday, so look for the blue ones with ‘Tuesday’ written on the band.” So now you know…if it wasn’t for me, the POTUS would wear the same undies every day of the week.
To keep myself grounded, I updated the Still Life with Interview page on the site for the first time in about a year and a half. But you guys are totally worth it. Just click on the tab up there on the top left. I know, it’s an iffy one, but I’m easing into these high-level updates, you know?
Way to go, Buchholz. We’ll try to give you a little room, and not be too harsh if you falter a bit in your next start, but we are looking forward to VERY GOOD THINGS from you. Okay?
I’ll even forgive you for being called up so that there was no chance I would see you start at my first Pawsox game yesterday. (Holy crap, what a great place to see a game. Even though we got creamed by the Scranton Yankees. Even though our seats were in the middle of the row and the people on the ends didn’t have a firm grasp on the art of letting people by.) Next year we will definitely grab more tickets earlier in the season. And I can’t say that the fun of the day didn’t have anything to do with the family we went with – thanks P, L, A and C for a lovely day!
Junior (and the other two boys) got the Pawsox team baseball cards, so we have the Buchholz card front and center today.