The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Tag: odd

Response to Your Fan Letter

Hey there, Fan!

It was a real thrill receiving your fan letter! As you can imagine, there are days when I get a lot of fan letters, and it is hard to write back to anyone personally because I have that Psychosomatic Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, which is aggravated by actions like responding personally to all my fan mail.

I always thought it would be fun to receive giant bags of mail like you’d see on the Monkees, but it turns out that I haven’t hit that level of fame and fortune yet, so your letter arrived with the normal mail. Kohls is having a 3-day sale and I’m invited, so I should try to hurry up and finish this note so I can go look for my car keys. I normally keep them on the counter but I don’t see them there, and they aren’t in the bathroom so they could be anywhere. Maybe in my purse. Or perhaps still in the car.

Anyhoo.

I hope you don’t mind that I’m sending out a generic response that addresses most of the standard questions and comments that I receive from my many many fans on a nearly regular basis. I apologize if your question or comment is not directly reflected upon in this reply. If it helps, you can replace some of the key terms in this response with something more appropriate for your initial communication. For example, if I say “I like popcorn too!” but your fan letter mentioned cake, you may replace “popcorn” with “cake”. However, if your fan letter discussed most vegetables, you may want to replace popcorn with “food” because that’s a true statement, where “I like brussel sprouts too!” is not.

Hey! I’m so glad you wrote to me! I was sitting around, wondering which wall would be best for putting up another mirror, when the mail arrived. So many questions and comments from a person such as yourself! I do enjoy being me. I think I’m really good at it, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to be me. I don’t think I’ll be in your town any time soon unless you actually live near me, in which case, “cool!”

My favorite crayon color is orange. My favorite fruit? Blueberries. I drive a red car but I have never been stopped for speeding. I do like pets and yours is just swell! Unless your pet has gone to the Rainbow Bridge, in which case I’m very sorry to hear about it. [Why are you writing me a fan letter about your dead pet?]

I do like pizza and roses and funny movies. No, I will not go on a date with you; I’m not that kind of girl/I don’t even know you/I have cooties. I do not dress like a hobo, that’s a pretty insulting thing to say for a “fan!” I’m starting to think I don’t have anything more to say to you unless you were going to offer me a book deal or some kind of maid service, in which case, keep ’em coming!

Very sincerely yours,

The Object of Your Admiration

Wearing of the Hat

When I dropped Junior off at his “before school” care program, a little kid, maybe in the first grade, ran up to him.

“How come you aren’t wearing a hat like mine?” The hat in question was a green plastic leprechaun hat covered with green glitter. It was truly a thing of beauty, probably the nicest green plastic leprechaun hat you can buy at a party store. My son just stared at the boy.

“Where is your hat? And where is your shirt like mine?” Junior was wearing a green shirt, but it did not say “Kiss me I’m Irish” with a fuzzy shamrock in the middle.

“Ya, where is your hat?” I asked my son in an accusatory tone, in support of the short child in front of us.

Junior just looked at me.

“You should be wearing a hat.” The small boy smiled at me.

“I don’t have a hat like that,” Junior explained to him.

“You should totally get one.” I told him as the small boy and I nodded conspiratorially. “It’s a really awesome hat.”

I Have to Start Wearing Hats!

Saw an article on FoxNews.com (I know, I know) that totally enlightened me on how awful my life must be.

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — A judge has brushed off a Connecticut woman’s claim that
L’Oreal Inc. ruined her social life when she accidentally dyed her hair brunette with one of its products.
Charlotte Feeney of Stratford said she can never return to her natural blond hue, a shock that left her so traumatized she needed anti-depressants.
She says she suffered headaches and anxiety, missed the attention that blonds receive and had to stay home and wear hats most of the time.
A Superior Court judge dismissed Feeney’s 2005 lawsuit Monday, saying she never proved her allegation that L’Oreal put brown hair dye in a box labeled as blond. The company also had disputed the claim. Feeney’s attorney, David Laudano, declined to
comment and she could not be reached after the judge’s decision.

I had no idea that my life sucks because I am a natural brunette. I seriously had no idea. I mean, I pretended I was blond that one day, but it wasn’t like I was making a major life change.

So I’m just going to start staying home and wear hates “most of the time.” Because obviously, having brown hair is a horrible, horrible affliction. I did not know this, but any headaches I get from now on, I’m going to just know it’s from brunettitis.

By the way, someone will have to explain to me how a woman who was buying hair dye and using it is concerned that she cannot ever get back to her “natural blond hue”. How natural was her hue if it came from a box? Besides, I’m pretty sure a halfway decent salon could resolve that issue.

Okay, off to go hat shopping!

When Cornered, I Become Increasingly Adorable

I have a lot in common with Sarah Palin, you see at least according to the line of questioning by Katie (Amy Poehler) Couric when she interviewed Sarah (Tina Fey) Palin “for the 4th time”. When cornered, I too become increasingly adorable.

That’s a good thing, right? Everyone loves adorable. Look at how popular Fur Real Pets are. My God, you can own your own baby lion cub! How adorable! I mean, it doesn’t get more adorable than a fake baby lion cub, does it? Unless it’s a fake puppy, but anyone can do a fake puppy. I think the fake baby lion takes the cake. I want to be THAT level of adorable. Maybe at my next meeting I’ll wobble my head a bit and purr. That would do it!

p.s. You iPhone users – http://m.nbc.com/iphone/ for full eps of NBC televsion shows. Woo!

My New Measure of “A Good Day”

If I can say “Well, at least my ass didn’t grow around my toilet seat” I’m having a good day.

My New Measure of "A Good Day"

If I can say “Well, at least my ass didn’t grow around my toilet seat” I’m having a good day.

We Make a Safety Video

Okay, so those of you who have subscribed to the podcast via iTunes will get this one automatically, but for those of you who haven’t (ahem) I will share an .mov version of the movie for you to watch right here.

Now keep in mind that no cows were harmed in the making of this film. Junior was, because his feet went south on him while he was minding his own business standing on ice in the driveway.

Behold, the Cow Racing Safety Video

(I have no idea why this might appear twice in your browser. It is all controlled by Blogger, so blame them.)

Secret Quiz of the Day

Okay, quick, tell me what this is:

click
click
click
click
click
click
click
click
click
click
click
click
click
click
click
click

If you guessed “Mr. Dump playing Guitar Hero with the television muted” you’d be right!

My God, that is just a horrifying treat for the whole family if only one person is playing and the others are surfing the web on their laptops while they sit in the recliner, pondering the meaning of life and re-doing the household budget so that there is a small amount of cash available so that you can eat dinner at Chilis because you have a fierce addiction to their chips and salsa. (Yes, I am reduced to wanting to spend money on chips and salsa. I think that’s better than trying to figure out how to get $400 to buy a replacement video camera, anyway.)

Anyhoo, thank you for playing. And someone promise me that a version of Guitar Hero for Wii will come out with something other than “Legends of Rock” or whatever this is. I hate 80% of the songs on here, and if I have to listen to Miss Murder one more time I’m going to scream. I have an idea. They should come out with a classical guitar version of G.H. You could play like Andres Segovia or something.

What Happens Under the Table Stays Under the Table

Had an interesting few moments at UNO last night for Junior’s birthday dinner. We were sitting in the bar area because Junior and I like to play the trivia game and Mr. Dump wanted to watch the San Diego football game.

For some reason, Step-Junior noticed something under the table that Mr. Dump confirmed was [ewwwww] thong underwear.

There was a thong on the floor under our table.

SO many thoughts on this, I almost had a complete mental shutdown. But in summary, I will stay on the innocent side: how spicy do the buffalo wings have to be that you find yourself removing your underwear to cool off?

And no, we didn’t tell anyone. I wanted the staff to assume they were mine.

I Do Not Make this Up

I will share the question of the day, as posed by Junior when I was talking about the little girl who was born with 4 extra limbs being able to go home.

“What if Britney Spears had a baby she named Spears Spears and it had two faces.”

Well, that is is good question, isn’t it? I’m not sure why we’re discussing Britney, specifically. I’d be interested in discussing anyone who has a baby and gives it a double name and oh, by the way, the baby has two faces.

So there you go. There’s your question of the day.

Here’s my question of the day: Shaws was out of peppermint extract, which is needed for this ultra simple dessert I was going to make. I don’t want to go to a different grocery store the Saturday before a nor’easter because I am not stupid. I went to Shaws before 9am for a reason. What other store do you think might carry peppermint extract?