The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Tag: News

Why the “Local” Paper is a Joke

Our local paper, the Sentinel and Enterprise Sucks. Well, not for Fitchburg, just for Leominster. There is a bias against Leominster that just about anyone you talk to has noticed. A shame since they were the ones who bought out the Leominster Enterprise all those years ago to create a ” Twin Cities”-focused paper. Not any more.

WHY do they hate Leominster? Who knows. The storms the other night caused a fire in Leominster, but you wouldn’t know that from reading the Sentinel’s website. I saw the story on Bostonchannel.com, and it appeared to be just up the street from my house. So yes, of course I’m interested. That storm was big local news! Even when it was being covered on television, the focus was on Leominster, not Fitchburg, because of the path of the storm. So maybe some feelings got hurt? (Trust me, next time there’s a horrible storm, Fitchburg can keep it.)

Thinking they needed an extra day to get the story, I went to their web site today. Nothing about the fire, but they DO have the following top story: Russia Probes Parasailing Donkey Stunt. Please note, dear readers, that this story is covered on the “Local” section of the paper.

Fitchburg Sentinel, this is why you suck and I will not even miss you when you’re gone.

Vacation and the Swan Flu

I think I have swan flu. I’ve been reading about it in the paper, don’t you know. It sounds very bad but in reality, if you have swan flu you cough a lot and want to sleep in on Monday mornings. I have both of those symptoms. I’m very concerned that my swan flu will be catchy, so I am trying to avoid doing yard work, which I believe will make the swan flu worse.

You should thank me for being so concerned about spreading my germs.

Oh, That Would Be My Luck

You know, this is why I don’t go skydiving. You can ask anyone, my sister, my husband…whenever we do something, I’m the one who gets the screwy equipment, or has the weird things happen. So if we all went skydiving, I would be the one with the dead instructor strapped to me.

I feel horrible for both people – especially the poor guy who died at 49(!) but really, that is just the kind of thing that keeps me from jumping out of a plane. Well, that and the fact that I would crap my pants if I had to jump out of a perfectly good plane.

In other airplane news, I finally got around to watching the National Geographic Channel special on Air Force One, and I now officially want to be President of the United States cause I really want to travel on that plane. It is sweeeeeeeeet! And the food looks pretty good too. Sure, there would be the pesky “leader of the free world” job responsibility crap, but it’s got beds! And a nice office for me! And they would give me a jacket with my name embroidered on it!

I Am Available to Take Bribes

I know you are probably figuring that with my recent $150,000 wardrobe enhancement, I’m probably doing pretty well in the cash department. Well, sure, I have $150,000 in enhancements, but you can’t take a pair of shoes down to Chilis for a dish of queso, now, can you? I didn’t think so.

So in the fine tradition of Massachusetts politicians, I am willing to stuff my bra full of any bribe money you want to give me. I’m not exactly sure what you’d be bribing me to do (or not do) but let us not focus on that. Let us focus on the fact that I think the best way for you to provide me with the bribe money is in anything larger than a ten dollar bill. I mean, really, ones? Do I look like a lap dancer to you?

Oh, and by the way, if you are going to take photos of me taking the cash and sticking it in my bra, can you make sure you use a flattering camera angle? The whole “under the table” thing really accents areas of my being that we should probably all just ignore.

Thank you for your bribe. It was a pleasure *cough* doing business with you.

I Have to Start Wearing Hats!

Saw an article on FoxNews.com (I know, I know) that totally enlightened me on how awful my life must be.

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — A judge has brushed off a Connecticut woman’s claim that
L’Oreal Inc. ruined her social life when she accidentally dyed her hair brunette with one of its products.
Charlotte Feeney of Stratford said she can never return to her natural blond hue, a shock that left her so traumatized she needed anti-depressants.
She says she suffered headaches and anxiety, missed the attention that blonds receive and had to stay home and wear hats most of the time.
A Superior Court judge dismissed Feeney’s 2005 lawsuit Monday, saying she never proved her allegation that L’Oreal put brown hair dye in a box labeled as blond. The company also had disputed the claim. Feeney’s attorney, David Laudano, declined to
comment and she could not be reached after the judge’s decision.

I had no idea that my life sucks because I am a natural brunette. I seriously had no idea. I mean, I pretended I was blond that one day, but it wasn’t like I was making a major life change.

So I’m just going to start staying home and wear hates “most of the time.” Because obviously, having brown hair is a horrible, horrible affliction. I did not know this, but any headaches I get from now on, I’m going to just know it’s from brunettitis.

By the way, someone will have to explain to me how a woman who was buying hair dye and using it is concerned that she cannot ever get back to her “natural blond hue”. How natural was her hue if it came from a box? Besides, I’m pretty sure a halfway decent salon could resolve that issue.

Okay, off to go hat shopping!

Request for Journalists

We get it. Every day, gas his a new high, be it in barrels or at the gas station down the street. It’s no longer news, it’s more a persistent buzzing in our ears.

Howzabout this: You report when it hits a new LOW instead. That will be something we all want to hear.

"lost parent" typo on CNN

This was a story about a parrot that was able to provide the authorities it’s name and address. Keen eyes at CNN.com missed the typo shown here.

I like the twist on the lost parent, because that’s a trick used to keep a lost kid calm. You don’t say the kid is lost, you say the parent is lost.

“lost parent” typo on CNN

This was a story about a parrot that was able to provide the authorities it’s name and address. Keen eyes at CNN.com missed the typo shown here.

I like the twist on the lost parent, because that’s a trick used to keep a lost kid calm. You don’t say the kid is lost, you say the parent is lost.

Sad State of Affairs

Over on the Fox news website, they have a list of the “most popular” stories. I found the juxtaposition of these two headlines rather jarring.

I don’t really have anything else to say about this that you probably aren’t already thinking to yourself.

Words I Never Want Associated With Me

Okay, now that we’re over the lady with the toilet seat embedded in her behind, we get this lovely headline:

Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead

I’d rather have my ass absorb my toilet seat.