January 2009 – Page 2 – The Big DumpTruck

My Not-Golden Globe

Posted on January 11, 2009 by Jody

I don’t have a Golden Globe. We do have a globe, but it’s planet-colored. I think most of the countries are right, but I haven’t checked it in a while. I may need to take a Sharpie to a few ne’er-do-well countries – I should have kept a list during the Olympics.

I also did not get any ultra swaggy gift bags. I call foul on that one. I hear you get electronics and pimple cream. Well, I’m basing that entirely on a radio commercial for said pimple cream. I have to suspect that most folks rip through the bags, pull out the Blackberry Storms and iPhone’s and leave the pimple cream on the table near the empty vodka bottles and shrimp flotsam.

I’m glad I didn’t go because I don’t have anything to wear that wouldn’t make the bag lady section of the fashion mags. If I was a super-hot starlet I would try to bring back the Laura Ingalls look. I think hot me could pull it off.

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Shaws Was Not a War Zone

Posted on January 6, 2009February 24, 2010 by Jody

All the locals know we’re expecting “Death Storm 2009” tomorrow. Or maybe “Sprained Ankle Storm 2009”. Something ominous. Something that looks flashy on the news. Operation Snowflake? I’ll keep working on that.

As a rule, if snow is forecast, the grocery stores are ransacked for French toast ingredients (milk, bread, eggs – universalhub.com issues formal French Toast alerts. I use the UH warning system to determine whether or not it’s time to stock up on syrup.

As usual, we haven’t done the weekly shopping yet, and we were out of half and half, an unacceptable situation. Even though we’re at red alert, I have to have coffee in the morning or my address will be in the news by tomorrow night.

I dragged Birthday Boy to the store. On the way, he says I’m only allowed to buy 10 or fewer things so we can go through the fast line. This old game. Sure. I tell him that I will only be buying three things and then we keep picking up more and more stuff and he gets annoyed with me but I am such a great actress I can pretend that I had every intention of only buying three things when I know that is not the case. I deserve an award of some kind.

The parking lot was empty. The store was neat as a pin [what the he’ll does THAT mean?] and fully stocked. Should I assume everyone got an updated weather bulletin. Oh, and for the record – 10 items exactly, and I didn’t even have to count the buy one get one free English muffins as a single item. Of course, that means I did not get to emote. Maybe next time.

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Okay, Fame and Fortune, I’m Ready

Posted on January 3, 2009February 24, 2010 by Jody

I declare 2009 The Year That Jody Has Enough Money to Buy Things and Go on Vacations She Totally Doesn’t Need. That’s right, I’m saying that 2009 needs to be “the year of excess cash”. So, contact me offline and I’ll give you my mailing address so the checks can start coming. It’s not tax deductible, but really, should that make a difference? Think about me, Jody. I don’t own a single pair of cowboy boots. I have never slept in a castle. Seasonal window treatments don’t just buy themselves, my friends. Any leftover cash (HA! HAHA!) will be used to pay down credit card debt. Or to buy a different pair of eyeglass frames for each day of the week.

Thank you for supporting The Year That Jody Has Enough Money.