The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Month: October, 2007

First Person Narrative

Junior has to write an essay over the weekend. His first big-boy homework! The subject is “My First ____”. They had to brainstorm ideas for a topic, then they had to fill in a sheet that basically was a way of drafting the essay. He was actually pretty far along with it already, so I have no doubt this one is in the bag.

His essay is “My First Red Sox Game” which happened to occur a month or so ago. That’s right, my son, the nine year old, had never been to a game, mostly because it’s impossible to get tickets. These were the crappy seats you get for free (one game) when you join Red Sox Nation.

Anyhoo, he and I got to talking about First Person Narratives that you just don’t want to read. He and I started a list, and I will continue it for you.

My First Diaper Rash
The First Time I Ate Peas
My First Poo
The First Time I Watched Blue’s Clues
My First Big Boy Underwear

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Something I Don’t Have

I keep hearing these radio commercials for a company where you can send “your unwanted gold jewelry” and they will pay you for it. So many, many things wrong with this. Where to begin?

Okay, first off, who has unwanted gold jewelry? Even the stuff I don’t love I will hang on to, because, well, it’s gold jewelry. Really, let’s just be honest and say the target audience is people who are very hard up for money and happen to have some that they can sell. Or worst case (and you know this is happening) some little crackhead is stealing from grandma’s jewelry box for drug money.

Now gold has value, and given the quality of it, you can bring it to many jewelers who will weigh the gold and tell you what it’s worth. Some of them will even buy it from you (maybe not for full value – I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been selling my jewelry). And you can go to a pawn shop for the same thing. In both of those cases, you are right there in front of someone making the transaction. At what point do you figure you’ll put three necklaces in an envelope, send it to the radio company, and they’ll pay you for 2 necklaces? They say that all shipments are insured, but how does that work? How can you prove that you sent three? Does the person at the UPS store have to sign something as a witness?

I’m sorry, but does anyone really think that sending something in the mail to the company name advertised on the radio isn’t going to be noticed by anyone handling the envelope? There are dishonest people everywhere. Anyone who has ever heard the commercial is going to know there is gold in the package. I’d say the chances of you getting ripped off (by any definition of the phrase) is pretty high.

So let’s solve that problem. If you have unwanted gold jewelry, you send it to me, and I’ll send you back an autographed photo of me and my dog. Because the autographed photo is priceless, you will definitely be making a good decision to unload all that “unwanted” jewelry in my direction. Oh, and if you have unwanted diamonds or sapphires, I will throw in a 2 minute phone call to your cell phone. I am so giving.

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