The Department of the Division of the Unit of Heat and Humidity.gov has issued the following tips to “beat the heat” during the next two days. These important safety tips should be noted by all and put into immediate use.
- No matter how tempting, do not accept Mel Gibson’s offer of taking a ride in his convertible to cool off, especially if you are not a white Christian male.
- Even if they offer you an extra ten dollars, do not take any job that involves the words “roofing” “road crew” or “lava pit tour guide.”
- If you must spend any time outside, erect an air conditioned tent around yourself.
- Avoid wearing clothes in the following colors of any hue: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, black, white.
- Remove all heat-related songs from your iPod. On a related note, do not listen to the local radio stations as the DJs will be cute and play songs like “Hot, Hot, Hot”.
- Gas up early in the day in case there are heat-related power outages. Remember, plenty of people live in their cars all year round, so you can at least handle an afternoon in yours. That’s why you got that portable DVD player installed in the minivan, right?
- Grind up your meals into a liquid and pour into ice cube trays. Freeze for 2 or more hours. hamburgcicles and iced chicken crunchies are a cool treat.
This should be enough to get you started. Remember, if you are stupid and choose to mow your lawn today or tomorrow, we cannot be held responsible for what happens to you. It’s just a lawn, for goodness’ sake. Are you a mental case?