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Tips to Beat the Heat

The Department of the Division of the Unit of Heat and has issued the following tips to “beat the heat” during the next two days. These important safety tips should be noted by all and put into immediate use.

  1. No matter how tempting, do not accept Mel Gibson’s offer of taking a ride in his convertible to cool off, especially if you are not a white Christian male.
  2. Even if they offer you an extra ten dollars, do not take any job that involves the words “roofing” “road crew” or “lava pit tour guide.”
  3. If you must spend any time outside, erect an air conditioned tent around yourself.
  4. Avoid wearing clothes in the following colors of any hue: red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, black, white.
  5. Remove all heat-related songs from your iPod. On a related note, do not listen to the local radio stations as the DJs will be cute and play songs like “Hot, Hot, Hot”.
  6. Gas up early in the day in case there are heat-related power outages. Remember, plenty of people live in their cars all year round, so you can at least handle an afternoon in yours. That’s why you got that portable DVD player installed in the minivan, right?
  7. Grind up your meals into a liquid and pour into ice cube trays. Freeze for 2 or more hours. hamburgcicles and iced chicken crunchies are a cool treat.

This should be enough to get you started. Remember, if you are stupid and choose to mow your lawn today or tomorrow, we cannot be held responsible for what happens to you. It’s just a lawn, for goodness’ sake. Are you a mental case?


7 thoughts on “Tips to Beat the Heat

  1. Love it. Would add: Don’t live on a hill in south Leominster with no central air and a husband who turns into a bear in the heat. Oops, too late.

  2. Christine, that’s why I gave Mr. Dump a replacement AC for father’s day when ours died. It was that or crowd into Junior’s room.

    Of course, we had to replace HIS this year too. But at least we have them and won’t accidentally die in a pool of our own sweat.

    T.O.M., sure, tell folks it came from here if they ask.

    Bill – I do NOT envy them…

  3. We have one of those stand-up ACs in our bedroom. Since our room is front to back to the entire house, it takes an 8,000 BTU jobbie to get it cool. And a window unit breaks the window. If we don’t run AC, the bedroom quickly gets to 90 degrees-plus. I grew up with central air due to my allergies, and I miss it. Problem is, we have oil heat, and to get central air would be really expensive.

    It’s so bad that dried flower arrangements are curling up. All chocolate has gone into the freezer for fear of melting.

  4. You have chocolate… ?

    Yes. It’s too late once it hits approximately 78.9 degrees. That’s the point of demarcation for “bear syndrome”.

    Add humidity to that “index” and you get the GRumpIndexDump… or, simply, G.R.I.D.

  5. My son went to the concert. He took a gallon of water and survived. I could not believe the backup on Rt 2, SP really messed up. I saw people out of their cars walking around, going into the woods. I had was flash back to Woodstock.

    I made out ok with AC and a jump into SPEC pond every evening.
    That weather reminded me of my early days on this job going down to Austin TX in August all time time. Was 85F at 7am. 100+ later on. You could leave a hot coffee in the car all day, go to your hotel and have it for a drink later and you didn’t have to microwave it.

    South side getting pretty strange with the heat. Some guy rolled his car upside down into Lil’ Peach and the next night someone was off shooting guns at people from behind Leominster House of Pizza. Getting like the Bronx..

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