I think it’s time to come clean with everyone. You have a right to know. It’s hard to talk about so I’ll say it quick, like ripping off a Spider-Man bandage.
I took up a winter sport.
Don’t hate me, okay? I know that my pudgy out-of-shape self has been an inspiration for legions of Dump fans across this great, illegally wire-tapped land of ours. I am famous for my love of curling up by the fire and ignoring anything that requires me to venture outdoors from November through March.
So I apologize.
But I have always been unable to handle peer pressure (okay, that’s a lie but go with me here) and I was forced…FORCED…into this. And I didn’t hate it. I didn’t hate it at all. And I will probably do it again tomorrow.
I took a 1.5 hour ski lesson last Sunday, and lived to tell the tale. Not only that, but I did pretty well. [James Frey Embellishment Alert!] And my instructor, an ex-navy seal on a booze bender who’s legs were both amputated at the hip, recommended me to the head of the ski team. They made me their captain and at the end of my lesson I participated in a giant slalom competition, where I placed 2nd. I would have placed first, but as I was coming down the hill, a small child was chased out of the crowd by a wild boar, and I had to save her before I could cross the finish line. [End Embellishment.] So it was a good day. Wish me luck tomorrow!