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Phantom the Wonder Dog

Okay, can someone here tell me how to speak the following in dog language so my pupster will understand me?

Please stop crapping on the floor. It’s not nice. The living room is not your personal toilet. And while we’re at it, who taught you to jump over the wall of your pen? You’re not supposed to be jumping while the stitches heal. You could get a hernia. We put you in the pen for your own good. Stop escaping in the middle of the night and crapping on the floor. Thank you.

Um, so guess what we’ve been up to?

Oh, and the link to my nano blog is the same as it was before, even though I haven’t written in it for 2 years – you can enjoy walking through the archives while you wait for Nano 2005 to begin. Also, if you are a regular here at the dump (there will be a quiz if you respond to this and I don’t know who you are) and would like write access to the nano blog so you can post too – we can make it a group blog! Just let me know in the comments, and I’ll contact you offline.