The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Slinky

Slinky

Joan: An icon if there ever was one, welcome the official state toy of Pennsylvania… Slinky!

Slinky: Thank you!

Joan: I just couldn’t be more pleased. I’ve been a huge fan for years. And between you and me, you are the real deal. No plastic Slinkies for this journalist!

Slinky: Well, that’s very sweet of you, but I’m really okay with the plastic ones. In my 60 years on the market, I’ve seen a lot come and go, and I’m not worried about plastic. If you want a slinkity sound, though, you have to come to me.

Joan: Sixty years. What do you think makes you so long-lived?

Slinky: I’m pretty sure it has to do with the fact that I’m soothing. I can be very relaxing, don’t you think?

Joan: Well, other than when you get all knotted up…

Slinky: That’s user error! You can’t hold me responsible when people don’t play properly. It’s not my fault if stupid kids throw me around or try to make a necklace out of me.

Joan: Um, well–

Slinky: And then the little animals pull me to see how far I’ll stretch, and get all “boo hoo” when I don’t snap back to my former tight, compact shape. That infuriates me beyond reason. I mean, it’s just like your boobs–

Joan: Excuse me?

Slinky: Your boobs. Look at ’em. You stretch ’em out when you have kids, they aren’t going to snap back. They’re going to hang down around your waistband.

Joan: Are you criticizing my breasts?

Slinky: No, I’m just saying you and I are a lot alike. Stretch and pull me too far and whoomp, I might as well be 50-year-old honkers.

Joan: Hello? I’m not 50!

Slinky: Sure. Anyway, if any of the kids out there want to read more about me, remember to visit the Poof-Slinky, Inc., website.

Joan: Poof-Slinky?

Slinky: Look, don’t go there. I can’t help that the company that owns me now was named Poof. It has nothing to do with me personally, I can tell you that. I am 100% red-blooded American hetero.

Joan: Red-blooded? You’re made out of steel. And you’re a toy… you don’t have a sexual orientation.

Slinky: Riiiiight. How do you think I know so much about saggy breasts?

Joan: But if anything, “fun for a girl and a boy” sort of implies–

Slinky: Look at the time. It’s been lovely chatting with you. Remember kids, I’m available in pretty much every store on planet Earth! Buy me today!

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