Joan: It’s a happy day here at the Daily Probe! We just love apple pie!
Apple Pie: Well golly! Thanks boatloads!
Joan: Whenever someone says to me, “What kind of pie?” I always tell ’em “Give me some American Pie!”
AP: Not to be confused with the Don McLean song, eh?
AP: Uh, the Don McLean song. It’s called American Pie.
Joan: Huh. Really? Hmmm. Maybe that’s why they never know what to bring me. Well anyway, you’re American Pie to me!
AP: I try.
Joan: Let’s get down to the core of the matter. Hee hee! I said core!
AP: That you did.
Joan: What kind of apples.
AP: You mean, which ones make the best pie?
Joan: Bingo. I’ve got a preference, but I defer to your expertise.
AP: Courtland. A real apple pie uses Courtland.
Joan: AHA! That’s what I say too!
AP: If you are going to use a Mac, you may as well use apple sauce cause that’s what you’ll end up with.
Joan: I hear you.
AP: And those fancy-pants gourmands who use granny smith apples are just showoffs. If you want a good, old-fashioned, just-like-grandma made apple pie, buy courtlands. Any other apples and don’t come running to me if someone turns you in to the office of Homeland Security.
Joan: That bad?
AP: This isn’t France. This is America. We put little toothpick flags on our desserts at Denny’s. We like our pie, and we want it made the way God intended.
Joan: Here here!
AP: [Starts to hum the Star Spangled Banner]
Joan: I don’t know about you, but all this patriotism has really made me hungry. Can you stay for lunch?
AP: I’d love to!
Joan: Great! I’ll go get a fork!