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The New Nickel

DP: We are so very excited to be speaking with you today! This is a big coup for the Daily Probe over mainstream media.

Nickel: Yeah. Okay. Sure

DP: Uh, I sense you’re not happy.

Nickel: If you’re happy to meet me, you’re the first.

DP: I’m shocked!

Nickel: Oh, please. Like anyone in the United States thought there was anything wrong with the old nickels. Nickels are the new penny. People can’t be bothered to pick one up. You would rather throw away the can than rinse it and bring it to the store to get the deposit back.

DP: Well, that can’t be everyone, can it?

Nickel: Enough people. I’m getting it from all sides — folks screaming about how unnecessary the change was, that the expense wasn’t justified.

DP: But you’re saying it was? Can you turn so I can get a better look? Oh. Uh huh. Uh huh. So what is that, two guys shaking hands after a round of golf?

Nickel: What?

DP: Golf. Are those golf clubs?

Nickel: What is wrong with you? I am part of the “Westward Journey” nickel series. I represent the Louisiana Purchase! Can you not read?

DP: But those look just like golf clubs!

Nickel: They most certainly are not. That’s a tomahawk and a pipe.

DP: How can you tell that’s a tomahawk?

Nickel: That’s what they tell me.

DP: Oh. Okay, not golf clubs.

Nickel: Do you know anything about the Louisiana Purchase?

DP: We bought it from Native Americans?

Nickel: No, the French!

DP: Then should the tomahawk be a baguette?

Nickel: Are you about done? You’re just as bad as the people who keep mistaking me for a Canadian coin. Are they mad?

DP: No?

Nickel: Apparently. I’m as American as … as … the Louisiana Purchase!

DP: One more thing: I see on the U.S. Mint’s website that this picture depicts a handshake between a Native American and a European-American. Is this actually a historic first use of the term European-American outside of the comedy club circuit?

Nickel: Really, it says that? European-American? God, no wonder I get no respect.