The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Month: January, 2004

I knew it Was a Bad Idea

I got all ambitious and decided to buy some tortillas at the grocery store tonight (why yes, I did get my Superbowl shopping done tonight so I wouldn’t have to deal with the rest of humanity this weekend, on, let’s face it, the first of the month when all the government checks get direct deposited. Having survived on unemployment for most of 2002 and half of 2003, I certainly do not look down my nose at those who rely on those checks. However, I don’t like to share the aisles and cash registers with not only the Superbowl shoppers but the folks doing a month’s worth of grocery shopping.

Anyway, I got the tortillas because they were on sale, and I picked up some shredded Mexican cheese (some blend, I don’t know if it’s as good as just plain old Monterey jack), picante sauce and sour cream. The picante (“New York City!”) sauce and sour cream were needed for the frozen Taquitos I bought for our Superbowl snacking pleasure. But I decided to use some of the leftover cooked chicken I had at home to make some quesadillas. Cause they make them at lunch sometimes and the chicken and sweet onion quesadillas are my new favorite food in the cafeteria.

I was doing well until I opened the jar of picante sauce we had left in the fridge and SLICED MY THUMB OPEN WITH A HUNK OF DRIED SALSA-STUFF ON THE EDGE OF THE JAR. Oh ya, that is EXACTLY what I was hoping would happen. See? I try to actually cook dinner, and cook something I’ve never cooked before, and I end up on injured reserve.

Granted, the quesadilla was top notch, but was it worth the Arthur Band-Aid I’m now sporting?

Um, ya.

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Dear IT Department Mail Server Guys

Thanks for the heads-up, but I didn’t send anyone at your organization an email with a virus. There is nobody named “Jack” or “Dan” at my domain. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but these things spoof headers, sort of like spam.

Do me a favor and turn off the “autoreply” function until this is all over, would you? I’m getting as many of the stupid bounce messages (real ones, not the faked virus containing ones) as I am getting the virus. Don’t complain about the amount of bandwidth this is taking up until you realize that you are contributing to it in a 1:1 ratio.

This goes to my ISP as well. Do you REALLY think I don’t have virus protection software and I sent myself a copy of the virus? Someone somewhere had my email address on their system, and that person was goofy enough to open an infected attachment. Suddenly my domain is free to be used by the stupid virus. Thanks loads. I enjoy clearing out my inbox every 20 minutes.

Just turn off the autoresponder, nobody out there really believes “Jim from Amazon.com” sent them a copy of the virus. And if they think it, they probably think it’s okay to click on random attachments in emails.

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Happy Thoughts

In an effort to cheer me up (because I read web sites as if the owner was writing to me and only me), James Lileks posted this gem today:

“I should note that I rarely buy books – I work at a newspaper, which is a cornucopia of free reading material. You cannot imagine the heaps of stuff shoveled from the book room every day. I always want to take young writers to the book room and show them the mountains of books – unread, to say nothing of unreviewed. This is what you’re up against. And this doesn’t included the sixty billion paperbacks printed every year, half of which are pulped and set to Japan to make toilet paper. That’s right: the end result of most American author’s labors ends up hanging on a roll in a karaoke bar in a Tokyo suburb.”

Oh, hey, thanks! That’s what I needed to inspire me! I should point out that his own books (save the Regrettable Food one) are out of print which stinks because it’s been a pain in the arse for me to track them down to buy them. And I have, at least two of them.

So combine the toilet paper thing with him confirming that store clerks judge me based on things I buy. Great. The day I swung into Shaws to ONLY purchase items for Junior to take to Kindergarten AND daycare for his birthday treats…oh fantastic. Two trays of mini cupcakes and a couple of boxes of donut holes? Would you like anything in a salt to go with that sugar and fat? I hope I didn’t throw a National Enquirer on the belt with those items, but I might have. “Yes, cashier-person, I do have quite the evening planned!”

I had a great idea for a book that I was going to have to self-publish (which is an entirely different beast these days, very little outlay for the author) because nobody in their right mind would want to publish it, but I decided I didn’t want to write that book. Too close to home. Too much potential to get all serious and stuff. I have to come up with something else – my goal is to write it and then do the self-publish thing because then I can say “Yes, I wrote a book” and it takes the pressure off for the second one. Right?

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Dry Skin? You’re Soaking in It!

I approached myself carefully…I didn’t want to startled any of my cells. I thought I had the upper hand but my skin had the last laugh. No matter how much lotion I applied, my skin remained itchy and dry, with a big ugly smirk on its face.

Eucerin, you are no match for MY winter skin! With weeks of subzero temps and what felt like negative humidity, I think we’re all lucky to not become spontanious combustion victims.

“What happened to Jim?”

“He scooted his butt over on the couch to let Diane sit down and burst into flames. He was so dry he just went up in seconds.”

If I were rich I would designate one bathtub in my mansion to be kept full of lotion, and twice a day I’d just jump in for a quick pick-me-up.

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Weather Conspiracy Theory

I have a theory. You see, a few days ago we had warnings from the National Weather Goons that there was a big storm coming. Over a foot in some areas – maybe pushing 2 feet. Ooooh, a storm! A storm! We’d better go stock up at the grocery store, it’s a french toast emergency!

Except it didn’t snow. Well, it snowed…is snowing…but when I got up today expecting my damned foot of snow, there was what we like to call “a dusting”. About the amount of powdered sugar you put on gingerbread. You could remove it from the car with one deep breath.

So here’s my theory…the local grocery stores are in cahoots with the National Weather Cartel.

Shaws: Hello, Weather People?

WP: Yes, it’s us, the weather people.

Shaws: Ya, we’ve got an aisle full of bread that expires on Thursday. What can you give us?

WP: Well, would a foot of snow work for you?

Shaws: Perfect. Can you start the predictions early so we get an extra day of panic in?

WP: Sure! You want wind or ice to go with that?

Shaws: No, snow is enough. If you predict ice some folks will be too afraid to leave the house for fear of getting caught in it.

WP: Gotcha. So we’ll predict 12-20 inches of snow, and over the next few days we’ll reduce the predicted amounts to 2-4 inches.

Shaws: Great! I’ll have Hood drop off extra cases of milk too.

Some of us go to the grocery store because we have to…because we’re out of bananas or cheese or those little cups of peaches that Junior likes to take in his lunch. I do not need to deal with you people who need 17 bags of groceries to “get through” a day of snow.

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Gotta Do Some Writing

A billion years ago I wrote here that my favorite quote was by Margaret Atwood. “Potential has a shelf life.”

I think this birthday – the one that snuck up on me (because for sure I cannot be a day older than 31, can I?) – is the date on my potential’s “use by” sticker.

I’d better hurry up and use my potential before it starts to smell.

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Calendar Girl

I’m looking forward to January to be over (for oh, so many reasons) primarily because I’m ready for the next picture on my calendar.

It’s an okay picture, a small farmhouse in rural Connecticut (so says the description). It’s evening – night really – and the eaves are filled with icicles. There are candles (electric) burning in the windows, and a single light aimed at the front door. What bothers me is that I’m not sure where the light is. There’s like a melty hole in the snow where the light might be…should be. But there is light shining on the back of the hole, away from the door, that I don’t think would be there if the floodlight were buried in a snow hole. Not the say this isn’t the case. So now I think there’s a light somewhere else, aimed down at the house and the snow hole. The whole damned thing doesn’t work for me. Only half the house is lit. Are you telling me there were no other farmhouses with sleds outside the front door? You couldn’t PUT a sled next to a farmhouse? Shoot the photo earlier in the day?

You can see why I’m looking forward to next week.

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Ratzen Fratzen Winter

Is there a reason I had to be born in the winter? I suppose it’s too late now to do anything about it, but is it too much to ask for a birthday with temps in the 70s and light tropical breezes? Oh sure, I could get that if I were in the south, but I can’t pull that off on a Tuesday, you know?

And now they are saying we’re going to get a foot of snow or so between tomorrow and Wednesday. Fantastic. I wanted to have to deal with that instead of, oh, say, going out to dinner, or whatever. Actually, it was/is going to be whatever because everyone in my life is busy tomorrow. No, it’s not some elaborate plan to fool me with a surprise party. Mr. Dump is on a business trip (he made me a cake and we did that on Saturday because he left at 6am Sunday), my sister has a meeting at her son’s school, and my parents have to babysit while she’s at that meeting. Boo! Hiss! I was going to go along with my parents just for the company, but not in the snow. *sigh*

I will say that Sister-person and best friend-person took me out to Il Forno last night and I did some damage, baby. I like special occasions because it’s an excuse to order off the dessert tray. Turtle cheesecake, come to Mama!

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I thought this was funny

This was something I spotted yesterday and I did a screen grab. I meant to post it for you but I’ve been out of this world busy.

So here’s what’s amusing. It implies that it’s 30 degrees warmer where I live than where I work, a mere 20 or so miles away. For the record, the temp listed for home is dead wrong.

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Short Reviews

Okay, no lengthy, intellectual detail here. Just some thoughts on a few things.

1. Dave the Barbarian (Disney Channel) – good stuff. I have a new favorite word that I may use out of context. Dave combined mayonaise and mustard and called it “Mayotard”. What a bloody unbelievable word.

2. The Daily Show – My God, what will I do if this goes off the air? There is nothing better on television today. I just thought I’d mention it.

3. Arrested development – Jason Bateman is amazing. I mean, I had no idea. Love the show, wish it was an hour. Give yourself 2 weeks or so to just get used to the rhythms, etc. It’s not your typical sitcom.

4. Two and a Half Men – right now this show and Arrested Development are my only two “must watch” shows, and I end up watching little mini marathons from the Tivo because I don’t watch much “grownup tv” these days. Tonight I only got one episode in before Junior’s interst left what he was doing.

5. Survivor – I stopped watching regularly back in Africa. The one I watched all of was Australia – can I tell you how psyched I am to see Colby again on a weekly basis? And Rudy and Susan from the first one…this is going to be GREAT television. Too bad Mike (the guy who took the header into the fire) isn’t playing. I always thought he had it in the bag (until that horrible moment) and I wanted him to have another chance.

That’s it for now…

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