Lawn Gnome

J: So, Lawn Gnome, are you ready for fall?

Lawn Gnome: As ready as I ever am. It's not always a fun time of year, but at least it's better than winter.

J: You're not a fan?

LG: Well, you stand outside buried in snow for three months and tell me how fun it is.

J: Um, no thanks.

LG: And let us not forget the year they put a little Santa hat on me. Man oh man, that chapped my hide.

J: So no Santa hats, then?

LG: And for God's sake if you were thinking of draping me with Christmas lights, I will find a way to hurt you. I don't know how or when, but I will find a way.

J: You're a lot angrier than I expected. You have such a happy little face.

LG: It's my gargoyle lineage. I've got my dad's looks, but my mom's personality.

J: Do you find one is better than the other? Gargoyles vs. Gnomes, I mean.

LG: Oh God yes. Gargoyles have a reputation of being much, much cooler. The whole Goth thing. Cher filled catalogs with them. My uncle was a model for a wall sconce she featured in a spring catalog. And don't forget Disney put a couple of Gargoyle characters in the Hunchback movie. Really upped their street cred with the kids. I mean really, what do you think of when you think of lawn gnomes?

J: Uhhhh...

LG: No, go ahead, you can't hurt my feelings.

J: Well, old people. Trailer parks.

LG: Exactly. Old people and trailer parks. As opposed to castles and the world's greatest cathedrals. I rest my case. They get stained glass windows to look at, and I get the ass end of a bendover.

J: Yikes.

LG: Exactly. You can see why I'm such a happy guy.

J: Well, you look happy. I guess now we all know better.

LG: You don't know the half of it.

J: Thank you, Lawn Gnome.

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Copyright 20042007 Jody M. LaFerriere, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission from The Daily Probe