The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Category: Open Letters

Response to Your Fan Letter

Hey there, Fan! It was a real thrill receiving your fan letter! As you can imagine, there are days when I get a lot of fan letters, and it is hard to write back to anyone personally because I have that Psychosomatic Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, which is aggravated by actions like responding personally to all […]


Open Letter to the US Mint

Dear US MINT I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know that you can ease up on the pennies. I’ve got way too many of them. I’ve got enough to last me for the rest of my life, to be honest. Plus, they are only worth a penny each, so it […]


Open Letter to Martha Stewart

Dear Martha Stewart, I hope I’m not interrupting anything particularly urgent. I assume you’re taking a short break now that the holidays are over. You do seem to have a lot going on at the holidays. Does anyone ever invite YOU over? Anyhoo, I know that there are a lot of people taking up your […]


Open Letter to My Lawn

Dear Lawn Okay, let’s cut with the attitude, shall we? We started the season as friends. You were green and growing, and we watered and mowed you and said things like “Wow, it looks like a golf course, doesn’t it?” just to make you feel good about yourself. Then due to your primary caregiver’s horrendous […]


Open Letter to The Ice Cream Man

Dear Ice Cream Man, Imagine that you are an alcoholic. Okay, now imagine that every day at about 7:30pm a truck full of nips and frozen drinks heads down your street. Imagine that it plays “100 Barrels of Beer on the Wall” very loudly, to let you know that it is coming. Imagine that you […]