The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Things We Said at KFC

My kid and I stopped by KFC in town. They normally suck at a molecular level when you go inside, so we tried the drive-through.

Here are some things actually said in the car during our adventure.

  • How does “grilled” anything serve as a valid substitute for extra crispy?”
  • How many legs and thighs do you need to order to equal the meat in a 2-piece breast meal?
  • Oh my God, the woman working the drive thru window is walking across the parking lot!
  • We’re going to be sitting here the rest of our lives. “So, what’s it like, living in a KFC parking lot?”
  • She’s taking so long they’re going to run out of legs. At that point, I’m going to kill her.
  • You could stab her in the neck with a soldering iron. And then turn it on.

    • Best worst wait ever.

4 Comments by on September 23, 2011
filed in humor, parenting

Peeing Like a REAL MAN

I love the people on my project team. I cannot express in words how much I love them all. Friday, 4 of us were stuck in a tiny conference room, and topics ranged from giant horrible spiders, how to properly poach an egg, farting, and whether ladies rooms are dirtier than men’s rooms. These are pretty typical topics, by the way. The men’s room topic morphed into a discussion about how great it would be if women could stand up to pee (it would be) and my project sponsor mentioned he’d heard a story on the radio about a product that helps women pee standing up. Of course, that became the most important thing ever.

I let one co-worker get so far as typing “Female Urination” into his work laptop’s Google search before we pointed out that pressing Enter would cause every security person in the building to come bursting through the door. I pulled up search on my iPhone – the single greatest reason to own a smartphone on the planet is to be able to do searches without invoking the “red corporate security screen of death”.

We found the product in question – the “Go Girl“. At the time, Amazon had it for $4. How could I NOT buy one for $4? Plus Amazon Prime’s $3.99 overnight shipping meant I’d have it today. Oh, yes. Yes indeed.

UPS dropped off the package before I was even out of bed this morning. My room is over the back door, and I heard my friendly UPS driver yell out “UPS!” and I knew it was my lucky day. Sent the boy to fetch the package and ripped into it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That looks vaguely, um.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here is the booty: a plastic storage bag (for after you use it), two squares of toilet paper (obviously, not enough) and taa-daa, the Go Girl.

 

I don’t have photos of me using it, but I did use it, right before I took a shower. It was weird. It worked fine; no, uh, spillage. It would be awkward to have to do something with it immediately after use (“excuse me while I put this urine-covered silicone funnel in my purse.”) The real test will be trying to use it while I’m dressed. I’m tempted to go out in the woods with it, to simulate a real-world scenario. It would probably be good to have friends giving me beer and encouraging me – you can’t get more real-world than that.

1 Comment by on September 17, 2011
filed in coolness, humor, photos, stuff

All Ellen, All the Time

According to fans of Ellen Sojka. Lifetime, Discovery Channel and for some reason, the TV Guide Channel, are in a rabid bidding war over who will get the rights to show

Ellen: All Day, Every Day (Except Wednesday. At 2:30).

Ellen Sojka, a Littleton MA native, seemed surprised to learn about all the attention, stating, “I can’t talk on the phone right now, I have to cut my hair.”

We believe this refers to Ellen Sojka’s recent hair style change, according to published reports found on Tumblr: http://jodysays.tumblr.com/post/10141575157/ellen-sojka-sets-new-trend.

Once she hung up the phone we were unable to reach Ms. Sojka for additional comments or photos.

No Comments by on September 13, 2011
filed in humor, stuff
tagged ,

The Never-Ending Battle Against Evil

There are many battles that are fought on an hourly or daily basis in my life. The battle to get out of bed in the morning. The battle to get my kid to do his homework. Or acknowledge that he even has homework, which is actually step zero to battling him to do his homework. Or the battle to stop leaving socks in the living room. Or to stop using the laundry basket to store clean clothes.

But the most stupid ongoing battle in my house? Put the jar of pasta sauce in the fridge after you are done with it. Look, that’s a $2.50 jar of sauce and we only used half of it, and if you don’t put the leftovers in the fridge our $4 dinner turns into a $5.50 dinner and I CAN’T HAVE THIS HAPPEN OVER AND OVER AGAIN LIKE SOME FREAKISH RAGU-BRANDED NIGHTMARE!

So, I’m not saying this post was triggered by anything in particular, but there is an open jar of sauce on the counter and I think you know what that means. War.

Quick, someone send me a disguise kit, some C-5 (C-4 isn’t enough for this task) and a bag of that margarita mix that you just put in the freezer and then a couple of hours later you totally have a bag full of frozen happiness. I have to go battle some evil.

No Comments by on September 12, 2011
filed in complaint department, parenting

BDT Report: Timekeeper Praised for Her Clock Skills

Ellen Sojka, official timekeeper for the Littleton Tigers 7th grade football game on Saturday, was the star of the show. Her timekeeping skills were praised not only by friends and family, but by the booth. Also, it was noted that game officials were using HER time as official time, showing a great respect for her accuracy. Ms. Sojka has been asked to maintain these duties for the rest of the season, as nobody has done nearly as good a job.

Ellen RULES!

[My niece  is looking for a little search engine love because her brother gets more hits for his name than she does for hers so I am adding some stories about her so that the world will see these if they search for her name.]

No Comments by on September 6, 2011
filed in coolness, Uncategorized

We’re Alive and Well

Irene is filling my yard with water and leaves, but nothing more dangerous than that. I did take a video of our sump pump with my iPhone, just to show you how much water is pouring into my basement right now.

Soon, we will start eating our emergency food supplies, burning candles and using anything that requires AA batteries. Just because we can. I think we can make the switch from the local news to the marathon of Power Rangers movies that Fox Movie Channel is featuring today. I mean, if anything is going to make one feel better about the current weather situation, it’s knowing that you don’t have to worry about Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd as long as the Power Rangers are on the job!

For those of you looking for exciting video, I present a brief video of my sump pump saving my basement.

No Comments by on August 28, 2011
filed in stuff, video
tagged , ,

I Like Free Eggs

My sister has chickens. They lay eggs. She gives me eggs. I really appreciate her chickens and their awesome egg-laying skillz.

Deb's Chickens

No Comments by on August 18, 2011
filed in Uncategorized

BDT Report: Littleton Native Saves Lives

Ellen T. Sojka of Littleton MA has saved the lives of countless bugs and flies by letting them out of the house instead of killing them the way her heartless brother (who shall remain unnamed so this will not show up under him in search engines) squishes them. That is because Ellen is a wonderful human being who is way more special than anyone else in her family.

No Comments by on July 9, 2011
filed in coolness, Uncategorized

Response to Your Fan Letter

Hey there, Fan!

It was a real thrill receiving your fan letter! As you can imagine, there are days when I get a lot of fan letters, and it is hard to write back to anyone personally because I have that Psychosomatic Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, which is aggravated by actions like responding personally to all my fan mail.

I always thought it would be fun to receive giant bags of mail like you’d see on the Monkees, but it turns out that I haven’t hit that level of fame and fortune yet, so your letter arrived with the normal mail. Kohls is having a 3-day sale and I’m invited, so I should try to hurry up and finish this note so I can go look for my car keys. I normally keep them on the counter but I don’t see them there, and they aren’t in the bathroom so they could be anywhere. Maybe in my purse. Or perhaps still in the car.

Anyhoo.

I hope you don’t mind that I’m sending out a generic response that addresses most of the standard questions and comments that I receive from my many many fans on a nearly regular basis. I apologize if your question or comment is not directly reflected upon in this reply. If it helps, you can replace some of the key terms in this response with something more appropriate for your initial communication. For example, if I say “I like popcorn too!” but your fan letter mentioned cake, you may replace “popcorn” with “cake”. However, if your fan letter discussed most vegetables, you may want to replace popcorn with “food” because that’s a true statement, where “I like brussel sprouts too!” is not.

Hey! I’m so glad you wrote to me! I was sitting around, wondering which wall would be best for putting up another mirror, when the mail arrived. So many questions and comments from a person such as yourself! I do enjoy being me. I think I’m really good at it, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to be me. I don’t think I’ll be in your town any time soon unless you actually live near me, in which case, “cool!”

My favorite crayon color is orange. My favorite fruit? Blueberries. I drive a red car but I have never been stopped for speeding. I do like pets and yours is just swell! Unless your pet has gone to the Rainbow Bridge, in which case I’m very sorry to hear about it. [Why are you writing me a fan letter about your dead pet?]

I do like pizza and roses and funny movies. No, I will not go on a date with you; I’m not that kind of girl/I don’t even know you/I have cooties. I do not dress like a hobo, that’s a pretty insulting thing to say for a “fan!” I’m starting to think I don’t have anything more to say to you unless you were going to offer me a book deal or some kind of maid service, in which case, keep ‘em coming!

Very sincerely yours,

The Object of Your Admiration

1 Comment by on June 18, 2011
filed in humor, Open Letters
tagged , , , , ,

Items From My Current To-Do List

For those who want to be me, here’s a current to-do list to copy into your own palm pilot or hipster PDA.

  • Process 1700+ photos from 13: The Musical and upload them to maplebarnphoto.com for the nice parents of the nice children who entertained us this weekend
  • Put away the suitcase from my January trip to Florida
  • Decide which week in August to take a vacation
  • Check budget to see if you can afford August vacation
  •  Decide what to do during August vacation
  • Laundry, still and again
  • Write a poem about Jesus Toast
  • Wash the mound of bird shit off the car
  • Lose 50 pounds
  • Get a blood test
  • Throw out all the stuff that’s been in the freezer for more than a year. That would cover everything but the container of ice cream, some Thin Mints, and a package of frozen blueberries.
  • Face the fact that it’s
  • Start my next to-do list
1 Comment by on June 8, 2011
filed in humor, lists
tagged
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