The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

Coming Clean

I need to get something off my chest. It’s been bothering me for decades now, and that’s not good. But I have decided coming clean will free me up to be guilty about other aspects of my life.

I have a degree in English. It’s actually an English Lit degree with a minor in writing, based on what I studied. Sounds impressive, huh? I wanted a degree in creative writing, but couldn’t afford any of the colleges that offered that degree. Specifically Emerson. Oh how I wanted to go to Emerson.

So I spent four years at a private Catholic college deep in the heart of Connecticut, studying prose and poetry. I have the paperwork that proves I did.

However, I know nothing about literature. I know what I like to read, but I don’t know why I like it. I don’t know anything. I can’t believe I faked my way through college like that. I couldn’t tell you why the Great Novels are great. I don’t even like most of Shakespeare. I suck at English Lit.

Because I have this degree and I feel like certain things are expected of me, especially when I write. That’s the part that throws me into a panic. I keep thinking that having this degree should make me a better writer, but I don’t think it does. I fear it doesn’t. I don’t even like to talk with people who are actually good at this stuff because it’s so intimidating to me. How did I get through four years of college learning to analyze literature and not like good literature? I don’t even have drugs to blame this on, as I am clean as a whistle. I mean, I’m betting the Pope has smoked more pot than I have (which is none).

So the funny thing about this is that I used to write a lot of poetry. I edited my college’s literary magazine my junior and senior years. And get this! I have actually had a poetry reading (with a professor of mine and a friend of his) in a real live bookstore in Hartford. My parents even drove down for that one, which was fun because it was an “alternative lifestyle” bookstore run by some ex-nuns. This was 1987 or so, and I think my parents were shell-shocked, but maybe not.

So even as I’m being asked to participate in a public reading of my poetry, I’m convinced it’s absolute shit, because I cannot tell if it is or not. I like what I’ve written, but I like a lot of things that aren’t good. I enjoy crappy romance novels like there is no tomorrow. I find slogging through most of Dickens a chore (I enjoy the movie versions, though). I have no idea if my poetry is any good, and I’m afraid to find out. One of the other poets had written stuff that sounded completely alien to me. Where his poems good? I have no freaking idea. I didn’t think so, but I think he’d had books published, and I was selling computers, so who was I to judge with my unjustly-earned lit degree?

15 years ago, I actually had my own e-zine called “Block Lines”. Remember those? I was so cool. I published poetry I liked (and some of my own, but other people’s poetry as well.) I don’t know if I was a good editor (I didn’t really edit, I just selected what to publish) but it seemed like a hip, happening way to get some of my work out there. I had a lot of fun with it until I got pregnant and exhausted and put it on hiatus. For 15 years.

Every year as my birthday gets closer, I get a burst of inspiration to write, and this year, for the first time in a decade, I’ve been writing poetry again. I’m not going to share it here because I’m still too terrified that it’s crap. Well, I’m not terrified that it’s crap, I’m terrified that YOU will find out it’s crap.

So that’s what I wanted to come clean about. I’m a possibly crappy writer who can’t use the skills her degree should have given her to validate one way or the other the quality of her writing. There. I’ll start to feel better any minute now.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go write a crappy poem about how this makes me feel.

1 Comment by on January 20, 2012
filed in complaint department, writing
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So You Want To Be a Superhero

Welcome to lesson one of the self-paced training session “So You Want To Be a Superhero”. This course consists of 25 lessons, which should be completed in numbered order. You should never attempt to jump to Lesson 15, Stopping a Moving Vehicle with Your Feet” until after you complete Lesson 5, “Verifying Your Personal Strength Limits” and Lesson 9, “Are You Invincible?”

WE CANNOT STRESS HIGHLY ENOUGH THAT SKIPPING LESSONS MAY CAUSE BLISTERING, HEARING LOSS AND/OR DEATH.

Also, lesson-skippers will be blacklisted at the Justice League of America and superhero employment opportunities will simply not be available to you.

Lesson 1: Introduction to Superheroing

Many people who sign up for this class are under the mistaken impression that just about anyone can be a superhero. Nothing could be further from the truth. Not everyone can be a superhero. Some people can’t even be heroes without proper adult supervision.

Here are some questions we would like you to consider before you continue on with your lessons:

Am I Likable?
While not a requirement, it really does help you run your superhero empire if people naturally like you. If you are hateable, people will question your motives, and are likely to try to sue you for the damage you’ll do in the line of duty. Put a whole in a building to stop bank robbers and a likable hero will get a medal. An unlikable one will get a bill for repairs.

 What is My Motivation?
Did bad guys do you wrong? Are you trying to avenge something? Or are you taking this class because you hate math and thought it would be a good way to get on television? Being a superhero is not easy. You’re never fully off duty. You want to go on vacation to the Grand Canyon? You’ll probably spend your time there preventing some villain from trying to fill it with quick-drying cement.

How will I look in Spandex?
This question should not be ignored. Superheroes are attention magnets. You will receive lots of press exposure, and looking good is part of the gig. Nobody wants to be rescued by a guy with a beer belly stretching the limits of his uniform. Are you willing to commit to do the work it takes to keep the spandex lump-free?

 Do You Overheat Easily?
How do you handle warm weather? Do you sweat a lot, get a red face and just generally feel miserable when you get warm? Go get a refund on this course right now. Almost all superheros have alter-egos to hide their true identity. Those alter-egos are nice normal people who wear nice normal clothing. You, however, will be wearing the equivalent of long underwear under your street clothes 24 hours a day. Do you know how hot that can get? Try putting on a shirt and pants over that uniform. Layers suck in the summer. You cannot get away from it, because you need to be in uniform at a moment’s notice. Sure, some superheroes decide to just forgo the alter-ego and be in uniform all the time. They don’t get a single moment’s peace. Everyone needs something every minute of the day.

Are You Prepared to Trust No One?
Nobody but nobody is trustworthy. Your girlfriend? She’s been mind-controlled by your nemesis. Your parents? They have been infected with a toxic mind mold by the League of Doom. Your “best friend”? He’s turned to the dark side and become the Green Goblin. You can never really fully trust anyone. Maybe even the people teaching this course.

Think about it.

2 Comments by on January 10, 2012
filed in coolness, humor, lists, writing
tagged , , , ,

2011, You Were A Good One

It’s nearly the end of the universe. 2012 and certain death looms, according to the Mayans, people known for accurate end-of-the-world predictions since, um, well, you know.

Hey, it could happen. Or it could have happened yesterday. The good thing is that it reminds us all to try to live life to the fullest, because you only have a set amount of time to enjoy the party. Whether its a silly Mayan prediction, people standing in the desert waiting for aliens to return, or the number 98 bus, we’ve all got a cosmic sleep number.

I’m not saying this is an excuse to shit-can all your responsibilities. It’s not. However, if your choices are to go outside and look for a rainbow after a freak storm versus not being able to leave the house until you’ve cleaned the oven, you may not be living up to your full potential.

I took some brave (for me) steps this year. I took on three photography jobs from which I would have normally run screaming. I signed up for two dating sites, and actually reached out to men instead of just waiting for them to find me. I went on my first first date in 20 years. I became someone’s girlfriend. I refinanced my house so it’s all my responsibility now. I’m allowing myself to realize I am worthy of love and affection, and damn it, I can be sexy. If I’m not happy, I’d better take action because nobody but me is responsible for my happiness.

2012 has a lot of potential. I plan to travel more, write more, photograph more and laugh more. I am going to try to be a bit more financially responsible, and less irresponsible with my housekeeping. But no promises on either one of those. It is 2012 after all, and I suppose the Mayans could be right about this one thing. If not, there’s always 2013 to clean up the mess.

1 Comment by on December 29, 2011
filed in stuff

Christmas Music Purchases: 2011 Edition

I own a ton of Christmas music. I will not apologize for it. I used to have a page on the site that documented it all, with links to Amazon. Back when people used to care about me, my link was on page 1 of the Google results for Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack. THAT was how much I ruled the universe.

These days, people don’t need me to find that CD. But, I still have many many (many) fans sitting in their dark and dirty rooms, lit only with the light of a laptop monitor, the buzzing of traffic their only companions, wondering: “For baby Jesus’ sake, WHAT CHRISTMAS MUSIC DID JODY ADD TO HER COLLECTION THIS YEAR??!!”

I will only document complete albums, not individual songs, unless the individual songs are kick-ass. Actually, I’ve downloaded so much free stuff that I don’t know which individual songs are kick-ass yet. (Please, before time runs out, check out the Amazon MP3 site for their 25 free songs – maybe one of them will appeal to you?)

Albums/CDs I purchased this year, in no particular order:

  • Christmas Remixed: Holiday Classics Re-grooved
  • Christmas Cheer – Straight No Chaser
  • Cello Music For Christmas – The Christmas Cello
  • Merry Flippin’ Christmas Vol 1 and 2 – Bowling for Soup
  • This is Christmas – Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler

So the musical Christmas spirit is alive and well Chez Dump. Keep on singing!

2 Comments by on December 21, 2011
filed in coolness, lists

Ho Ho Ho Hum

Dear Jody,

What the hell? You love Christmas. You love everything about it. You have a blood-lust for Christmas music. Your iPod currently has 800+ holiday songs on it. You love twinkly stuff, anything snowman-shaped, and literally ANYTHING that lights up. Christmas is all about that stuff. So what’s going on? Why are there no Department 56 Houses set up? Where is the Lego train that it took two people a million hours to assemble? Where are the damned decorations and the angel on the tree?

I’m going to give you 20 minutes to write another post that oozes holiday spirit. This funk you’re in? Cut it the hell out. You’re better than that. WAY better than that. The things you think are missing from your Christmas? You’re imagining all that. So get your head out of your ass and Christmas the hell out of your life!

Love,

Me

 

1 Comment by on December 19, 2011
filed in complaint department, Open Letters

Being Thankful

It’s the time of year when people get all mushy on each other. I approve of this. I love being mushed on. Mushed about. Mushed At. Let’s just say, if you have nice things you want to say to me, you don’t need to wait for Thanksgiving. You can say them to me ANY DAY OF THE WEEK, ANY WEEK OF THE YEAR.

A million years ago, I learned a lesson from my friend Kim. She had this [new to me] habit of always telling her mother she loved her whenever they spoke on the phone. But not in a cursory way, it was really said from the heart, and looking back quite lovely coming from a child. Her mom had instilled in her the idea that you never know if the conversation you’re having with someone will be your last. Do not leave the conversation in anger or annoyance; if appropriate, always tell the person you love them.

I’ve tried to embrace that philosophy in my life, although it’s often difficult. You WANT to slam down the phone and say terrible things some time. You WANT to go to bed angry. But I know that if I were to never talk to them again, I would feel horrible. Because I don’t hate the people I have allowed into my life. I love them. Minimally, for the people who are more in the periphery of my life (random Twitter followers, the girl who hands me my coffee at the DD in Townsend every day) or more prominent (co-workers, Facebook friends) I am at least thankful to have them in my life. And I really am. I’ve written here before how much I love my project team. I really and truly do. I appreciate how much easier and enjoyable they make my life. I went out for drinks with a whole bunch of them yesterday, and I’d do it every day of the week. They really are friends.

And I have a new person in my life who has grown to mean so much to me that it’s hard for me to put it into words. I am so thankful for even being able to write that sentence. I feel like I’ve been given a huge gift, and I promise to be thankful for that gift, every day.

I’m glad Thanksgiving gives us a chance to remember to spread the mush. Everyone deserves to be mushed on, now and again. So thanks to all of you, for stopping by, leaving comments, and just doing all the things you do. You’re good people.

1 Comment by on November 22, 2011
filed in Open Letters, stuff

Some Day, My Moe Will Come

It’s quiet in here. We haven’t had power for 24 hours. I’m watching the stockpile of Duraflame dwindle, and I wonder what kind of joy I will find tomorrow morning. Will there be heat? I can only hope.

Parts of me are warm, though. The inside parts. The place where I keep the happy and the singing and the love.

So for now I won’t worry about the load of towels that were 5 minutes in the dryer when the power went off. We’ll listen to Stevan Pasero on the battery-operated iPod speakers and I’ll watch the fire, knowing out there, somewhere, someone is thinking of me.

2 Comments by on October 30, 2011
filed in stuff

If I Start Having GMail Issues On My iPhone

I’m writing this as a note to myself. If I ever have that issue where my iphone says my password is bad on my gmail account, I should try going to this link where I can do a captcha thingy or something something.  Stupid.

https://www.google.com/accounts/UnlockCaptcha?

It doesn’t appear to have fixed the issue where the app I use to access Google Docs will let me view existing files. Stupid attempts to prevent me from ever finding true happiness.

No Comments by on September 27, 2011
filed in complaint department

Things We Said at KFC

My kid and I stopped by KFC in town. They normally suck at a molecular level when you go inside, so we tried the drive-through.

Here are some things actually said in the car during our adventure.

  • How does “grilled” anything serve as a valid substitute for extra crispy?”
  • How many legs and thighs do you need to order to equal the meat in a 2-piece breast meal?
  • Oh my God, the woman working the drive thru window is walking across the parking lot!
  • We’re going to be sitting here the rest of our lives. “So, what’s it like, living in a KFC parking lot?”
  • She’s taking so long they’re going to run out of legs. At that point, I’m going to kill her.
  • You could stab her in the neck with a soldering iron. And then turn it on.

    • Best worst wait ever.

4 Comments by on September 23, 2011
filed in humor, parenting

Peeing Like a REAL MAN

I love the people on my project team. I cannot express in words how much I love them all. Friday, 4 of us were stuck in a tiny conference room, and topics ranged from giant horrible spiders, how to properly poach an egg, farting, and whether ladies rooms are dirtier than men’s rooms. These are pretty typical topics, by the way. The men’s room topic morphed into a discussion about how great it would be if women could stand up to pee (it would be) and my project sponsor mentioned he’d heard a story on the radio about a product that helps women pee standing up. Of course, that became the most important thing ever.

I let one co-worker get so far as typing “Female Urination” into his work laptop’s Google search before we pointed out that pressing Enter would cause every security person in the building to come bursting through the door. I pulled up search on my iPhone – the single greatest reason to own a smartphone on the planet is to be able to do searches without invoking the “red corporate security screen of death”.

We found the product in question – the “Go Girl“. At the time, Amazon had it for $4. How could I NOT buy one for $4? Plus Amazon Prime’s $3.99 overnight shipping meant I’d have it today. Oh, yes. Yes indeed.

UPS dropped off the package before I was even out of bed this morning. My room is over the back door, and I heard my friendly UPS driver yell out “UPS!” and I knew it was my lucky day. Sent the boy to fetch the package and ripped into it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That looks vaguely, um.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here is the booty: a plastic storage bag (for after you use it), two squares of toilet paper (obviously, not enough) and taa-daa, the Go Girl.

 

I don’t have photos of me using it, but I did use it, right before I took a shower. It was weird. It worked fine; no, uh, spillage. It would be awkward to have to do something with it immediately after use (“excuse me while I put this urine-covered silicone funnel in my purse.”) The real test will be trying to use it while I’m dressed. I’m tempted to go out in the woods with it, to simulate a real-world scenario. It would probably be good to have friends giving me beer and encouraging me – you can’t get more real-world than that.

1 Comment by on September 17, 2011
filed in coolness, humor, photos, stuff
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