The Big DumpTruck

Throwing Little Thought Pebbles at Your Windshield Since 1996

My Christmas Card

I know it’s after Christmas, but you know you very much want to hear the story of how a photo of me posing with a shark and an Ewok was my official Christmas Card this year. You have your cold beverage ready? Okay.

So a million years ago or two or so years ago (one of those) my sister and her family went to Disney during the flower and garden festival. They posed in front of a Miss Piggy topiary that a person that may or may not be my boyfriend confused for an Ewok.

So I used an iPhone app I owned (KnockOut) to “fix” it after my sister said “I was looking to see if there was an Ewok in the photo with us and Miss Piggy. This combination would have been fabulous and makes me laugh just thinking about it.” So of course I had to add one to that photo.

I added him to a lot of additional photos from their vacation. They started leaving space for me in the photos, so I added myself (and others) because they didn’t take me with them.

Apparently one of my sister’s co-workers (Cathy) was very amused by me adding myself to their vacation photos (something I continued to do on subsequent vacations). In fact, she started asking where I was when my sister or her husband posted new ones. Here I am on a rope swing in Hawaii, I believe.

This December, Cathy, a person you will remember I have never met, posted a photo on FB showing the first three people who had sent her a Christmas card. Because my sister was tagged in the photo, I saw it. Now is it my fault she left a giant hole right in the middle, inviting someone like me to fill it? So I ran to the Knockout app, found a background of something Christmassy, added myself and and ewok, then added it all to her photo.

My sister’s neighbor Beth saw it and demanded “I HAD BETTER GET ONE OF THOSE!” so I had to print them out and stick them in cards for people, my first Christmas cards in years. And that’s the real story of the Happy Holiday Shark. And Ewok.

 

Goal: More than 5 Posts in 2017

My Big DumpTruck game was awful in 2016, which is probably a very bad thing, because it was the 20th anniversary of the darned thing. Can we have a do-over? I know a lot of celebrities and millions of voters who would like another shot at doing 2016 right.

If I promised to be better about writing, will you be better about reading?

Thanks, Amazon

Periodically I like to check to see what Amazon thinks it should recommend to me. I am a frequent shopper, more than I should be for convenience sake. I cannot afford a personal assistant so I make do with an Internet connection and a combination of the USPS, FedEx and UPS. 

I will admit I purchased some unusual items in preparation for my cruise. Unusual in that I normally don’t have much of a need for waterproof items, but I did a month or so ago. I also bought some items we were recommended to bring on the trip to decorate our cabin door. You know, not my normal dog food, camera equipment and makeup remover purchases.

Let’s see how that tweaked Amaxon’s recommendations for this March day: 

  
Okay. Emoji stamps and a Mother Goose hat. Date night has never looked more exciting, has it boys?

Now that I think about it, putting poop emojis on things at work would be a nice stress reliever. Hey! Cafeteria at work! More 🍟🍺and πŸͺ and lessπŸ’©! 

Let’s scroll down a little to see if it gets normal.

  
Guitar strap. Interesting assumption, that after buying all those cello accessories I might need a guitar strap for it. Taken under advisement.

But the piece de resistance is the High Quality No Pocket Unisex Uniform Vest. You guys got that recommendation too, right? That has to be exactly what all the cool moms are wearing to the office these days. I am just assuming there are people out there placing ordering for both vitamins AND kicking purple work vests. Because nothing says dedication to your role as a cog in the machine than a spur-of-the-moment decision to purchase a purple uniform vest independent of your job’s normal dress code. 

I think pairing it with the hat will really show them my promotability! I did a quick search and yes, I can also order my own name tag. I shall have my name and “Power-Mad Demagogue” etched underneath. I can’t wait to put the whole outfit together!

Countdown to Vacation

I’m so very ready for my vacation. I’ve had enough of work, and of stuff going on outside of work. The way things have been going, I assume while I’m away my home will be destroyed by a bus-sized chunk of blue “airplane ice.”

But I shall take my chances and hope Captain Stubing steers away from any hurricanes we stumble upon, and I’ll give my now adult son <gasp> the keys to the swinging singles pad, with the assumption it won’t be overrun with garbage and vermin by the time I return. 

Stack Ranking Sick People

I declare new rules for Emergency Room prioritization. We have to throw out HIPPAA because you should have to loudly announce what’s wrong with you so the rest of us can stack rank you against the others to decide who goes in first using the following guidelines. 

1. Heavily bleeding flesh wound (cause that’s a quick fix anyway)

2. Throwing up or about to. I don’t need that shit while I’m sitting waiting

3. Passing out from pain

4 Trouble breathing normally

5. Clammy skin the color of the parking garage.

6. Head injury

7. Uncontrollable swelling 

8. 4 hour erections (see 7)

9. Swallowed a battery

10. Broken bone (not compound fracture) 

11. Something stuck in a body orifice that you can’t get out

12. Thing for which you could go to a Minute Clinic if it was open

13. Place for you and your friend to sit while you both eat fruit cup with your fingers 

Adventures in Tequilaland

Last night Tom took me to Ixtapa Cantina for guacamole and I had a margarita that literally made my eyes stop working properly. [Thumbs up, El Presidente!] In the spirit of Christmas, he wrote down Jody quotes because fair is fair after I wrote the Michael quotes while he was on anesthesia.
We then went drunk shopping at Walmart, which I think was a ripoff because I didn’t find anything good to make him buy me. My next morning comments are in italics.

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[I tweeted these myself from the restaurant]

This margarita is made with cocaine or something. Oh my god who broke my eyes.

Oh my Hod two of you liked my tweet you guys are the ducking best. But not as good as these margaritas.

We’re gonna park in someone’s driveway and take pictures of their Christmas lights, like Americans. It is our right!

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I need you to be that guy who would steal a balloon from a 7 year old.

Mikey says [about Tom] “But he’s a nice guy!” Like that’s an excuse.

[about going to jail after he steals a balloon]
Shit. I’m gonna have to be in a lesbian relationship again.

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[About shopping for Tom’s daughter for Christmas She] needs drugs and cigarettes to trade in the big house.

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I’m cutting this like the Incredible Hulk. Did I eat lunch today?

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Dude you know what I could do with [$15,000]? Breasts up to here. Watch the Brady bunch. Teenage boobies.

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This is the greatest meal ever in possibly my entire life! [Takes another bite] It’s kinda salty.

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I just want to eat the outside shell of my burrito. It’s called a tortilla. The skin of my burrito.

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[Regarding my favorite musician/band (other than Jeff Lynne) Luce]
Luce’s first name is Tom. So you’ll just have to wonder if I ever call out that name.

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[Inside the restaurant] Can we take pictures of Christmas lights? Not In here.

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It’s not a good time of year to get those water balloon multiple thingies. And I should know.

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You know what would be the worst Christmas present? Wrapping paper. And thank you cards.

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Crotchless pants? Do they sell them at Walmart? Sweet! Not saying I’ve bought them before. At least at Walmart.
[I completely do not remember saying this one AT ALL.]

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[spotting a skewer of Peeps]
Look! This is impaled peeps! Look they stabbed you and it makes it taste better.

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Can we buy a cello? My Amazon wish list is full of magical things.

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Look it’s resting bitch face Barbie!


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I love you. This lighting is very unflattering.

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Why didn’t you tell me my cleavage was showing?! And I’m not buttoning up. People will have to deal with my boobage.

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Michael Comes Out of Anesthesia

The boy had some oral surgery today. Here are some choice quotes from right after he woke up and we were allowed in the recovery room. 

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He drooled some blood onto his shirt. “Oh no! I ruined my shirt! I can never wear it again! [pause] I hate this shirt.”

A minute later when he re-noticed the blood from before. “Oh nooooooooo!”

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He attempted to sing the 12 Days of Christmas along with the Muzak. Poorly.

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A chair squeaked in the hallway. “IS THAT A PUPPY?! Is that Tommy? Tommy the recovery puppy? I want a puppy!”

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He was feeling his pants and they were making a rustling noise. “Why are your pants making noise?” “It’s flesh. [pause] I should iron these pants.” (They’re sweatpants.)

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When the nurse went to take his blood pressure he told the nurse she had very soft hands. Then he complimented her ring. “A lot of people don’t like green things but it’s very nice.”

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“The Spanish lady isn’t Spanish any more.”

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“I was awake for the whole thing. The doctor was talking about how nobody in the office likes him.”

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“It worked”
“What worked?”
“My legs. They still work.”

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He said he wants to use the $10 I owe him (we had a bet on whether or not they’d do the surgery) to buy a ball pitching machine [“It’s NOT a pitching machine cause they use them for tennis!”] like they have at batting cages, but big enough to shoot dodge balls. He wants to donate it to Creative Choices summer camp. “Why?” “Well, *I* don’t want it!”

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“How did I get here?” [the room]
“You walked.”
“No I didn’t!”
“She said you did.”
“She’s a bullshitting liar!”

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“My legs work again!”

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“They put a thing over my nose and told me it would make my arms tingle…but then it made my balls tingle and I got worried. They told me it was okay and I’d be able to have kids.”
“You *asked* them?”
“I should have some say if my babies are going to die!”

Yes, dear, you certainly should.

😜😜😜

Expanding My Horizons

I recently added a cello to my Amazon wish list, because I think it’s good to learn you suck at as many things as humanly possible. Starting to feel cocky about yourself? Here, let’s see how you do with this set of oil paints, Vermeer. (See also: the tap shoes I bought myself.) 

This is the cello. 

  
Seriously, how COOL is that? I could hang it up as art when I invariably realize I’m not a cellist! 

That wishlist is more just a way to bookmark stuff I might buy myself later than a list I think people will actually use. I have zero expectation that my fan club members will pool the change in their car consoles to get me a home electrolysis system. I mean, unless my unsightly knee beard is really bothering them. Which, really, will be an interesting conversation that we must have as soon as I can find the time to spend with someone PRETENDING to be a fan. 

Shopping is Scary

I didn’t shop on Black Friday. I actually finally went to the mall tonight because I figured it would be safe by 5pm. (I may have been right about this – Santa was sitting alone killing time until he could put up the “feeding the reindeer” sign for the night.)
I had to return an item at JC Penny and check something at Macy’s. It’s very festive at the mall. The system at Penny’s played “Mele Kalikimaka,” which I actually consider a sad excuse for a Christmas song. Not a fan. I made my return, and headed over to Macy’s. While I perused the clearance rack, I was stunned to hear Mele Kalikimaka again. A different version of course. Creepy, right?
Eventually I left Macy’s to trek back through the mall to get back to my car. And as I crossed through the doorway back into the mall… Mele Kalikimaka was playing. Because CLEARLY MY LIFE IS A LIVING HELL. 

And that’s why I avoid the mall during the holidays. 

Old Person and Her Music

I am not young. Kids who still need car seats probably think I’m someone’s grandma. To be fair, I do have peers who are just that, and that’s cool, I just like to think of myself as a much younger woman. Like maybe 32, tops.

I have read articles that say people stop listening to new music around age 35. I can see that. I know a lot of people who just sat back in their easy chairs surrounded by their favorite bands from college.

I followed a different path. I kept finding new music I liked. If it’s power pop or has a certain type of solo male singer-songwriter vibe like Duncan Shiek, I’m in. I use those “if you like A you should try B” algorhythms and often find some pretty cool stuff. I have all sorts of Spotify playlists of new fun things I like. Friends introduced me to Jellyfish years ago and I used the members of the band to branch out to find solo work, special projects and people they worked with. I found Bleu this way, and found the world’s greatest ELO album the ELO never made, L.E.O’s Alpacas Orgeling. (Go buy it. Trust me.) Over time I found other bands I love: Luce, Air Traffic Controller, Washed Out, The Neighborhood, Walk the Moon, Two Door Cinema Club, to name many. I like musical styles I shouldn’t at my age. But I really do.

I discovered a guy who recorded as “Owsley” a year or so ago on Spotify and just fell in love with his music. I bought his  two albums on iTunes and played them on repeat for weeks. Now I have a habit of reading up on anyone I like (singers, actors, underwear models) so I looked him up. I was absolutely crushed to learn he had committed suicide years before. No more music from him; I was robbed of his voice, his talent. If I was this upset about it, I cannot fathom what his family was going through every day.

in the past year the Bleu newsletter 

So I just discovered Bleu covered Owsley’s Oh No The Radio on this album. This is the 2nd time Bleu has done something with an unrelated favorite of mine (see Air Traffic Controller). I thought the Owsley version was perfect so I was hesitant to listen. The cover is amazing. And made me sad all over again that Will Owsley killed himself and robbed me of any future new music. Sorry for the tangent but you can understand why this would stun and amaze me, and why I wanted to share.