Dear US MINT
I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know that you can ease up on the pennies. I’ve got way too many of them. I’ve got enough to last me for the rest of my life, to be honest. Plus, they are only worth a penny each, so it works out that I spent more on the bank that holds them than the face value of the contents. That doesn’t really seem fair. I have heard of charities who do penny drives, and I will certainly keep my eyes open for one near me, but in the meantime, I have pennies everywhere. Every surface is a great place to put a penny. I’ve got them in my wallet, in the console of my car, on my bureau, and in my change jar. They are on top of my CPU at work, as well as in the pencil tray. Gosh, I wish there was a penny candy store around the corner so I could unload these puppies and get something really cool in return. Like orange-flavored Tootsie Roll Midgees. Or Sixlets. You know, the best candy you can buy for little or no money.
My biggest problem for the past two years was keeping them away from my son because there have been reports that of all pocket change, pennies can cause some sort of poisoning if ingested. Of course, this would make for an interesting episode of “Diagnosis: Murder,” don’t you think? Kill someone by making them eat a handful of change!
So all I’m asking is that you declare another penny shortage so that I’ll feel really good about all the hoarding I’ve done the past couple of years, and the bank won’t look at me sideways when I bring in my jar.